I didn't realise how difficult this would be

Love the thinking @MereDintofPandiculation

I love this. I totally get this!

Could you slowly start sticking pieces of paper where the clanger hits the bell, so that over the course of a month it slowly gets quieter and quieter until it's muffled completely?

Why does she have a bell on her zimmer ?

As the old saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

With the very best will in the world, caring for someone 24/7 and 365 days a year is an enormous ask. She might not want to go into a home, and might expect you to look after her, but she cannot demand it, nor can she force you to do it.

If you can no longer cope, then you cannot cope and that's that.

Have you had people round to do a care needs assessment?

I always think I would find it easier to care for an elderly stranger rather than someone I know. I hope you can sort out a care home for your mum.

@MereDintofPandiculation it was a lifeline. The only reason I am quiet at the moment is because my laptop is off being mended!

“She was always so appreciative! Never a moment’s trouble…”

I don’t know how she’d react if you push back. In my mum’s case it isn’t worth it, it doesn’t work. I know a few people though who don’t respect people who put up with their crap and behave better when challenged on it.

I can vouch for how difficult it was for @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere - she spent a lot of time in the Cockroach Cafe

She doesn't see why she should go into a home/respite as we looked after "his mother" Oh, I can feel for her! Feeling your own child loves her partner’s family more than her own. But you’ve given all the reasons why the situation was different. You can’t give up your own life and health. You need to help her, as kindly as possible, move somewhere where the support is better.

My parents lived in our granny annex. Mum was disabled through osteoarthritis and I helped dad with her care - I would take her shopping, my daughter would clean for her, I cooked their main meal every day. Then over the course of a few months dad became unwell and died. I took over everything that he had done - taking her breakfast in bed every morning, keeping her company, putting her to bed

Eventually in 2020 just before lockdown we had a care package which meant I no longer had to get her up in the morning or put her to bed but by the beginning of 2022 I was aware it was getting harder and harder to care for her. I could no longer leave the house if there was no one with her. She needed me every hour - a drink, the tv wouldn't work, the phone wasn't working, she needed the toilet. Then she had a fall and thanks to the amazing carer that came that morning she went into hospital. Whereupon I had a breakdown and had a night in A&E with amnesia!

From the hospital she went into a rehab unit to try and increase her mobility so that she could get from the bed to the toilet unaccompanied but it became apparent then that she had dementia. I was advised by the discharge nurse and the social worker that she required 24 hour care and she should be in a care home. It was so hard. She asked me why I was shoving her in a home and I kept repeating that it wasn't my choice. I hadn't asked for it. It was what the experts said was best for her "for the time being". That was over 2 years ago and now she is completely immobile, unable to use her arms and hands, very little language, doubly incontinent and only eating a pureed diet.

Please start thinking about extra support, whatever that might be - a care package or a care home. I think mum probably went in to the home about 6 months before it would have been impossible at home but there was no crisis and time to plan.

I think it basically means that you have been trained from a young age to fear disobeying her, and to feel intolerably guilty if you don't comply with herdemands, however unreasonable/selfish they are .

"..the constant put downs" So she's still abusing you then.

If you haven't read about the "FOG" then stronly recommend you find out. Not really got personal experience of this but a lot of Mumsnetters do

But with your MIL you were 14 years younger.

There was a sort of unspoken expectation in my family that I would take on the care for my mum. She was an alcoholic, spiteful mother. I resented the assumption that I would sacrifice my life to become a full time slave in my 50/60's. I moved abroad, I wasn't giving up my lovely husband, home, dogs, career or sanity. She passed recently and I have zero regret. I salute anyone who has parents live with them, you deserve a medal and far more recognition than you get.

A loving mother wouldn't demand this of you. I gently suggest that you have only limited obligation to the non-loving mother it sounds like you have.

Protect her from harm - by all means. Destroy your life and health for her? Would you want your kids to do that for you? Very much doubt it. QED.

Sorry, I misread and thought your mother also had dementia. But my advice still stands - she can't dictate to you that you keep caring for her, that's not fair.
If she is compos mentis maybe it's harder as she will guilt you, but you have to look after yourself.

I'm sorry OP but you have to protect yourself here. You have done your best with her, but the time has come to make some decisions.

I helped my mum to care for my dad for a few years at home, and it was awful - I think I'm still traumatised from it. We didn't realise the toll it was taking until we couldn't cope anymore. It was hard emotionally to put him into a nursing home, and he did struggle to settle in, but we were just at breaking point.

People who don't care for someone with dementia have no idea how hard it is. Like a previous poster has said, they think it's just a bening little old lady in a rocking chair etc. The reality was him getting violent, being incontinent - having to clean piss and shit off the floor because he wouldn't stay on the toilet. Having to cajole him into the bath, him getting up at all hours and having hallucinations about people coming for him etc. I could go on...

And I had a great relationship with my dad, I can't image how difficult it would have been had our relationship been strained to start with.

@Harrriet why cant you put her in a home???

OP you need to seek help.

Why can't you put her in a home? you did your best for 15 months and you can't carry on putting your now mental and physical health at risk.

Indeed, you always see threads where people are guilt-trip into caring for elderly relatives at home but the harsh reality is that for many it ends up being impossible to sustain and destroys the life of the person who is doing the caring.

Also OP who is going to look after your financial situation if you have given up work to look after her? you also need to think about your own retirement.