No future planning and now crisis

@PumkinPlaytime my vote goes to personality rather than era.
Hope you feeling less sandwiched now.

Sorry, not wanting to hijack, having a bad Mother’s Day all round.

Does anyone think it’s cultural too? Or not?

My mother 85 definitely thinks along lines of “elders and betters”. Unfortunately she is a narcissist so there is an extra huge dollop of entitlement. But even without that, do you think it’s part of that generation? Of course some elderly are lovely …. I almost feel 😔 for myself when I see a post about someone’s lovely, loved elderly mother.

I am in my 60s and don’t receive that kind of respect from my adult son - he does sweet FA for me and totally unreliable. I suspect he has (undiagnosed) issues but it still hurts. However I see who he is and would not bother with making any demands and so look after myself!

I'd ask the care home manager about requesting an assessment by the older adults mental health team. They were AMAZING with my mum. They identified medication that helped reduce the situation from impossible hellscape to serious but more stable almost immediately. Most importantly of all, they were the first people that mum spoke highly of for a long time. They understood what they were looking at and the causes. And they treated Mum as what she was - an adult woman dealing with very difficult neuropsychological symptoms. Unable to care for herself but still an individual person.

I hope she settles down - this must all be so stressful.

I take it that someone has explained to her that she can't carry on being obnoxious, and she's just paying no attention.

Our elderly relative has no idea how many deep breaths her daughter has taken lately before replying. She switches from expecting to her daughter to act upon every hint, to complaining that her daughter is taking over. It's so difficult.

Glad to hear that she’s somewhere safe now, but bloomin’ heck, she needs to change her attitude! How dare she treat the staff and other residents like that. She sounds awful.

I don’t know how they do it either.
They are well used to this though, they have seen it all before.

Being on a public transport route for her friends is a major consideration. However, the biggest 'decider' for us was the leadership provided by the care home manager. A visible and influential care home manager ultimately is the key, even if it is in a slightly awkward place. The continuity of staff and level of training they receive is also up there.
If the 'first' care home isn't right, she can be moved and I know all about this too,

I have found being firm, tough love, helpful in a similar situation. I said that my help is conditional on them trying to help themselves first, whether it be accepting adaptions, or using equipment that has been provided, surrendering stashed of illicit medication, and treating me with respect. If they aren't trying, then nor would I. Otherwise you will end needing care too. GL, and sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

My poor Dbro had our DM ringing him up to 30 times in one hour! She simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just spoken to him.

Oh goodness. DH once made the mistake of leaving a note out with his mobile number for MiL's temporary lunchtime carer. DMiL 'found' the note and rang his number pretty much on repeat for the whole morning. 'Hello? Who is this? There was a note here with this number...'

Delirium is very common in elderly. It presents as dementia.

Going forward, OP, lets hope the meds she's been given to reduce her agitation work well and they decide to stick with them. Once the care home is selected, it's normal for a representative from that home to visit her in hospital to make sure that her needs can be met by them before she goes to them and everything is rubber stamped.

Just giving you the heads up - and it might not come to this- but be aware if she is assessed when she is 'less agitated' and then they subsequently withdraw the meds when she departs to the care home, her challenging behaviour might give her new place of residence a problem.

I think it's normal practice in a contract for the care home to have a six week 'getting to know you ' clause'. This is where it can be terminated by either party for whatever reason. DMil parted company with her first care home after six weeks because there were issues on both sides. I'm not saying you will run into this problem, but just have it on your radar. Take the opportunity to discuss with the hospital team their recommendation for these meds- whether they are purely a one-off or maybe for the long term. (At least get the name of them so you can suggest them further along the journey.}

Feeling your pain. Going through exactly this at the moment with parents (SD at end of life) both deteriorated lots in last few years with no forward planning despite us have conversations over and over.
Try contacting social services to see if they can help.
Good luck to you and your DH x

They're sedating her just to give everyone some respite!
That one line says so much, OP.
Sending medals to you are your DH and everyone on her calling list.

It was dementia-related, but I’ve known of people having a dedicated basic mobile for such calls - delete any other number! - and have a recorded message to say, ‘Sorry, I can’t answer at the moment, but will call back later.’

And limit such calls to once or twice a day.
My poor Dbro had our DM ringing him up to 30 times in one hour! She simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just spoken to him. It was seriously starting to affect his mental health.

Her brother is able to request a Carer’s assessment in his own right from adult social services, even if your sil refuses a care needs assessment herself. This would alert them to the situation and in the case of an emergency allow respite to be organised more quickly for sil.
Does sil have capacity ? Is also contact sil GP and advise them of the situation . They may be able to discuss the issues with her- people often heed the advice of professionals even when they refuse to listen to family and friends .

This is such an important topic OP. Why do t people plan for this? Why do they assume their relatives will drop everything and be at their beck and call, especially if they're treated so poorly?!
I hope to never become so entitled that I behave in such a way. My daughter has already told me she would tell me to snap right out of it, if I attempted to ( quite rightly too).