DM wants a riser-chair costing £4.5k! Advice v welcome

It's not unusual for someone to be unhappy with a carer they are sent and a good agency will replace her. She won't necessarily be sacked - they'll just send her somewhere else. We had a lot of live in carers when my DP were ill and I'm sorry to say this but some of them, both managed through the agency and employed directly by us, were not good at all. It is difficult to find good ones so it might be worth seeing if you can resolve things with your current carer before asking for her to be replaced.

I listened to a really interesting podcast called Intrigue by the BBC which was all about an older lady being exploited financially - in the podcast's case it was by a much younger man who was trying to wheedle his way into her money.

One of the things which they explored was financial decision making. They interviewed two academics who said that decisions around money and spending are often the things that elderly people struggle with the most, with or without dementia. A key point was "in a sample of more than 400 older adults and found that even modest cognitive decline is related to a decline in financial decision-making ability in some older adults"

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6245583/

In my own mum it's the other way around, she has LOADS of money and no expensive tastes, won't spend any money despite her having plenty. Very frugal and denies herself things we'd much rather she had. Agree that the way forward is lessening the grip of the carer but good luck with that.

We are in control of my mother's finances but carer can use the card and also asks for stuff. I don't think she's dodgy, but she's deeply irritating.

Okay I've found it now @Valleyofthedollymix

This has got to stop.

It's completely wrong to allow a stranger to access your mum's credit cards and buy things for her with them.

The carer could well be buying all sorts of things that you can't keep track of.

If there was an issue with any purchases, you've not have a leg to stand on if you had to speak to the bank and admit a stranger was given your Mum's cards to buy on her behalf.

She could also order things for herself - or anyone - to be delivered to your Mum's house.

I can't believe you are allowing this.

Such a difficult and stressful situation especially when far away

In regards to the seating at 4 grand it is most definitely specialist seating and as already mentioned it would not be wise to purchase this without an OT assessment.

Riser chairs require a level of cognition to operate or else 24 hour supervision/assistance to use.

Can your mother sit to stand from.the chair she is in? Has she any postural or pressure needs?

I know ow you mentioned reduced mobility is she able to mobilise with an aid?

In regards go the carer I would go back to the agency ahe is not professional at all. As other users have suggested,be worth trying a different agency.

Good luck

Yes we do have POA and she's lost capacity to use a bank card or deal with the bank in anyway. She can't use a mobile or the internet. Her spending is facilitated.

So who does her spending for her?
Is this the carer?
Or is it you?

I really hope the carer is not able to use your mum's credit cards and buy things for her.

Does she?

If so it's a complete no-no.

Can't you draw the line and tell your Mum she doesn't need more clothes?
200 scarves?

Two things are very likely with dementia. The first is full time care. This will need to be paid for. The second is losing the ability to recognise you have wet/soiled yourself. This 4k chair won't see much use and in all probability become soaked and fit for the tip.

I wonder if the care provider has a little racket going on with the chair company?

I've not read your posts about her eating BUT my mother had to hide food from my Dad because he couldn't remember what he'd eaten half an hour ago.

eg- he would eat an orange, then another one, and up to a whole bagful, with disastrous effects on his bowels.

One thing to think about in all these assessments is whether both the eating and spending are not just ways of coping but - as someone mentioned above - symptoms of dementia. In which case she is not necessarily acting in her best interests. And possibly the carer should be a bit more careful about letting her buy things and eat sugar.

It may have been me and if it wasn't, I agree anyway.

Behavioural changes to do with money are all too common.

( Dad who was generous to a fault, despite not being wealthy, became irrational over money and a complete miser.)

Looking at it realistically, buying that many cashmere jumpers when she possibly isn't going anywhere or wearing them much, sounds like a symptom of her illness.

Because it's irrational behaviour.

I know it may be hard to facilitate, but could you do something to stop this wild spending? At an extreme level it would be taking her credit cards off her and managing her spending online, or if she has cash or cheques.

I'd speak to Age UK and Alzheimer's in order to see what you can do.

She really needs a situation where you or your siblings can veto purchases, using your POA, because she's bordering on incapacity to handle her finances sensibly.

It may well be that the shopping & 'getting one over' on OP are giving DM a pleasure 'hit'. This in turn will make her easier to deal with for the carer.

So the carer may be facilitating the spending and excess sugar eating as a way of sedating DM. The carer may not see it like this - just sees that shopping and sugar make DM happy and compliant. Denying DM makes her sad/angry and difficult.

I like the main carer who makes my life easier by taking a lot of initiative. But god she loves spending other people's money. So much smoked salmon! She's always on at me for something - the most expensive Dyson, a new bigger TV etc. We are in control of my mother's finances but carer can use the card and also asks for stuff. I don't think she's dodgy, but she's deeply irritating.

Uhhh it sounds like this carer is thoroughly in the driving seat here. Why is she demanding stuff? Why are you letting yourself be railroaded like this?! Are you intimidated by her or something?

Stop this spunking money on everything and anything – it is entirely within your power and it sounds like you have good grounds for demanding and expecting more prudence.

I know exactly how you feel - the carer is taking the proverbial and you feel your mother is being emotionally abused, there is something wrong with this whole situation. Like a teenage rebellion in reverse or something. Something is not right and it is bugging you. I would change the carer, having spoken to her first, pay her to say to your mother 'she is moving away because of family affairs' and find a decent one. Nothing to do with dementia, some carers manipulate or 'direct' their carees in any direction they want.

The one I’m using now do give them training, in addition to the professional training courses they have done independently. And tbh it really shows.

But otherwise agencies are responsible for checking they’ve done the relevant training and work experience.

I don’t think OP needs to give up on carers yet. I went through 2 agencies before I found our current excellent agency, which I would highly recommend, but OP’s DM is not in the London area.

I’d try to find a better carer/s for a less extortionate cost before giving up and going for the home option as her mum is not keen for the moment. That said, it would be much less stressful once she is in a home.

OP I would contact the agency and complain about the carer being rude to you and inviting a rep into her home without your agreement. Focus on the carers worst behaviour, it makes a complaint stronger than throwing every concern in there.
Hopefully if the agency are already looking at the carer the they will sack her making it easier for the change of carer between you and your mum.

I agree with this.

And anyway, you just tell the agency that you don't want her back and that's the end of it. No angst. You don't even have to tell her yourself.

BTW care agencies don't train their carers. They just place them with clients after they've recruited them. Yes, even the expensive ones.

It's not that unusual I think. A friends's GM had dementia and was an early internet adopter; her family were endlessly having to send back cases of champagne and Smart cars...

OP says her mum cannot use the Internet or her mobile.

All this online spending is facilitated by the carer.

Came here to say this; up to you raising concerns she has been pleasant and you’ve even felt grateful to her despite your Mum shelling out thousands for the service because, as you rightly said, she does what you simply can’t do.
She must have felt indispensable; but now you’ve started questioning, she’s definitely rattled and can see her cushy number may potentially be drawing to an end, she’s turned and has been rude to you.
If your Mum isn’t opposed to the idea a nice residential home equipped with any number of chairs and carers may be a better option all around.

I’m surprised you don’t have higher standards about carers then.

Who said anything about firing her financial abuse? She’s shit all round.

OP just rings the agency and tells them she wants a replacement, she also needs a chat with them about the professionalism of the carers on their books.

I feel your pain about carers (pass agg whatsapp's are the bane of my life), but that's not what I came here to say.

One thing to think about in all these assessments is whether both the eating and spending are not just ways of coping but - as someone mentioned above - symptoms of dementia. In which case she is not necessarily acting in her best interests. And possibly the carer should be a bit more careful about letting her buy things and eat sugar.

It's not that unusual I think. A friends's GM had dementia and was an early internet adopter; her family were endlessly having to send back cases of champagne and Smart cars...

Also - if she has dementia, where you and she are now is not where you will always be. We did not get my DM into care early enough, and now she is utterly dependent on her house to know what she is doing. She would have been much happier in a home a few years back. She currently has one carer, but if she starts getting up in the night, or losing mobility then this is going to have to change again. Your mother has a right to say she wants to stay in the house, but you do need to work out all the eventualities and options.

My late dad bought a riser recliner chair from an every day furniture store, although it wasn’t bespoke there were options for width and height of the chair. It seemed expensive to me but wasn’t anywhere near £4000.

it difficult with carers. My sister had to stop my parents giving the carers £200 each as an Easter present, as they had been telling them how hard up they were.

And she’s with an agency which makes it easy. You do not want an inexperienced carer living in with a dementia patient full stop. It’s not OP’s job to explain boundaries and professional conduct to the carer, it’s for the agency to ensure she has the right training and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing a good job.

It's worth reading up about LBD.

There is plenty online on charity websites etc.

Being realistic I'd say living till she was 98, already with dementia at 83, is unlikely.

With my Dad, he eventually became so unstable that he was falling over in the bathroom and in the garden.

He died after being taken to hospital for a check up after falling.
He really lost the will to live there and the little mobility he had left, because unlike at home, because he wasn't 'made' to walk and keep his muscles strong. He faded away over 3 weeks .

It was sad because they said once he was more mobile they would discharge him, but with hindsight, if he had LBD , that was never going to happen.

No OP said the opposite, the agency are the carer’s employer (hence the fees).

The current carer is not mums friend, not family, she's employed to do a job, not criticise you, what's her beef about, why are you having to listen to that conversation. Get the assessments done, maybe an independent health worker will suggest different approaches. What does the current carer do apart from spend your mums money.