No future planning and now crisis

and yes, the children should be contacted no matter where they live

I think the GP and local authorities can easily decide on this ?

That’s a relief, it sounds as if it’s the best option for her now.

Tbh, I’d advise your DH to step back and let her children know that action urgently needs to be taken. Her children are presumably her next of kin and they now need to step in to organize her care.

Yes, they have their own lives and live far away, but that’s what adult children have to do sometimes, myself included. My Auntie lives locally and helps my Dad to a limited extent, but she hasn’t been involved in major decisions or organizing his care. As I mentioned upthread, Adult Social Care has been v. helpful to us.

He got a call because she wants her duvet cover changed (it was changed yesterday but she doesn't like the one she's got on now🤷🏻‍♀️) he said no. That she isn't actually sleeping in her bedroom/bed right now didn't seem to make it less of an emergency

Your husband was right to say no and needs to keep doing that. She's enabled to carry on like this as long as people dance to her tune. If they stop, it will force change.

It isn't just the welfare of the elderly person that should be considered, it's the health and welfare of everyone else. I have a family member who was very badly affected by an elderly relative who acted in a similar way to your SIL. It had a profound effect on their life and their mental health. Your SIL is not your responsibility.

She isn't happy, everything everyone is doing for her isn't making her happy, you simply can't make her happy. What you can do is help improve the situation overall for everyone, and harsh though it seems, that means less "helping".

I think that it often comes down to personality too. My in-laws (early 80’s) haven’t done much for us over the years (never offered to babysit certainly no financial help) but they’ve got everything in place to minimize the burden on their children if/when they need additional support. POA’s set up, already made inquiries about supported living/care homes and decided where they’d like to move if the time comes (and looked into funding it). I have to give them credit for doing this.

Whereas my Dad (85) has heavily relied on other people esp. me) to sort things out for him. The women in his life have always organized him and he’s v. good at throwing his hands in the air and saying that he can’t deal with things (even though he hasn’t got dementia and has good pensions). He expects to be looked after! 😂

Also let's face it these are people who know time is running out and that is scary. I'm only 41 and the other day it did hit me a bit I have only 27 yrs until official retirement age. Very true. I’m in my 70s and 27 years takes me to an age I’m unlikely to reach.

Also there is a generational issue here they aren't so savvy about technology and other things, we are so it might be easier for us. Don’t bank on it. The pace of change is such that technology of your later years may seem just as unfamiliar as yours does to us. I came to computers when it was a “minicomputer” the size of a wardrobe, that I had to boot up in the morning using a string of numbers followed by a lot of coded instructions, and programs and data were stored as holes punched into paper tape. It’s not incompetence with technology that gets us, it’s the magnitude of the accumulated change. And that’s just going to get worse.

The irony of this thread compared to the one a while ago about how her parents were buying a house instead of lending her money for a deposit. I bring this up because if people keep funding their adult children's lives without keeping money for themselves to fund care in later life what is to be expected.

Not saying this is what's happened in OPs case but still a comment to those other posts about making plans for old age.

You do realise you can say now u will never be like that but you will. My dad said the same thing about how old people don't shower enough don't stay active and don't grt help properly.....low and behold he doesn't shower often, refuses help, still drinks even though he's been told not by so many medical professionals, is stubborn as hell and won't even look after his health and expects my mum to do everything for him.

He does however have early onset dementia so it's only going to get tougher and let's face it it's bit scary thinking about care homes and quality of care he would grt so for now he is at home. We are grtting a poa in place though.

Also let's face it these are people who know time is running out and that is scary. I'm only 41 and the other day it did hit me a bit I have only 27 yrs until official retirement age. It might sound a lot but it really isn't and I had a wee omg moment. Then there is the loss of control to deal with which I known my dad feels, cant do things for himself as much, can't move about much it does have am effect.

Also there is a generational issue here they aren't so savvy about technology and other things, we are so it might be easier for us.

I would contact Adult Social Care as they may be able to put you in touch with someone who can help. My Dad was assigned an assessor who helped us put in place what he needed. Also, he was far more willing to listen to a non-family member …funny how that’s often the case!

He’s moved to supported living and is doing well. Several people there have carers constantly coming in, he doesn’t need that yet, his current issue is his mobility and being prone to falls, but it’s definitely available if he ever does.

He was also a keen gardener, but as PP’s have said, there comes a point when they can’t get out there anymore-my Dad kept falling when he tried to garden. He’s come to terms with it now and tends a collection of indoor plants in his flat.

@eyeslikebutterflies no one is judging you, but it makes you feel guilty doesn’t it! The pauses when they ring you to ask you to come over and you say ‘not today.’ Their tears or knowing they are unhappy- but it’s infuriating because you warned them. I’m lucky in that my parents have downsized to a suitable bungalow and have recently allowed a cleaner but they are still 50 mins away. My mum is driving but less and less, I dread when that stops and my very frail dad passes away as she will be so isolated. She will also refuse point blank to move again, closer to me as she won’t leave her garden. No matter that she probably won’t be out in it much by that time as it’s not the most accessible l.

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit
”Poor mobility, binge eating chocolate and cakes, unable to manage shopping and randomly calling all and sundry at any time of the day and night sounds like delirium (at best) or dementia (at worst) to me.

She may not be able to manage all these helpful suggestions and sort out her care package herself.”

DF lives in a dream world where he’s going to walk to the local shops (he can barely get up from a chair) from his unsuitable house (which is rammed full in every room) and do his own shopping (he hasn’t done this or even provided a list, for a long time). However, he can hold a coherent conversation with council employees where he presents himself as very capable of daily living… so not only did he fail to plan but he also tells everyone he doesn’t need professional help.

In fairness he doesn’t always ask his children for help… but that doesn’t make it any easier if you hear him fall in the night (after he has stayed up late to secretly binge eat) or make anyone feel any better when they visit him and have to wash the dried blood off his face.

We’ve also all been telling him and trying to help him for years, now his decline is happening faster than it needed to but there’s no acceptance of his limitations.

God yes. My parents moved to be "closer to our daughter" - but moved an hour's drive away from me (on a good day), up a massive hill with no shops or public transport. I begged them not to. "But we're fine!" "We can drive everywhere!"

Fast forward 10 years and my dad can't drive, has dementia, and my mum's just hasd her hip replaced can can't walk up that massive hill, and is now crying down the phone asking me why I can't just "pop in" to see them every day. Er, because it takes a min. of 3 hours, I work FT and I have 2 kids, one of whom is disabled? Oh yeah and I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.

There's loads we can do now as adults to take the burden off our kids as we age. We ALL age. So why the hell do people refuse to listen even when their kids literally spell it out to them. Stupid selfish people.

(I see them a lot, video call twice a week and do all their hospital appointments btw.)

Hard to make one-size-fits-all “rules”. DF widowed in 60s, threw himself into community work, engineering work at local museum, had lots of friends. Would it have been right to encourage him to move nearer to me? No. To downsize? Not when he had the emotional attachment of having designed his house and had it built himself. Mid 80s, he’d slowed down a lot and friends were dying off, and he was more amenable to a move. Threw himself into community activities etc. Maybe I should have persuaded him into a care home earlier? On the other hand, when he went, he was convinced himself that it was the right thing.

People know they have only so many years left and want to make the most of them. For some that means make the last years as good as possible at the expense of curtailing your life now, for others it means enjoy the now for as long as you can and hope the distant future takes care of itself

Poor mobility, binge eating chocolate and cakes, unable to manage shopping and randomly calling all and sundry at any time of the day and night sounds like delirium (at best) or dementia (at worst) to me.

She may not be able to manage all these helpful suggestions and sort out her care package herself.

@disappearingfish well at least they were willing and able to move. Unlike...

We have exactly this issue. DH’s parents live 5 hours away from any relatives, and are mid eighties. We have been trying to get them to move closer for 10 years - at first it was ‘not yet’, now at the stage where it is too much. We can’t look after them at a distance, can’t even stay there as the house is such a mess.
At least they have arranged LPOA as have my own parents.

“Darling, could you pop over and help us with X”.

Ha ha yes. These jolly types about to retire to a quiet rural location with 6 bedrooms for the grandchildrens' annual visit and a "lovely big garden to keep Jeff busy". Fast forward 12 years to their frazzled menopausal daughter weeping in the toilets at work on Friday afternoon at the prospect of yet another 300 mile drive tomorrow to deal with the latest crisis.

To be fair, my parents did everything they could -- adapted bungalow, level access shower, grab handles everywhere, inches from the bus stop and a five minute totter to the shops. They even had their names down years earlier than needed for the local sheltered accommodation.

Then mum had a minor stroke during which she fell and broke her hip anyway, and by the time she was out of hospital her needs were too great for the sheltered housing.

But they really tried to plan.