Elderly Father insists no funeral

Every culture in the planet has rituals and customs around death. They help the living to come to terms with the bereavement and to move on.

The deceased’s wishes around what happens to their body should absolutely be respected as it is the final bit of autonomy that they have. The ritual around that, that I consider “the funeral” is in the hands of the living. Wishes should be taken into consideration, like the pp who wants the full rites of the RC church. But there are circumstances when I think it’s perfectly appropriate for the family to over ride. Particularly if the deceased says no funeral but the family still wish to come together to grieve and hold some form of ritual, whether religious or not, and it would be of comfort to them. The deceased’s body doesn’t need to be involved in that if they were insistent on no funeral.

Or to offer another view an immense upset. I had a couple of awful messages from relatives who I'd not seen, and who had not seen my elderly relative for years before they died but took umbrage that I'd not told them immediately he'd died (I'd no contact details for them for one thing) and decided to find me on facebook and berate me on fb messenger and tell me how awful I was. All very Jeremy Kyle on their part. I was absolutely panicked that they would come to the wedding as I wanted to say something about how badly they had behaved but also knew that silence was the better option.

In the end of course they didn't come, so why all the fuss.

Of course the fun bit at a traditional funeral is always the -who was that bloke at the back of the crem, did you know him, did he know my dad, no no idea who he was conversation at the "do" after.

You can organise and prepay for a direct cremation for yourself. Your body is taken away you are cremated with no service and a nominated (by you) person will be told that it has happened. If you leave no other directions the ashes will be scattered in the garden of remembrance.

Again going back to OPs question, no, you don't have a celebrant after the cremation.

But as PP have said, you can respect your DDad's wishes but at the same time still mark it in some way.

Go somewhere he liked going to. Have a memorial service. Have a party. Have a drink at his local pub/café/restaurant. Do his favourite walk or drive. Plant something. Put a new bench for public use in the local park or green area. Make it meaningful to you and your family.

DH and I don't want funerals. Our DC can have a meal or cup of tea, whatever they prefer.

A friend of ours is a keen environmental volunteer. She has asked that as many local friends and relatives as possible hold a litter pick in her memory instead of a funeral. I think that's perfect.

Actually like this.
Of 2 parents one had a funeral one didn't.
Funerals are for the living.
And we needed it for a final goodbye and closure.
The parent that didn't have a funeral was odd... unsettling.,, the siblings met at one of their homes, had a meal and talked about them. .. it just didn't feel right .....

So... you went against your grandmother's wishes. First of all how disrespectful!

And secondly, of COURSE she was invited if it was her funeral! So the comment where her son told her she is not invited anyway, is not only unfunny, it also makes no sense.

Well they don't need to worry about hoping multiple dozens of faux mourners people will come, if there IS no funeral WILL they?

And what if you DO have a funeral, and no-one turns up. (Except their spouse and DC.) How embarrassing for that person who has died, for everyone to know no-one could be bothered to turn up.

Didn't think of that did ya?

Tell you what, with the amount of posters on here saying they will go against their loved ones wishes for a direct cremation and have a big funeral anyway, I am going to look into having it written in STONE that my wish (for a direct cremation) cannot be overturned. Seriously, I am consulting a solicitor about this.

My DC love and respect me and DH and are happy with our desire/request for a direct cremation, but I don't want some nosey intrusive individual coming along trying to take over and trump my wishes and have a funeral.

People request when they are living that they want NO FUNERAL. How DARE people disrespect them when they are gone? What a terrible attitude from some on here. 'Ya know what, to hell with what he/she wanted, we are having a funeral.' WTAF?

It is disgusting, and disrespectful, to completely ignore the views of a dead loved one like this.

Can you people hear yourselves?! I am actually furious and upset at some of these posts!

My grandma said no funeral.

My dad (her son) told her in no uncertain terms she wasn’t invited anyway.

We had a massive funeral, ate, drank, laughed, cried.

Funerals are for the living and it’s what we needed.

Do what feels right x

@MereDintofPandiculation

It can be an immense comfort to the bereaved to see so many people who at least cared enough to come for the funeral

@betterangels · Today 11:38

Except a lot of people attend funerals because they feel like they have to, not because they want to. It's obligation, and I agree that it's often fake.

Yep, what you said @betterangels Fake and showy. Never bothered with the person when they were alive, but come to show their face when they die. No thanks.

I won't disrespect his wishes, it is the last thing you can do for someone. I on the other hand want a full Catholic funeral, received into the church the night before, full mass on the day. I do hope my wishes are respected even though my children aren't believers.

And at the same time, in my family, it has been the occasion for family members to see each other again when distance had stopped a lot of that. Just like weddings tbh.

Eg my mum got back in touch with her cousins after a funeral. They had stopped being in touch with each other when my parents moved abroad. No Internet at the time and they lost touch.

Just echoing what so many have said here about funerals / wakes / celebrations of life etc. being for those left behind, not for the person that has passed away.

I can completely understand someone wanting to dictate what happens to their body after they've died, but I don't really think that they can dictate how their loved ones will choose to remember them.

Part of the grieving process is around having closure and saying goodbye, remembering the good times and being comforted by friends, family, the community etc. I think that it's really important that this element isn't taken away, or that loved ones are not made to feel that they are not respecting someone's wishes by wanting to celebrate their life and mourning for them.

Agreed.
My dh will get the funeral that I want and if i die first he can give me the funeral he wants
Once I'm dead it makes no difference to me.
My only stipulation is that I'm cremated because I'm terrified of being buried alive.

That's a lovely compromise. 💐

The deceased might want a coach and four black horses with black feathers but the living might not have the money, nor want to spend it if they had.

That's why it's up to the living relatives to decide.

Funerals are for the bereaved living. It's ultimately up to you what you do.

Hopefully you have also stated it elsewhere because your will won't be read until after you are disposed of.

This is something that concerns me, I want to ensure that I go where I have always wanted to end up but need to find someone that will respect that.

Except a lot of people attend funerals because they feel like they have to, not because they want to. It's obligation, and I agree that it's often fake.

I dread having to have the conversation with my parents about funerals. I will honour what they want, but funerals cost a shitload of money.

For what it's worth, just to present a different view to the many here who say that funerals are for the living: I believe the soul who is departing is aware of what is going on after their death. This is part of the Buddhist and Hindu teachings I try to follow. I believe that the soul looks on, and that it can be grieved if it does not like what it sees. If that soul is not pleased, there is a negative impact on the living relatives. How keenly I felt my Dad's presence after he died! And my Mum after she died! They were present!

Rather controlling of you to insist on how things are done after you’re dead. If I was your relatives I’d ignore everything.

And you'd be paying for it out of your own pocket, of course, not taking the cost out of your deceased relative's estate.

to answer the OPs question, a celebrant would do this for you. but equally you could do this yourselves by asking everyone to come with a memory or a word that sums up your father.
I can understand the want for direct cremation - its cheaper, its simpler, its no fuss. But I do wonder what the effect on grieving will be? A funeral is a chance to mark a death, to hear what a good person they were (or if not, hopefully have that handled well) and to ritually say goodbye, gathered together with family and friends. if that doesn't happen, will it make the bereavement journey harder in the long run? I hope not but will be interested to see what happens as the number of direct funerals rises.

That’s awful and so disrespectful. Why would you deny the last wishes of your loved one just so you can have a party? Choose what you want for your own funeral.

I want a direct cremation and have stated such in my will. I've also added I don't want a wake.

Our family are spread out. Of course those of us near here will reminisce. But the more far flung elements of the family will want to come to the funeral. We don’t see them enough normally to reminisce with them, a funeral provides a focus. And now weddings are paid for by the couple as a party for their friends, funerals are about the only event where families come together. Why does this matter if the family isn’t part of your everyday life? Because families are still there, whereas friends who drift away cut links entirely.