No future planning and now crisis

That’s the entire point of the thread. People don’t move when they’re fit and able and become unfit and unable and by then it’s too late.

But most people don't see the point of downsizing when they are still full of life

Just watch escape to the country !

This in spades. Same with my relatives- the house is large and high maintenance, the garden is large, sloped and high maintenance. They are dependent on being able to drive to get anywhere. I’ll certainly be downsizing to a smaller place once my children have left home and making sure it’s somewhere appropriate for later life- level access, downstairs bathroom and bedroom, low maintenance and transport links.

And if two thirds of anyone’s house is used for storage of item with no use, no material value and no sentimental value then they have a hoarding problem. Even a single room storing pointless items. That's a big leap! I haven’t met many people who say their house has enough storage.

You don't need to assume - I've already made my age clear on this board. and that I'm not ready to downsize. Where would I keep the canoes and the climbing gear? But while I have my father alive, my DC do not regard me as old.

And if two thirds of anyone’s house is used for storage of item with no use, no material value and no sentimental value then they have a hoarding problem. Even a single room storing pointless items.

Can I assume you’re getting on in life yourself and not wanting to move?!

But they still have them! Even if just for storage.

We've been saying that this would happen for 10 years and now she's perfectly happy to run me ragged and stress me out She probably doesn’t understand that. She sees that she’s asking you to do a five minute job. She may have forgotten that the 5 minute job involves you driving for 4 hours. She certainly won’t understand the knot in your stomach every time the phone rings.

They don’t use two thirds of the rooms they currently have!

Well, it doesn’t retain quality of life necessarily, because they’re living in a smaller space. So they have to balance up whether it’s better to have a partial reduction now in return for postponing the major reduction that will come later.

Same here and I'm fed up of it. Neediness, self-neglect and refusal to engage is spot on!

NO to every offer of help: cleaner, carers, moving stuff they said they want taken to the tip, fixing trip hazards. Then I'm expected to spend 4 hours each way on the bloody motorway dealing with some pointless shit that could be dealt with by their pig-headed "partner" or by the people we've offered to get in to help. As if I have nothing better to do and no right to downtime.

We've been saying that this would happen for 10 years and now she's perfectly happy to run me ragged and stress me out. Pure selfishness. No wise advice but you're not alone if it makes you feel any better!

We’re heading this way with elderly relatives who refuse to see that at over 80 they need to plan ahead. “We’re not there yet” is their mantra, ignoring the fact that when one of them does have a stroke/break a hip/develop dementia it then becomes a crisis whereas downsizing to a manageable house with level access, potential for a downstairs bedroom/bathroom, easy to care for garden etc etc retains quality of life while also ensuring they ARE able to cope when things inevitably start to deteriorate. So frustrating.

Have you seen a care home you would be happy with ?

How many people are realistic that this is it - their lives are over ?

It's not the concept , it tue actuality in a world geared for youth and profit

Until people stay away, completely, and she has to phone emergency services then nothing will change.
Whilst people are calling in, doing her shopping, odd jobs, sorting problems etc then nothing will change.
Give social services 48 hours notice in writing and withdraw contact.

Ignoring the real problem you now face and going back to your headline

How does one future plan though ?

Ignoring that everyone ends up differently

There is not much high quality sheltered living accommodation or a community that she could have signed up for , so there is a not a culture of signing up for such accommodation or communities ( which do exist in other countries )

Care in the uk is a last resort that is done as cheap as possible , no one plans to put themselves in that situation

And because there isn't really a good option no one wants to think about it and get mentally prepared- because there is absolutely nothing positive to look forward to

you can probably make what is called a Safeguarding referral online with her local authority.

if she is taking a load of random meds and neglecting herself physically then it's likely she will meet the threshold for some level of attempted intervention from services - it may well not meet the threshold for safeguarding immediately but it should generate some involvement from adult social care who could then involve other agencies.

Vent away!!!

@disappearingfish I can only offer solidarity, this is so similar to what we’ve been dealing with and the mix of neediness, self-neglect and refusal to engage with those who can help is just exhausting. On the verge of capacity but not reality with any grip on reality 😔