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Elderly parents
Original poster

DM wants a riser-chair costing £4.5k! Advice v welcome

583 replies

Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 14:51

DM is 82 with moderate dementia. It affects her mobility more than her cognitive abilities but I don't know how much this is to do with the dementia and how much is due to her lack of exercise over many years.

She is currently burning through finite funds by living in a large house with a very expensive live-in carer through an agency. After a lifetime of being careful with money, she's spending like Liberace and it's going to run out, especially since I think she'll live a long time. Frustratingly, the extravagance encouraged by the carer, for example endless new pairs of trousers and cashmere jumpers (one week she bought six). If we query this spending, it gets turned into a black mark against us - for someone with a failing memory, DM can keep a really good tally of the ways in which we've 'denied' her.

Anyway the latest was the carer organising for a bespoke riser recliner chair company to come round to demo. DM apparently 'fell in love' with the deluxe one and has chosen the fabric etc. It costs nearly £4600. This feels like an awful lot to me but apparently, it's tailor made for her spine, size etc.

Does anyone know if this is worth it? Of course, if it's a buy once buy the best situation and it'll change her life, fair enough, we'll find the funds. But I wouldn't spend that sort of money on anything without due diligence. I feel like we're being bounced into it. I'm also unsure of the wisdom of these chairs at all because might it exacerbate my mother's immobility?

So, if anyone has any knowledge on how much you need to spend and what's worth it, I'd be vvvv grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:57

@mrsm43s and also she has dementia - I don't know how much she actually wants these things or whether it's just an addiction or she's being influenced. I have teenage daughters - I see the empty thrill of buying shit off the internet every day!

But like I say, I do absolutely see your point and it's something I keep asking myself. The money isn't infinite though so we do need to have a proper conversation.

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MeinKraft · 30/01/2024 15:57

I see, well if she did have a social worker I think they'd be really concerned about this carer and expecting you to step in to protect your grandmothers financial wellbeing. You could contact social services for advice on this if you felt you needed it and they'll support you through the process of replacing the carer and so on.

NewYear24 · 30/01/2024 15:56

OP you sound a sniffy that she’s inherited the money and choosing to spend it.

Original poster
Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:55

@mrsm43s I see your point but it just feels incredibly wasteful and consumerist. Like, technically I could afford to fly first class, but I never would because it's a waste of money and I'd rather spend it on my children or give it to charity. And yes it is her money, but money she's inherited and I don't think her hardworking ancestors would want it pissed away like this.

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Mrsjayy · 30/01/2024 15:54

a friend of mine went through similar her mum wasn't as wealthy as your mum seems to be but 1 of her daily carers had the lady on amazon and other online shops and they were buying utter garbage I think it was just to satisfy the carers shopping addiction.

mrsm43s · 30/01/2024 15:54

Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:52

To be fair, I think the 200 scarves were accumulated over the years. And all spending goes through my or my brother - it's just that if we say no to another pair of fugly elasticated trousers, we're the bad guys.

But if she has lots of money in the bank, and wants another pair of fugly elasticated trousers, why would you say no? If that's what she wants to spend her money on, why would you want to stop her?

Original poster
Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:52

To be fair, I think the 200 scarves were accumulated over the years. And all spending goes through my or my brother - it's just that if we say no to another pair of fugly elasticated trousers, we're the bad guys.

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NewYear24 · 30/01/2024 15:52

I put a spending limit on my mum’s card and had the bank call me if she tried to get cash in the branch.

mrsm43s · 30/01/2024 15:52

But if she's got enough money to pay for it, why shouldn't she spend her money on whatever she wants? Honestly, if she has enough that paying for £2k a week in carers fees is manageable for an extended period, then why quibble about a £4k chair if she feels she wants it? And multiple scarves or cashmere sweaters or whatever she wants? My mum is in a similar situation and I encourage her to buy whatever she wants, because it's her money. At 80-odd with presumably multiple hundreds of thousands in the bank, then let he spend whatever she wants!

Mrsjayy · 30/01/2024 15:51

sorry I didn't read on I would put a spending limit on your mum's card and speak to the carer who isn't actually caring for an old lady with dementia properly.

EwwSprouts · 30/01/2024 15:51

It sounds as if shopping has turned into a hobby for the two of them. 200 scarves is madness. I would be asking the carer to help your Mum get out a bit, in a wheelchair if needs be. The dynamic of the two of them needs to be disrupted.

Original poster
Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:51

Thank you all so much for your reassurance. You've given me a useful slap (in the nicest possible way) and the encouragement I need to change carers and stop paying these hideous agency fees.

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Original poster
Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:49

I think unfortunately we can't replace the live-in carer with a PA as because of my father, we got used to having high amounts of care. She's now so reliant and deskilled that she feels that one is not enough (she needs one for her nails!).

She was adamant that she wanted to go into a home so we let this ridiculous situation mushroom. Then as soon as DF died, she bedded in to the big house with the live-in servant carer.

And if I try to reduce it or make changes, I get vitriole. She thinks because we're not doing the hands-on stuff, that we do nothing. I spend hours and hours dealing with finances, organising the carers, chasing up appointments, the usual. Of course I recognise that I'm incredibly fortunate that I'm not doing the day to day caring.

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Daffodilsandtuplips · 30/01/2024 15:49

I think I’d be having a word with the agency about the influence this carer isn having.

AllEars112232 · 30/01/2024 15:48

I'm concerned that the carer had control of a bank card. My sister had dementia and the care agency would never have allowed their staff to be using a client's card. There is risk on both sides here. What is your mother accuses the carer of theft?
The bank would have a field day with the fact that your mother lets her use the card, and presumably knows the PIN!!

Mrsjayy · 30/01/2024 15:47

ClematisRock · 30/01/2024 14:57

I can't help you with the cost of such a chair but I'd be a tad concerned at the influence this cater seems to have over your mum with regard to spending mum's money.

I really hope you've got Power of Attorney in place and a 3rd Party agreement in place with your mum's bank.

this, does the carer come from a company or are they private, encouraging your mum to shop.and spend is unethical imo and 5 k for a chair my god!

Original poster
Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:44

DM has quite a bit of inherited money. It's not a pension or money she's earnt, most of it came from inheriting a very large house (larger even than the one she's currently living in).

It's tricky because there is enough money to keep going for really quite a long time. But why spend crazy amounts of money when we could spend less? But even saying that feels like we're trying to penny pinch. It's all so ironic as they were so parsimonious growing up - like I got no maintenance money at university, we never went on holiday, we barely got given birthday presents.

And the more crap that gets bought from the internet, the more decluttering will fall to me. She has 200 scarves! Loads with their tags unpopped.

She doesn't have a social worker. Because they've got money, most of the arrangements have been done privately. The NHS GP just told me that now was the time to "turn on the money hose".

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Pigriver · 30/01/2024 15:43

Could the live in carer be replaced with a PA, someone who comes maybe 3 hours a day, tidies up, takes her shopping, to get her hair done and for walks etc? Or does she needs help washing and feeding?

could she be persuaded to sell the big house and move into a retirement village? There are some lovely, very MC ones near me. Probably v expensive but much cheaper than a carer. They usually have someone coming in weekly for hair and nails etc. It sounds like if she had more company she would be less dependent on the carer.

ebts · 30/01/2024 15:40

My mum got stuck in her recliner chair during a power cut. She didn't have the strength or mobility to get out of it. Eventually she pressed her emergency button, and they rang round her contacts one of whom came out and helped her out. It was an eventuality that had never crossed my mind.

MeinKraft · 30/01/2024 15:34

Does your mum have a social worker? You and the carer should be at multi disciplinary meetings where her financial arrangements will form part of the discussion.

Advice400 · 30/01/2024 15:30

Would.she understand more if you wrote it down?

I'm.assuming your Mum has very good savings and probably an exceptionally good pension too, given the arrangements that have been in place. You are of course POA for her and her needs.

What do the budgets look like - is her caring arrangement in jeopardy if she lives for many more years?

Beamur · 30/01/2024 15:30

My Mother with dementia never got the hang of using this type of chair. Would recline it but forget how to right it again and would - very unsafely - climb out.

RandomMess · 30/01/2024 15:29

I think you need to tell the carers that her funds are running out and they need to not enable her spending frivolously.

It may or not be strictly true but it's silly buying lots of new clothes if the money is better spent elsewhere.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/01/2024 15:29

Yes the carer is through a nationwide agency, which charges an absolute fortune (nearly 2k a week)

That is an insane amount of money. So you have complete control over her finances? Can you terminate this agreement and choose a carer that doesn’t encourage her to buy 6 cashmere jumpers a week?!

Original poster
Valleyofthedollymix · 30/01/2024 15:27

The Recliner Factory are our £4.5k merchants! It's annoying because I bet without the carer's involvement we could buy her a nice refurbished non-bespoke one and it would be fine. But now it'll go into my mother's burn book of spending grievances.

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