Refusing to engage with Power of Attorney process

Don't delay your father's one because of your mother's reluctance.

This. Things can change overnight and your father (and you, on his behalf) will have twice the problems if your father's isn't done as well as your mother's.

You can explain it does not have to be used immediately you can chose when to use it . My husband was included on my parents with my sister. Definitely do you fathers because it’s so helpful for sorting out bills etc for them .

Would it be worth also doing your own at the same time? It may feel a bit early, but as other posters have said, these things should be done long before they are needed, and maybe seeing that your dad and you are moving forward with it might give her food for thought?

@2024please , @Soontobe60 Thanks, that’s really useful information

I contacted the DWP about it, it was completed over the phone surprisingly! If I recall, I had to send them his medical diagnosis. I was surprised that it was so easy tbh.

I did it for my parent who had lost capacity. Had a meeting with the DWP representative, provided all the info/ID & they arranged for me to be their appointee.

We were starting the Deputyship process at the time but I didn't have to show any evidence of doing that.

You can't force your mum, nor should you try, but is she rational enough to have it explained to her that the financial LPA has nothing to do with her care or where she lives and also that she cannot be forced into a care home, or to have any care she doesn't want, whilst she is deemed to have capacity? Even if she is still against POA it might reassure her a bit, assuming she believes you.

If she still refuses there's nothing you can do (and I hear applying to Court of Protection for deputyship is taking almost a year at the moment).

I bang on about the below a lot, so please excuse me anyone who has seen me mention this before:

For the financial LPA, be very careful when deciding which box to tick in the section about when the POA comes into force. If the donor ticks "only when I lose capacity" you may get into difficulties if the person wants help before they lose capacity. When I registered my mum's LPA with her bank, they assumed she had lost capacity because she had ticked that box and so blocked her access to her account, including cancelling her debit card and cheque book. They gave me access, but she needed her debit card so we had to reverse the whole thing.

We were stuck in a hideous limbo for ages of her being unable to operate the
account (too deaf to pass phone security, refused to let us register her for internet banking or grant 3rd party access), demanding we (I) help her but needing her own debit card.

Also get one or two certified copies of the financial LPA. Any solicitor can do this, though charges vary so shop around. The donor can do it themself but it involves writing some text, dating and signing on every page of every copy.

There are some things you can do short of POA if your mum is willing for those eg she can give her GP permission to share info with you.

But definitely do your dad

I think its either too late to sort your mum's or if she still is deemed to have capacity then she doesnt want one

Agree with others that if she no longer has capacity then it’s a lost cause. But she’d have to be pretty far gone for that - it sounds as though she’s just being fearful and stubborn.
What helped with my parents was showing them the forms - you can do it all online - and they can see that they can choose that the POA will only be activated if they lose capacity (rather than straight away). There are also sections where they can put specific wishes (about how they would wish their money to be spent, or things they would want or not want to happen to them in hospital). That might reassure them - in some circumstances it might actually help to give them MORE control when they are vulnerable because they are authorising you to advocate for them.

Go ahead and do one for your Dad anyway if he's willing. My PiL's dragged their feet until we pointed out that if they didn't have a POA in place then once they lose capacity the Court of Protection will have control - they soon signed up quickly at the thought of the government getting at their money!

you can arrange having her state pension paid into your account if she cannot manage her money anymore How do you do that if you don’t have PoA?

Get your father's organised - Finanical and Health & Welfare - ASAP. As part of it he can write a letter of wishes detailing how he would like to cared for.

I would suggest that your mother do a letter too, even if she can't/won't do PoAs. It will hopefully make her think about things. Of course, it carries no legal weight, but it is useful to know how they are thinking.

You also need to speak about DNR. If anything happens, CPR is extremely traumatic on an elderly person, especially if they are frail.

This really sensible advice. Of course we really want to care for and advocate for our elderly. However if they refuse, make bad, terrible or dangerous disisions that is there choice. I had to go to a crisis MH hub about my mums choices around her health and care while trying to set up poa. In hindsight I should never made myself sick over a grown adults stupid choices. Mum died within days of that visit and I was full of regret. However, that was ultimately her choice to ignore medical letters. It was a possibility that bad choices would lead to an untimely death. But I did not choose that for her. I treird to prevent it. I was more worried than she was.

She could just do a financial one to get the ball rolling? Just so you can help with banking, bills etc.- "oh mum, wouldn't it be helpful if we could talk to British Gas for you so you don't have to worry about it" (etc)
We also found that having a friendly neighbour who has been through it all pop round as a witness very helpful.
I am a bit worried though that she needs to have capacity to sign the forms. If she doesn't really understand what's going on it might be a bit late unfortunately?

This isn’t correct. When my stepfather’s care was being sorted social services absolutely included me in all decisions. They were a valuable source of support.

Get your dad's done.

For your mum, does she have joint finances with your dad? If not would she agree to joint accounts?

If she has a joint account with someone else then at least that person can make sure the bills are paid.

However the vast majority of people don't have POA done. And even if they do, they aren't necessarily used. We never used the one for FIL. I use my mum's but just to do internet shopping for her. So I'd leave it and stop panicking.

Ah we've just had this. My grandparents luckily did it with there wills in there 60s. My gran has full dementia now so my mum is able to sort everything and up till last week she was also able to do everything for my granda who has just passed away.

That’s absolutely terrible and is also not correct! Bullying an elderly woman is never ok!

I’ve had LPA for my Mil, and am now Deputy for my stepfather,
Honestly, I’d advise to leave it. She clearly doesn’t want it, and generally speaking not having LPA wouldn’t be too difficult especially as your DG is still alive. Medical staff will still consult with you, you can arrange having her state pension paid into your account if she cannot manage her money anymore and if she does need care, finances can be sorted out. If needs be, you can obtain Deputyship, as long as she has a diagnosis of something like dementia,

The person applying for the power of attorney must be in a sound state of mind and understand what it entails. Unfortunately it sounds like your mum is not. However I would get one done for your dad sooner rather than later as it takes about 12 weeks to process the application. Good luck x

I feel you, as my mum and uncle have been trying to have this conversation with my 89yo nan, who has dementia and is refusing to cooperate! It's a nightmare tbh.

We've now told her that if she doesn't give family LPA then social services will take control of her finances if she needs to go into a home (which is a real possibility) so the ball is now in her court.

My mum has stopped mentioning it at this point, as its just stressful and my nan is stubborn as hell, so she said its not worth worrying herself over something she can't control.

In all honesty having a deputy can be a better all round.

It has to be agreed to by the adult themselves. You can't coerce and they need to be consenting and have capacity.

Doesn't sound like your mum has capacity to agree to this anymore.

You will need to apply to court.

Above is assuming you are in England. Laws are different in Scotland.