Elderly Father insists no funeral

Couldn't be arsed with me while I was alive? Don't bother coming near me when I'm dead, pretending you care, with your faux grieving! I t can be an immense comfort to the bereaved to see so many people who at least cared enough to come for the funeral

My husband had a woodland burial. About 100 of us walked through the woods to the burial plot. A tractor and trailer pulled the coffin. We played lots of his favourite music and all had reminiscences together. Then we took over the village pub.
it was the closest I could get to him suggesting “ just put me in the wheelie bin “
he would have loved to chat to his friends who came from all over the world.
It did make me realise that I should chat to my friends now , not leave it too late

I am really sickened by what Mumsnet has become and how the AIBU culture has pervaded the whole site and people are ready to argue for no good reason at the drop of a hat.

OP has asked a relatively simple question about experiences with direct funerals and for some advice.

Mostly her question has been ignored and the thread has turned into a bunfight, with some breathtakingly rude tit for tatting amongst posters arguing about funerals generally.

This is not even in AIBU. This is a question posted in the correct topic which does not need to be hijacked by Mumsnetters behaving badly. Why does it even need saying??

Again, just because they are dead, why should you go against their wishes and beliefs?

The arrogance and selfishness of some on this thread are breathtaking - prepared to ride rough-shod over everyone else's needs, but their own

Wow! unbelievable. You are controlling if you are happy to ignore the wishes of your family.

That is such an arrogant attitude. If a person does not want a funeral or any memorial get-together, that should be respected.
The 'funerals are for the living' attitude is just selfish

Mine had a direct cremation and the independent funeral director was considerate and caring. The ashes were returned to us, and we are going to do a scattering and memorial as a family in the summer.

I think funerals are for those left behind. Do what you feel you need to do to say your goodbyes.

Is there a reason you want a celebrant to talk about him rather than you and his family and friends talking about him?

My Dad wanted and got a direct to crem funeral and we didn't want to know where or when it took place. Apparently they were going to spread the ashes in the crematorium gardens.

We had all chatted about it before he died. It was exactly what we all wanted and none of us regret it.

When we reminisce about my Dad we chat about him when he was alive. I'm glad we don't have a funeral to 'remember'

Y whole family are doing direct to crem funerals with no service or ashes.

You can organise it online.

My parents have already sorted out direct cremation for each of them when the time comes. No funerals. I don't think it's what I would have chosen for them, but I will respect their choice.

Funerals do cost a shit load of money. I’m inclined to agree with him. Would any of the mourners be able to say a few words? Or I’m sure you could get a celebrant - ask your local funeral director for some names of people they use and see if any are interested. I reckon this kind of thing will get more common.

@Iwasafool

"My DH has thought of that and been clear, direct cremation, no scattering ashes, no wake, no memorial. He knows it upsets me but he is adamant."

That's really horrible of him. Tbh I'd be telling him that I wouldn't be honouring that I'm afraid. What's he going to do about it?!? Funerals are for the living. It's horribly cruel to deny them the opportunity to process the death and grieve if that's what they want/need to do. Why would he want to do that to his loved ones? Just tell him no.

I'm a funeral director and I couldn't agree more.

Just make sure that the companies you use for the direct cremations treat you or your loved ones with respect. Because the ones you see on your telly don't. Heard all sorts of people going straight from hospitals. Cremated remains left on door steps , lost, delivered to the wrong place. Put in a bag.

Independent funeral directors offer the same service for similar costs. You can save money and heart ache but still have dignity.

Absolutely fine for you to have this wish with your body.

But let your family find their own way to grieve you. Perhaps a meal together or something. Don't make them feel that they are wrong if that is what they want or NEED to do.

I don't care if my "wishes" are followed as I'll be dead. Not will you. You'll be dead. You won't know.

I have to say I do hate this type of thing. My mum is.set on deciding on what's going to at her funeral. I keep reminding her that she won't actually be there!

Dictating that "you" don't want a funeral is unfair. The funeral/wake is not for you, It's for the living. It's their opportunity to say goodbye and process the death and start to grieve. Denying them that is odd (as you won't be there!) and very unfair.

My direct cremation is paid for. My family know my wishes and are in complete agreement.

They can have a bit of a do if they want but no funeral.

This. I can't bear funerals where people go on about how wonderful the person was when they slagged them off in life and / or didn't bother with them. Definitely not having any of that hypocrisy.

When my atheist Father died fifteen years ago, he was cremated, we knew he did not want a religious ceremony, so we hired a wonderful "celebrant" And had a "humanist ceremony". We chatted to him about dads life and character, Gave him all the highlights. He made some notes and duly spoke at the crematorium, He made it very special for us, he wove our memories of dad into a moving and amusing life story. He was a lovely man, with a gentle voice, it was as though he knew our Dad. It felt right.

Seeing that the issue fir your dad is the money, I’m pretty sure he’d be happy with a memorial service or simply ‘meeting at a pub to celebrate his life’. Or as you say plant a tree and have a celebrant there.

I agree that these ceremonies are about the living if the deceased didn’t believe in god etc….
And that’s just as important.

My DH has thought of that and been clear, direct cremation, no scattering ashes, no wake, no memorial. He knows it upsets me but he is adamant.

Wow, what a breathtakingly rude post. Having a bad day are you?

No need to take it out on people on here. Good grief.

Yep! No funerals here! We are going for direct cremations. (Me and DH.) Our DC don't mind as they say they can't bear the thought of going to our funeral(s) anyway. Plus, us having direct cremations takes the financial burden off anyone when we're gone.

CBA with a funeral. I have few people in my life who I love and care about, and vice versa. About 18-20 tops - incl, DC and their spouses, DC's spouses parents, and siblings (one each,) one cousin, one aunt, and my cousin's DC, and maybe 4 or 5 neighbours and 3 friends.

I am not having a funeral where dozens of people turn up just to show their face, (like people in my village who say hello but don't show any further interest, work colleagues who are OK but not the type of people I would associate with outside work, (apart from just 2 who I get one with OK and have the odd coffee with,) or extended family and old friends and acquaintances who have had fuck all to do with me for 20 years or more.) Couldn't be arsed with me while I was alive? Don't bother coming near me when I'm dead, pretending you care, with your faux grieving!

The people who know me well/are in my day to day life are aware that I am not having a funeral - or DH, and they don't mind/don't care. They show me enough care and attention and love now while I am alive. They don't need to 'prove' how upset they are at some bloody costly funeral where they won't even know half the people turning up, as these people they don't know have not seen ME since 2001, or they don't have anything to do with me in my day to day life!

Respect your father's wishes @Lesr98 He has his reasons for not wanting a funeral!

Are you having a laugh?! 😆 I hope this is a joke/wind up post.

Several years ago I left, with my only child consent, my body to the local teaching hospital. Recently, they wrote to say that they no longer wanted bodies for their students to practice on.

My next preference was for a cremation with no one present. I've never been to a party I've enjoyed, I'm not going to choose to have one when I'm dead.

The proviso in all this, is that my adult child does whatever she needs to do. And she's aware of this wish.

I will not be there, the funeral, whatever form it takes, is for the living. So, opening poster, if it comforts you to have a celebrant there, my advice would be to do.just that.