Mum becoming increasingly difficult/demanding

The driving thing has been a bone of contention for fil. He has been having memory troubles for a while highlighted by mil. Got worse and cries for help from her. After about 2 years since going to the doctors finally got a diagnosis of mixed dementia. Doctor told him to stop driving until he could be assessed. Despite numerous maps and explaining where the assessment centre was he continued to get lost trying to find it before we took the car from him. He would not accept that he had to stop driving so we as a family took the decision to say that until he passed the assessment he was not to drive. We were also told that because of his diagnosis until he was deemed fit his insurance was invalid. The police couldn't care less until he had an accident. We have since moved them both into assisted living and this has highlighted they were not copying at all and have greater needs than we thought. He would not find his way back home if out driving now and I'm convinced he would return to their old home if allowed to drive. We have moved them to a place that has the hospital on one side of the road, doctors and pharmacy on the other, church just across the road. Also a bus stop right outside and got them bus passes. They get their food and prescriptions delivered.

We were worried about their safety and that of others. I still remember that awful case of the elderly man and his wife going the wrong way on the motorway and killing themselves and some other poor soul in the process.

At the moment there are 1.6million driving tests each year.
There are perhaps 8million over 75s, of whom 60% have driving licences. So we are going to add another 4.8million tests a year to a system which is currently struggling to cope with 1.6 million?

Also a statutory test would take the onus off families and would mean that children didn't have to play the role of the bad person taking something away from their parent which obviously makes things so difficult.

I firmly believe that over 75s should have a driving assessment every year and that the result of failing that or refusing to take it is that they cannot get insured and are banned. It would work that the baseline is that you would pass unless the tester felt you were beginning to pose a risk to other road users.

no people wouldn't like it, yes they may lose their independence but when your risky driving puts people's lives at risk I don't think that should be a consideration. I also think DVLA should deal far more quickly and positively when family members report concerns abd that GPs should also be more aware of the risks. Many are very reluctant to support withdrawal of licenses but are essentially allowing dangerous drivers to remain on the road.

many elderlies are on vast cocktails of drugs, I wonder if the effects on driving have been investigated of these combinations. While a particular medication may be ok in isolation maybe combined with another they may not ? Is this something prescribers would take into consideration ?

@RoséProsecco

I 🤔 don't think it's a case of its that or this,

It's realistic a combo of factors the loneliness of losing her husband your father so becoming increasingly neediness expecting requiring overwhelming demands on home front nature,
awareness of own mortality cause of losing your father only a few years ago,

and natural Ageing process with forgetfulness ect
Dementia

Sorry self report their diagnosis to the DVLA not gp

You can report your mum to the DVLA. I did this for my 85 yr old dad. You fill the form in online and leave your details, however your details aren't passed onto the person you are reporting.

My dad has a Parkinsonian shuffle, gout so no feeling in one foot, end stage heart failure.He had the assessment at the GP last week and dad said it went wonderfully. I suspect the DVLA will allow him to keep driving.

My husband is an older adult cpn and the system is wrong. The onus is on the person with dementia to self report to the GP which of course they don't want to do.

Well done on moving forward with the hearing OP and sorry you are having such a hard time on this thread.

For anyone who hasn’t been in this position it can be really difficult to persuade someone they are no longer fit to drive (we had this with my FIL, fortunately my dad realised himself that he wasn’t safe to drive anymore) and OP isn’t yet sure this is the case yet but her and her sister are checking this out this week.

Can you think of a way/lie to get her the message they think she needs hearing aids... Did the hearing clinic have a private option? If she can afford it as thats a long time to wait

I don't remember Attendance Allowance being mentioned. The CAB helped me to fill in the form and Age UK can also help. If you haven't got it and manage to get it, you could put it to your mum in such a way that it is to pay for something that would help her (and you).

Trouble is, with driving as with other things, that it's a gradual deterioration and the older person often doesn't realise how bad it's got because it's been gradual or may now lack the awareness to realise it's down to their skill and ability decreasing rather than something else like roads being busier, something being wrong with the car or poor road lighting.

So that means someone else has to intervene for something to happen about it!

No, we don't disagree, we agree. If the elderly person continues to drive with deteriorated skills, absolutely, those around them should loudly speak up. The elderly person doesn't have a get out of jail free card on this though. First and foremost they should take responsibility themselves and they shouldn't just be let off the hook.

I wouldn't underestimate the effect that failing hearing can have. It can be extremely isolating and make you feel confused.

Sorry but i disagree

While it maybe the 81 year olds ultimate decision we all have a duty to safe guard anyone who does not have the capacity to safeguard themselves.... (the person most likely to be killed is themself)

and when it comes to a real risk of killing / injuring people we have a moral duty to step up, even if conversations are difficult........

Or alternatively you might be happy to live with yourself is someone was killed because it was an awkward conversation to have, that wasnt "technically your responsibilty" ?

I guess most people wouldnt be quite so happy it was their own loved one who was killed, or had life changing injuries, or even just any injuries at all, as the result of being hit by someone, whose other close relations had already realised should no longer be driving.... but they chose to ignore as the conversation would be difficult..... and its not technically their responsibilty anyway....

But it's not the kids job to do this. Its the elderly person themselves who should be aware of this, looking for signs, and taking responsibility. I agree though, that it's often left for the kids to do something because the elderly person won't.

How would you feel if you choose not to stop your Mum from driving due to upsetting her independance and she kills someone?

A car is quite literally a lethal weapon and those who do not have the capacity to be in control should not be driving one.

How would you feel if YOUR child was killed by someone elses elderly parent, because their child didnt want to have the confrontation and converstaion about reducing their independance?

Yes, safety of other road users is paramount, but it isn't just a matter of "independence" for elderly non-drivers, they are excluded from a full involvement in a social life, and lack of social interaction is one of the big drivers of dementia. Access to medical and other services becomes a real problem. Public transport is poorer than it has been any time in the last century, and taxis are only really viable for short (<20 miles) trips. The general public is quite happy with this state of affairs, and not willing to channel more funds to public transport. Ultimately, hopefully self-driving cars will come to the rescue, but for those of us likely to give up driving in the next 10 years the future looks bleak.

The accident that really preys on my mind was the young man who was showing off to his girlfriend and crashed at 80mph in a 30mph limit just outside my house.

Yes they are often not lit us as they should be so it can happen

Thing is, with the driving, you need to stop BEFORE it gets bad. So once you get the first signs of driving skills deteriorating due to age, you need to stop then, not wait until its really unsafe. And as for driving giving elderly people independence, so what, their independence is irrelevant compared to the safety of other road users and pedestrians.

I think elderly drivers is going to become a massive road safety issue before too long. I'm aware of this myself. I'm in my 50s and live in the countryside. I'm just going to have to move to a town.

An elderly driver killed a child round here in the most traumatic imaginable circumstances, our community will never forget and the parents will never know happiness again.

Please, please stop your mother from driving.

Well, I'm sure your mother's independence is more important than killing someone

Ffs

No advice really my mum is a similar age 83 with some similar issues to your mum OP. She also lost my dad to dementia during lockdown and as they did everything together although they never did very much she is lost without him as she has no friends. She has a local community centre on her doorstep literally a flat 50 yard walk away but she refuses to try out anything going on there. She also doesn’t speak to either of her next door neighbours. Thankfully she never learned to drive so at least I don’t have that worry.

But she hasn’t had her ears tested in years so can’t hear, gets the wrong end of the stick and can’t follow conversations often. She also says she hasn’t had her eyes tested for 5 years. She often moans about her health but outright refuses to visit the Dr’s and would be even less likely to go to the hospital.

My mum sits in her ivory tower aka her house expects us all to visit often and seems to be trying to play us all off against each other (my sis, my DB, me and my niece). Commenting about who visited when, how long they stayed and what they have done for her this week or today. My husband is also ill so I don’t feel the need to take part in competitive visiting. Her father did the same playing his children iff against each other which she hated so thought she might have done better but she is very like him and his behaviour.

She seems to idolise my sis and her daughter my niece so they have access to her credit card and can do no wrong. Whereas I am cast aside and made to feel like the black sheep of the family. If I offer to do anything for her, take her anywhere now etc. I am knocked its as though she is trying to punish me.

My mum plays on having social anxiety when it suits but funnily enough she is always ok when she goes out with my niece and her boyfriends extended family or out with my sister.

You can only offer to do what you can do OP. Take care.