Conflicted about trip with elderly parents

You should prioritise your immediate family - you're not being selfish at all to say no.

They are only mid-70's - there could be years left and other times to meet. It doesn't suit this year with your leave so maybe another time.

Don't see the point of making you go if you don't want to just to appease them and their guilt tripping. As you say you feel no connection to these people.

God forbid someone prioritise their own wife and kids!

I mean, what a strange thing for the OP's parents to say?!
It's like...well, yeah.

I don’t think you are being selfish. You have your own life and limited annual leave . Spending time travelling to meet distant relatives is not your priority and nor should it be. I can’t see that these people will remain in your life.

You could FaceTime when your parents visit or equally they could visit the Uk.

You could argue that the parents are selfish putting there own desires above those of OP and her partner. I would not be going.

Yep I see the selfishness. This trip is for your parents to share something they love. It’s a last chance for THEM! It’s not about the distant relatives.

go on a trip with your family and parents! Take a personal day off something unforeseen comes up - typically illness based anyway.

I tend to feel family are important because they’ll still be family all your life, whereas friends can drift away. But even if you dont think that, this trip is clearly important to your parents, so important that they’re prepared to pay for you, so I’d be inclined to make it so that you can go for at least some of the time.

You're parents aren't demanding, they made a preference known. They'll help with the cost, which you are reluctant to prioritise. You could go for a weekend, as you won't give them your holiday that's left. Your dad has dementia. I repeat. Your dad has dementia.

This is not about a huge sacrifice your nuclear family are making for you to go. This is a few hundred for a weekend that means a lot to your parents. And brother. There's no emotional blackmail. They are not being selfish and demanding. You are being extraordinarily selfish and self-centred towards your parents. I can only assume you don't like them much and want revenge.

I think people here are getting really distracted by the purpose of the trip to visit distant relatives and are commenting on whether or not they think that's something they'd like to do or think is good to do. But if you take a step back and look at it as elderly parents who OP presumably is fond of and gets on well with, who aren't in general demanding people, saying they would really like a weekend abroad with their children while they're still able, I really don't think it seems that unreasonable as an ask. Plenty of people do take their parents away on short trips if able, I did, not always to places I'd have chosen myself or to do activities that I especially liked but the purpose was to support them and make them happy not as a holiday/treat for me.

Of course if you genuinely can't afford it then you can't go but from the sounds of things that's not the case, you'd just prefer to spend the money on something that suits you better like taking them out for a meal? I know £250 is really not nothing and would be genuinely out of reach for some but from the sounds of things that's not the case and it won't mean OP and family miss out on trips away as a couple or family this year. £250 is really quite cheap for a weekend away as well, taking them somewhere in the UK just for a night would probably end up costing that much so it's a bargain really. And as for the time, if holidays are a problem just go on Friday after work and come back Sunday evening, the Netherlands are really close, it's not like they're asking you to schlep to Timbuktu, tbh if it was a cottage trip in the UK or a spa break or other more MN-approved activity with an equivalent length of drive I think people would be saying that's fine, it's just the fact of its being abroad that's skewing perceptions. If anything I'd say keeping it to a short trip is good, a little of a good thing usually goes a long way in whole family trips I find.

TLDR it's up to you of course but I'd go, view it as you're making a gift of your time to your parents, that's what's most precious after all more than material things. I wouldn't go with the expectation you'll have a wonderful time yourself, it'll probably be a tad tedious but you're a big boy/girl, you can suck it up for one weekend surely?

Came on to say pretty much exactly this.

You mention you would prefer to spend the money taking them out here and that you feel it’s not worth the money to spend 36 hours there. That seems to me like you do have the money, you just don’t see this as a good way to spend it, but they do. So if it’s about making them happy, this makes a lot more sense than a meal out.

I wouldn’t take extra time off or take the family, but a quick weekend back and forth just you, I would.

And IME although you spend a lot of time with them, doing so in a different context, just you and your brother, that can make for some special memories.

I wouldn't go and I would make rational responses about lack of holiday leave etc as others have suggested.
I discovered distant cousins in 3 countries when I did my family history and it's very tempting to get excited and want to spread it out amongst wider family. My experience though was that no one else was ever really interested either abroad or here. People have family and friends and limited time and those who do family history are often obsessed for their own reasons!! 🙂
I have limited contact with one discovered first cousin and that's fine. Sometimes families become disconnected for reasons that may well be family secrets.
Live your own life and don't be black mailed by your parents.

I think in this situation I would try to go with them by myself.

If they're doubting that they'll be able to do the trip to the Netherlands again then its unlikely they'll be holidaying further afield, so this will probably be the last time they'll ever go abroad.

And they want to share one last family trip with their children doing something that has become special to them.

I mean, if they were demanding parents week in week out then it may be different, but sounds like you all get on fairly well? So I would suck up the cost.

I would not go and besides which it is not my job to make my parents happy; that is their own responsibility. Do not give in to any and all emotional blackmail your parents may spring upon you.

If you are inclined to try to make it work, Could you minimise the cost further by going for the weekend only, and sharing a room with your brother?

Personally, I don't think you should go if you don't want to. I think you may have made an error in telling them you'd rather do x y z - it just gives something to argue and persuade against. I think, if you do decide to not go, then 'I don't have any annual leave left, I can't take time off work' 'we can't afford it' 'it's not possible, unfortunately' needs to be the position you take.

I think it's unfair for your parents to say you are prioritising your family over them. You have already booked these trips, you can't just find extra annual leave or money for these things. It seems this family connection is important to your parents, but that is no reason these distant relatives should be important to you.

Your DPs sound very tiresome and no, you're not selfish. Your reasons for not wanting to go are perfectly valid. I find it absolutely bizarre that they feel entitled to insist that you use some of your valuable days off for this trip to see people who are very distant relatives and nothing to do with you.

But what would I do? Since your DPs are giving you a hard time and will clearly not just let it go, I'd take them up on their offer of paying for you to go and I'd keep the trip as short as possible! Then they can't say you didn't go. Job done. And hopefully you won't lose any holiday days or much money.

You seem quite stuck on the cost. £250-275 isn't a huge amount for a foreign trip albeit a short one. If your DPs are prepared to pay for it then it's one weekend and I would go because it does seem very important to them.

Could you go in the summer and have this as part of your summer holiday?

I'd be happy to set aside a few days of a longer break, especially as I'd love to go to the Netherlands. I would not agree to my whole family holiday being with my parents though.

I definitely wouldn't go and just say you've been declined leave / haven't got the leave

Do your DPs have work pensions as well as state ones ?

If so I would take them up on their offer to pay for some of it and go on your own.

Hmmm mid 70s isn’t that old. What happens at Christmas if you want to do something else - will it be their last chance… or next year’s holiday, or the next…
If you can’t go, you can’t go. Is emotional blackmail something they do a lot or is it new?

We are late sixties/ early Seventies although in good health and quite fit. I think your parents are being incredibly selfish. Have they expected you to do things like this before?
We would never ever expect our children to put us before their own spouses and young families. Your parents have made this trip before. Maybe they need to accept they won’t be doing it again.

Could you arrange to just drive or fly over with them for a weekend trip, plus a day or two if possible? They could then do a longer visit with your brother.

Your kids would get to experience a different culture with distant family and extended family. This is a memory they will have for the rest of their lives. I would make the effort.

If you don’t have dual nationality any chance you can get it from this branch of your family tree?

Do your parents often ask you for things? Do they shall their wishes or are they often demanding?

If this was my husband, I would be encouraging him to go with out his family. I agree that it's not about the random relatives at all. It's about quality time spent with his parents, making his parents happy, and facilitating/prioritising time for the extended family.