Refusing to engage with Power of Attorney process

Would it make a difference to your mum if your dad and you have joint POA for her? My late husband and I had POA for each other alongside my son. Now my husband has passed away, I have just returned my POAs for Health & Welfare and Financial Affairs to the Office of the Public Guardian. They have stamped the originals to note that my son is now my sole Guardian should I lose capacity.
It may also help your mum to understand that the POAs will NOT be able to be used unless she or your dad actually lose the capacity to make decisions and care for themselves.

If your parents refuse there's not much you can do. You won't be able to advocate for her or have any choice. Try to explain to her that it's a) you making choices in her best interests under poa
Or b) socail care making those choices.

That is crux of it. Treat your dad and mum separately. Dad could be mums poa and you a deputy or joint? That's one way to maybe convince her.

My mum was the same until it was clear she wasn't OK and she caved.

They should sorted it years ago. Its nearly always in their best interests to have a love one do poa.

But as my mum was a cranky and often aggressive I wouldn't have been able help her and that would have been her wish. That's where you find peace if she continues to refuse.

We sold this to the PIL by telling them we were doing ours (true) and pitching it as what would happen if you were in an accident and temporarily unable to make decisions, and how much happier we were now we knew we had someone we could trust to look after things.

Is there someone your mum would trust? Friend.? Vicar etc who could reassure her?
but certainly get it sorted for your dad.

The process is actually 'done' by the person themselves. They are granting someone else a lasting power of attorney over their affairs. That's why they have to be in place before a person becomes unable to make that decision. And for elderly people it can happen suddenly e.g. a stroke or heart attack.
Obviously other people can assist in completing the online forms etc. Or you can pay for a solicitor. But legally the person granting the power must do so knowingly and with capacity to make that decision.
It could be tempting to think that if financial things are all in joint names it's not necessary, but you Mum may live for many years and although hopefully your dad will too, there are no guarantees.
We found we only used the financial lpoa but did both the financial and health ones for both my parents.
We also chose to have 3 appointees but opted to be able to act severally as well as jointly. This meant we only needed one signature to any action. Obviously that requires complete trust and open communication but it definitely made life easier on the admin tasks

Definitely get your dad to do his. Depending on finances, if you get a solicitor to do his, they can be very good at having the conversation with someone who's not keen. And because the plus points are coming from a professional/someone objective, it's a lot less fraught.

If your dad is in good health hopefully he would make decisions on your mums behalf should she need it?

Are you doing the same for your father?
If you and he can demonstrate that it's a sensible thing to do for everyone as they get older it stops it being "you're getting incapable of managing your affairs Mum".

Genuinely, LPOAs should be done way before they're needed to avoid this sort of thing. So, your father doing it too will help you in the future.

Good luck. It's a really difficult time as you you face the fact that your parent(s) is facing dementia

I would focus on getting LPA for your dad. Maybe she will follow his example.

Don't delay your father's one because of your mother's reluctance. Hers sounds as if it is a lost cause, if she has capacity then she is entitled to decline and if she doesn't have capacity then she can't do it anyway. Get your father's done and accept that the other isn't happening.

Unfortunately if she has capacity and refuses to give POA there is nothing you can do. If she loses capacity (eg dementia) you could apply to be a deputy under COP.