Elderly Father insists no funeral

An old friend of mine was cremated today. Only a couple of people went to the actual cremation.

In summer he will be having a party to celebrate his life. This means all the kids he knew including my DD can come and run around.

Another friend of mine, who was nearly half a century younger, had something similar a few years back.

I would imagine that the place that plants the trees could suggest a celebrant or someone else who could say a few words?

Or maybe you could ask the people you'd invite to witness the tree planting if they'd like to say a few words - other relatives or friends?

My Aunt chose a direct cremation but her family gathered for the day in a country pub a few months later to remember and chat about her. That was lovely. There was food and a few drinks, very convivial - but none of us went to her cremation and there was no formal ceremony anywhere.

My dad left his body to medical science, so when he died in hospital, his body was taken to the particular department that deals with those things. There was no funeral - no coffin, flowers, undertaker, etc. The hospital offered to conduct a service for friends and relatives, so we did that then had drinks and a buffet at a local pub. My husband and I have both signed up for body donation.

I had a direct cremation for dh, I couldn’t sit through his funeral.

Ill be having one too.

I would absolutely respect and honour a relative’s final wishes.

Funerals / memorials / celebration of life / service of thanksgiving are for the living not for the dead.

With the best will in the world, he will never know how you choose to mark it. Do what brings you comfort.

Mums total funeral costs were £8k - £7k for the fairly average cremation and service (no cars etc) and £1k for a fab party. She would have been horrified it was that way round.

In my opinion it's your last chance to honour them by meeting their wishes but I can see how those surviving family and friends might want a supported mourning event.
I don't see how these two things should not both happen either. A memorial or a wake is not part of the funeral service.

This is fantastic! 😄

No formal funerals for either my mum or my dad. Family got together and played music they loved and talked about them.

I want a direct cremation, cheap as possible. My kids can spend the saved money on a fabulous holiday, where they can raise a glass or 2 to their old Mum. Give the kids a few grand each, or some random funeral director? No brainer.

If it’s only a small number of you could you go for a meal together. Maybe print a memory book of photos to pass round and chat about his life rather than a formal talk from a celebrant. That said I do think funerals are for the living and it is up to you what you want to do once someone has died.

You don't have to have a funeral to have a wake or some sort of get together in his memory. I don't think he would object to that would he?

If he says "no funeral", then that's what he means. A celebrant is not needed. We would all hate for our wishes not to be followed, so we should respect the choices of others.

My dads cousin had the most wonderful send off - slightly different as he was being buried on their farm, but he'd met with the celebrant beforehand and planned out what he wanted said and then everyone stood in the orchard and laughed about his love of tractors together. It was really him.
Due to COVID, both of my parents had direct cremations and then we scattered their ashes somewhere beautiful that they loved. My dad would have totally approved, but I would have liked a small gathering to share his life with

I don't want a funeral. I wouldn't object to a speeding ticket on the way to the crem though.

TBH I don’t give two hoots what happens to you, since you asked.

@Deathbyathousandcats

What??

So if I were of a certain religion, you would say 'stuff that, I'm ignoring all the religious rituals that were important to my parent and do whatever the fuck I like'

Why the hell should you decide what happens to me?

I am going for a basic cremation, no service. Save the money, scatter me over a cliff (or quiet deserted beach), go out for a nice meal and drink wine and whiskey instead.

My mother wanted a direct funeral for environmental reasons and she was an atheist. She wanted to separate the cremation from any social event and reduce stress for us immediately after her death. This gave us the freedom and time to plan a celebration of life a few months later.

Although a direct funeral is unattended, the company we chose did allow all kinds of requests, like we could send messages, cards, emails etc to them to go in with mum to her committal. Also we chose music and readings to be read out. They could have scattered her ashes there or return them to us.

We understood and respected her wishes but it was odd to actually go through the process as none of us had. It was made very much easier by the kindness we met with.

Rather controlling of you to insist on how things are done after you’re dead. If I was your relatives I’d ignore everything.

My mum has paid for a private cremation, we just pick her ashes up after and that's that

Funerals are for the living

I will be having a direct cremation. I will pay for it in advance so that I can not be overruled.

It is my body, I have the right to decide how it is disposed of. If I wanted to give it to science or for organ donation, I could not be overruled by my family.

I absolutely disagree that family get to pick what they want when it is clearly against my wishes. Especially as they would be using my money to do this - it would be against everything that I believe in and would be akin to ignoring religious funeral rights because they didn't like them.

This is important to me. My family are aware of the strength of my feelings about it.

I’m also planning a Direct Cremation as O don’t want my family paying a fortune for a coffin, etc,. I have requested that they have a good old party though & I’d really like my ashes sent up in a firework.