No future planning and now crisis

I’m so sorry for your loss, @disappearingfish . As @Misthios says , it’s about quality of life and your SIL was very unwell. She’s at peace now and your family can remember the good times and heal. 💐

@Misthios They had 20 years of a great quality of life though. Your mum obviously needs to change things now, but there was no need for them to deprive themselves of living where they wanted to for those 20 years of happy retirement. I do agree about that particular house though.

I'm so sorry for your loss @disappearingfish - it's real mixed feelings when something like this happens.

This really resonates with me. My parents took early retirement from public sector jobs about 25 years ago when they were in their mid 50s, moved to an inherited house in a village so tiny there is no shop, no church, no pub. Just houses and a school which serves all the equally tiny surrounding villages. Nearest shop 4 miles away, nearest town with doctor/bank etc 6 miles away. Old, cold stone cottage with lots of draughts and ongoing maintenance, massive garden and a field behind it which is also owned by them.

Was fine for the first 15 - 20 years when they were fit and able. Lots of holidays and time in the garden. Then dad was diagnosed with dementia and it went downhill rapidly from there, mum is now on her own and needs to drive for everything. She's still able to do that now in her late 70s but will she always be able? She doesn't "do" online so no shopping deliveries or prescription deliveries.

This rural idea of a tiny village in the peace and quiet, in a traditional cottage is lovely but the realities of cleaning out a coal fire every morning and everything being a drive away is a nightmare in your 80s. We live 1h 45m away too.

@disappearingfish I’m so sorry for your loss and for the distress of the last few months 💐

I also understand about the relief. MIL had dementia and was in pain, confused and often afraid during her last 18 months or so. It put a lot of stress on her family and she was really miserable. Luckily we did have POA.

My condolences to you all. I know what you mean about it being a relief though. My mum has been in hospital for nearly a year. She has vascular disease and is slowly deteriorating. She is doubly incontinent, can't walk and has to be hoisted. She has almost no short term memory and some evidence of dementia and delirium. Now her swallowing reflex is poor. Of course she didn't do poa and has been stubborn about exercise before this all happened so here we are. I wish she would go to sleep and not wake. It's a horrible existence.

@disappearingfish Yes, declines aren’t gentle and continuous, they tend to go in fits and starts.

Well, it helps to explain her behavior , OP, and I hope this helps her to get the support that she needs. Thank goodness she’s no longer at home.

You and your DH sound so kind, try to relax. 💐

I hope things go more smoothly for you now, OP.

@disappearingfish thanks for updating and for starting the thread - it obviously resonated with many of us and it is so helpful to hear what others have learned and cathartic to share what we learn 💐
The reminder to plan ahead for our own futures is also valuable!

I remember doing similar things, although also having to sit there quietly whilst the adults droned on and not being allowed to play or read as it was considered rude! In school holidays we used to visit an elderly relative on different days of the week so Monday x, Tuesday Y etc. Then repeat the next week. I hated it so much. The summer holiday was particularly bad as they'd have the same conversation every week. For six weeks. I used to mentally tick the topics off as they worked their way through them!

It does explain why my DM thinks us visiting her for several days and just sitting in her living room whilst a load of her friends sit and chat in rotation is an acceptable activity for her grand daughter!

I think the massive difference is that I work full time though whereas DM wasn't working and I'm not wasting my annual leave and time with DD doing this.

Until I read that she's now in a care home I thought I was your SIL neighbour. We used to be ordered to do everything (never asked or requested) and because we like to be helpful, we tried to help. But it got ridiculous, so we stopped helping. After a couple of months she realised she needed help. And has paid for help since. Wealthy woman who relied on us as we were free.

This thread has really made me realise I need to have yet another go at convincing DH we need to downsize now while we could do it mostly on our own with removal people. I don't want to leave it until we'd have to rely on DC to help us. DH refuses point blank he's so bloody stubborn. Sounds like your SiL is also stubborn. My Gran didn't want to go into a care home but after about 3 or 4 months she'd made several friends and realised her family still visited her. In fact they probably went more often as easy to park and could push her in a wheelchair around the lovely landscaped grounds which she enjoyed.

Aargh sorry - the thread bounced and I missed your updates. Yay to care home!

Don’t get involved in the Bad behaviour discussions in case the care home wants to boot her out. They can’t if you don’t engage.

Yikes. You’ve got One of Those.

She’s in the early stages of senility so she’s compos enough to be a nightmare 24/7 but not with it enough to be reasonable. Sound familiar?

In many ways this is the worst bit. You’ll have to ask SS to do an intervention. That’s the only eldercare crisis that helps.

Stress to them that a) you aren’t her carers and can’t be b) her mental capacity is doubtful eg abuse and self neglect c) that she will present as charming and coherent. Mention her size - she might need two people and a hoist to clean her, for instance. They need to cost that.

Buy a new mobile, give her that number and only turn it on three hours a day.

Other stuff: she’s only going to get worse. Bad behaviour, unreasonableness, pulling a shrieking crisis every 15 minutes, selfish, cruel. That’s dementia.

Get some support - she’s only 80, you could have 15 years of this. Carers’ assn locally should be great. Cheer yourself up by thinking of the time (not soon enough) she’ll be moved to a care home.

Lovely! I have good memories too - the smell of the polish, setting up "house" under the gate leg table with with all its legs, the quietness, the Victorian flower vases on the shiny top of the sideboard. And I still have the red suede bunny.

I’d be allowed to play in the front room, with the brass ornaments from the mantelpiece

How strange @MereDintofPandiculation thats what I used to do! I still have some quiet, happy memories of visiting my GM, being on my own in the living room and passing the time by playing and rearranging various tiny brass ornaments, while my grandmother was doing stuff in the kitchen.

@PumkinPlaytime Observing how my peers (I’m nearly 50) treat their parents and how our children treat us, I’m trying to find a balance between being a demanding elder and being “too nice”!

My Dad is demanding to an unpleasant extent (sounds similar to your Mum) but then some parents of are so undemanding that their children don’t bother or even consider them much. I’ve seen this among my age group and among our children. Expecting some consideration and respectful behavior from our adult children isn’t a bad thing at all.

It sounds as if your son didn’t make an effort on Mother’s Day? There’s nothing wrong with telling him that you’re disappointed and that you expect better. Years ago, I was living abroad and genuinely forgot about Mother’s Day in the UK-my Mum gave me an ear bashing! We had a good relationship, she just expected a card and a phone call on that day.

I think it is era quite a bit, although personality plays a part. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s with elderly relatives very revered, you visited them, and took them out for treats and showered them with attention. It was pretty miserable as a child as they mostly weren't very nice and it wasn't at all child-centred. Yes, I was brought up 20 years before that. We went over to see my grandparents every Sunday. The adults would talk in the kitchen, and I’d be allowed to play in the front room, with the brass ornaments from the mantelpiece (a couple of crinolined ladies) and a little red suede rabbit. Luckily I was an inventive child and never bored.

Of course,it was less likely to watch an elderly grandparent’s decline into dementia. Both these grandparents died of heart disease in their 70s while still absolutely sound of mind. We’re facing quite different problems of ageing.

I think it is era quite a bit, although personality plays a part. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s with elderly relatives very revered, you visited them, and took them out for treats and showered them with attention. It was pretty miserable as a child as they mostly weren't very nice and it wasn't at all child-centred.

My DM still acts like this should be the default but now I think it's got a lot more to do with making an effort at relationships, spending time doing things everyone can enjoy rather
than assuming the relationship will be there.

My DD is much closer to some elderly people who live nearby or who we see at church because they make an effort to interact and get to know her, then it's reciprocated. She barely knows her own grandmother.