I should start by saying we have always had a toxic and distant relationship, and this is obviously relevant. She’s 88 and fairly healthy for her age but can’t go out so easily now.
I speak to her on the phone about twice a week and do her various admin etc. She always starts with a stupid dig “where have you been?” or “hello stranger”, or “I thought you’d left the country”: of course puts my back up straight away. Then there’s usually a list of her demands and some chat. I don’t tell her much about my life. However, I often feel down/bad/annoyed afterwards, occasionally for the rest of the day.
I also see her about once a month for a full day and evening. That is sometimes easier somehow. But I hate the phone calls and I think she may be even beginning to notice that as it’s getting harder to hide (though I put on as good an act as I can).
Do I need even stronger, clearer boundaries than I have already?
I wondered if other people had any experience of this kind of dynamic and/or suggestions as to any changes I might make, something that worked for them. Or maybe a way I could reframe it?