DM wants a riser-chair costing £4.5k! Advice v welcome

I think the carer knows exactly how much money she has, with all this requiring smoked salmon malarky.

I'd be very surprised if the carer isn't doing a deal with this chair company salesman and taking some of his commission as a referral fee. Few hundred quid x however many patients she has, then x the different product/selling companies she can get out to people with dementia.

Sickening.

Your mum may be able to afford it, but I bet there are others out there who can't.

Sounds like a really good OT and an excellent outcome for your day OP, you could just take the pressure off yourself a bit and tell your DM that the OT insists no chair until the assessment is completed because she has a much BETTER chair in mind - kick that problem into the long grass for a bit!

The point about the carer is not necessarily that she is purposefully at it but that she certainly isn't doing her professional best for your DM whatever the reasons.

When my DM came home after a stroke we asked the lovely occupational therapist who came out about getting a recliner. Her advice was that it was the quickest way to kill DM off because she needed to be using her muscles not Letting everything atrophy and becoming more dependent.

Presumably the carer doesn’t know how much money she has? Can you have a conversation saying your mum thinks she has more than she really has and that you are concerned about not being able to keep her on for as long as you’d like to as the money is running out fast. Could she discourage mum from spending unnecessarily as you’d hate to run out of money and not be able to afford her as she’s so great.

I’m glad you’ve got the OT assessment arranged. social care will also assess and make recommendations even if you are self funding - it sounds unlikely they would recommend live in care but you could consider funding whatever they do recommend as it would follow s more enabling approach - and it sounds like you DM is quite willingly becoming more dependant.

I feel for you OP, I've been in a very similar situation myself unfortunately. We had to restrict my father's spending completely when his Alzheimer's got to the stage when he was just losing thousands every week, we never found out where it went. Maybe it's time for that with your DM? I'd switch carers and explain to the new carers that your DM does not have capacity to make decisions, so any financial decisions will be made by you. Your DM will hate it yes, but with dementia they'll always hate you for something, and you need to safeguard your DM. We had to take action, and it's fortunate we were able to, as in his last few years of life he needed all the money he had to pay for nursing home fees. What I would say though, is that unfortunately I think dementia care in the community is absolutely dire. Every professional we had contact with downplayed the severity of my father's Alzheimer's, until he was sectioned. As soon as he was sectioned, he was suddenly severely cognitively impaired, with Deprivation of Liberty immediate and permanent. He didn't change overnight, he'd clearly been struggling massively at home, but he got no support. He was discharged by the memory nurses! I wouldn't expect a very accurate assessment from any community services I'm afraid. Everything was 100 times easier when he moved into a care home.

@Valleyofthedollymix a new care team with strict ground rules may well be beneficial all round. New brooms sweeping clean.

Being sneaky you could insist that the current carer follows much stricter rules than you expect the new team to follow. DM will not like this. Current carer will not like this.

You then introduce the idea of a change of care team. DM no longer likes current carer so may be happy to change. Current carer doesn't like the new rules so is happy to go.

New team comes in with slightly relaxed rules compared to most recent rules. DM is happy.

Their criteria are strict - eg oedema, scoliosis, certain neurological conditions.

I just purchased one of those chairs for my DF and it cost 1/4 the price you are being quoted. We got a nice neutral color and he's ever so comfortable in it. What you are being asked to pay is outrageous, IMO.

@asrarpolar this is exactly what I witnessed.

If the carer is getting annoyed with you I would remind her that there is finite money in the bank and at the rate she is spending money the money will be home before your mothers mother does so if she isn’t going to continue to be your mothers carer for free then you don’t appreciate her encouraging your mother to spend money she will need for basic care as the years go on.

The carer might not be scamming your mother out of money but could she be subsidising her own lifestyle with a cashmere cardigan or 2 (I mean are you going to miss one or 2 if she has so many or a few packets of smoked salmon here and there etc.)

I would be trying to find out if this woman has an eBay account or is on Facebook and have a look at if she is selling anything.

It doesn‘t have to be a huge amount but over the years it does add up.

I work for the nhs and provide seating for people. 4.5k would purchase a chair for people with significant postural needs. If she is mobile and doesnt have a scoliosis and good sitting balance then she doesnt need a chair like this. If and when you do need specialist seating check out Care flex.

My mother had dementia and I do think this might be part of the disease as she became really focused on money too and would hound my father to take her to the bank to make withdrawals even with the last few hundred she had already taken out still in her purse.

@asrarpolar That's a fair point. I do think preserving finances for future care is necessary.

I would be more concerned about the carer. Have you spoken to her. If you have power of attorney over her finances any spending would have to go through you. If she has dementia this would be a good idea.

Do you think private OT's get commission for chairs they recommend? I'd be very surprised if they did.

Sorry OP, haven't read the full thread but as someone who has a mum (86) with early dementia, myself and brothers are organising power of attorney right at the moment. Mum is having private carers in daily now and we will be managing finances 100% to prevent any issues.

With my DH's mum,at one point her (private) carers, two sisters, made an appointment with mjum's family solicitor to change the will to include them! Got that nipped in the bud pronto after concerned call from solicitor.

Due to my experiences, I too am concerned that your mum's carer is having too much control over finances. Power of Attorney may be the way forward. Best of luck.

@Valleyofthedollymix I am really impressed with your proactive day - your DM is lucky to have you.

From your update it seems the carer has done you a favour, her rudeness in that call is completely bonkers (really how dare she speak to you like that!) and in your shoes I would escalate immediately. A call to the agency manager explaining that you have had concerns for some time about the increase in compulsive behaviour but felt unwilling to cause your DM any grief when she seems to like the carer so much. The way you have been spoken to today has crossed a line and you are no longer happy that this specific carer has your DM's best interests at heart and you are very worried that your relationship is being undermined and your DM's mental and physical health being negatively affected. Bluntly I would ask that the carer not return and I would follow up the call with an email summarising so there is a written dated record of your complaint.

I have more to say but my ghast is just flabbered!

@SomeCatFromJapan Legally OP must do what is best for her mum with her mum's money. Safeguarding an inheritance is financial abuse.
I have seen an elderly lady live in unsuitable surroundings with only basic care and without care that would enhance the quality of her life all to safeguard inheritance.
OP though sounds like she is doing the best for her mother.

I'm going to go against the grain of people mentioning the OP thinking about her inheritence. I actually think it is fine to consider and give weight to the responsibility of inherited family money of whom OPs mother is the current custodian.

I think it would be an absolute waste and a great shame if all that money that was worked so hard for, is pissed away on unneeded tat by an elderly lady with dementia instead of being passed on to, say, her grandchildren to enable them to afford a property.

Her care needs must be met, she should be safe, warm, fed and confortable and she should certainly be able to have some new things and treats. But not this dreadful frivolous waste.

Yes. Ime there are carers who take the easy road and let the patient do whatever they want - ie go to bed in the middle of the day so they don’t sleep at night etc, eat whatever they want; and there are more responsible, experienced carers who manage the patient so they don’t do things detrimental to themselves, even if it causes a strop - they learn how to manage the strops in that particular patient.

The spending may be driven by DM’s demands, but it could equally be that the carer has found it’s a convenient way of managing DM. DM can’t use the net or the mobile so if the carer doesn’t facilitate that she can’t go on shopping sprees full stop.

@LouisCatorze
Don't think riser recliners come on the NHS.
Yes they do

This, you need to cancel the card and order a new one for yourself, carer will have details of the old card. You are not in control of her finances at the moment, you need to use the poa you gave been granted.

One day your mum will be dead. Buy her the chair. It is her money, after all.

But agree with others regarding the carer...the power these live in carers can wield is amazing. We had it with my father in law, so please be careful.

Also, you sound like a great daughter.