Hate talking to mother on the phone

I would call my mother and say “Hi, it’s me” and she would say “Who?”

She died about 18 months ago. I found in a large box in her bedroom every letter I had written her, all my school photos, things I had drawn or made - stuff she had told me she had “chucked out years ago.” I felt I was grieving for the mother I should have had. But now, I don’t really feel anything as she was just so unpleasant to me.

Mine puts the phone down on me if I say something she disagrees with or fail to take her point of view on something. She then rings straight back(!). And goes straight onto a different topic.

Sometimes, to make a change from grey rock, I see how many times I can get her to do this during one phone conversation!

I would be tempted to discombobulate right back.
' I thought you'd left the country... 'yes mum, I have, and I'm considering staying away'

'I thought something had happened to you' ' yes mum, something has happened '

My DM isn’t elderly but has always been like this. No interest in my life unless it is something she can criticise. I’ve gone on to reach my goals and dreams and she’s never once said well done (actually feigns illness or uses the excuse of needing the toilet to go off the phone)
so my boundaries are built now

it’s very common among my group of friends when you actually open up about it. It’s sad too as I am not kind now when I am with her. The left my guilt ridden but now I block my ears, ring less, go home less and then my siblings (male) criticise me for not being as involved so I see them less too

Hi there, it's really tough isn't it. I have this relationship with my father, and we mainly just email now. It's easier.

I play Solitaire on my phone during this sort of phone call! It means that I'm only half concentrating and it doesn't really bug me as much. I've also made a list of the complaints I think I'm going to get and tick them off as they arrive.

I feel your pain.

I make sure I have something to distract me - maybe sitting in front of the PC doing something which only needs a mouse and minimal typing, sorting out admin or browsing for clothes etc.

Phoning twice a week is a LOT. Is that really necessary for practical purposes? Once a week is more than enough. I've managed to gradually cut mine down to once a month or so, or even less. Irregularity is key, in my opinion - if there are no set days and times for calls then she has less expectation and you feel less obligation. Yes, you get the snidey "hello stranger" comments etc, but you are getting those ANYWAY. So what do you have to lose? (It's worth remembering that the phone lines also work in both directions. What is stopping her from calling you if she wants to talk to you or needs help with something? Clearly she's not that bothered if she didn't pick up the phone.)

Also I'm sure you've heard of grey rock technique - it works very well on the phone.

Mine is like this. I do not phone more than once a week, and I miss that call if something else comes up with work so I'm not available in the evening. I do deeply resent that time on the phone because I have very little free time with a demanding job and young child though! But the grey rock technique is useful - keep any details about yourself vague (mine isn't interested anyway, she only wants details to use as ammunition).

She then recites a list of what the neighbours have been doing (I've never met them and couldn't care less!), this usually includes comments on how their daughters visit weekly, then moves on to people she's seen and what they said about such and such, any drama with friends and medical appointments/hospitals, then she can't understand why I haven't seen a tv programme she's talking about (I barely watch tv due to lack of time!). I do something else at the same time whilst she drones on.

I've limited visits to a handful of times a year but we're several hours away which makes that easier.

I have techniques... Only doing phonecalls when I'm busy in the background to take the edge off the misery (dog walking or cleaning up etc). Grey rock technique, just not rising to it and being so grey and vague that they can't get their hooks in. Leaving it incrementally longer between calls each time, and being vague about why. Not discussing personal things.

And getting therapy! Accepting that I am an adult with my own life, and not the default teen she tries to address me as. Her opinions are not fact. Neutrally pointing out that I won't be manipulated by silent treatment or emotional outbursts (although tbf I don't even need to justify it and I gain nothing from doing this other than hearing my new boundaries out loud, she doesn't respond well to it..)

Best of luck with your situation 💐

No route is easy.

Is there a reason why you've not gone no contact @DoveGreys ?

Message understood.

When she pulls the 'oh where have you been' or 'I thought you'd left the country' play along. 'oh yes mum, I popped over to Paris for the weekend, had dinner with Macron, but thought I'd better get back to speak to you'
If she tries the 'Hello Stranger', feign concern, 'Hello Mum, are you OK? It's me Janet, has something happened?

Agree, I think I misunderstood @MereDintofPandiculation as having a mother in the second camp😔

@MereDintofPandiculation there’s age and bereavement related sadness and understandable responses to those - and then there’s mothers who have always made their daughters feel like shit. Conflating the two isn’t helpful to those of us in the second camp who carry more than enough guilt and have been looking for reasons/excuses for why our mothers’ don’t like us our whole lives.

Only talk to her on the telephone for as long as you can stand on one leg was the advice given to me 😂

I can't believe how many mothers out there are like this! It's difficult being a mother of adult children. Your children are still the most important people in the world to you, just as they have been ever since they were born. But you are a long way down their order, behind partner, their children, their friends, probably behind their pets.

Then getting old there are an increasing number of things that you can no longer do. Climbing a ladder to change a light bulb, get a box out of the loft, move a piece of furniture from downstairs to upstairs, decide whether it's safer to carry a card with you or to store it on your phone for apple pay. Persuade your arthritic fingers to type in passwords before you get timed out. And you can't call in tradespeople for most of these!

If you've lost your own partner, you've also lost all the brief discussions you had about decisions. A program about scams today was saying "talk to someone in real life - someone who's not involved may spot the suspicious signs" - but with no partner, who is there to ask?

So even the most caring parent can end up being a blooming nuisance in old age.

👏🤣 I can't believe how many mothers out there are like this!
I finally put in boundaries/said no to her for the first time in nearly 60 years as she was making me ill with her constant demands, she fell out with me.................I think she thought she was punishing me with the silent treatment (for standing up for myself🤷‍♀️) or I'd let her get away with her appalling behaviour and come running around, it back fired on her as I was waiting for an apology which she was incapable of giving. I've now had a few years of peace and stress free.

The phone ringing used to make me feel physically sick/shake, I've had to change ringtone but still have a physical reaction to it if I'm out and about and somebody has that ringtone.

Look after yourself and read some of the stately home threads, that's what helped me stand up for myself 🌻

Try to switch modes, so you’re not dealing with your mother, you’re dealing with a woman you happen to look after. Try to observe her as if you’re observing a scientific experiment. “I was two days late ringing her and today she made 17 nasty comments instead of the usual 12. What happens if I ring 3 days late?”

Or telephone bingo - 1 point for “hello stranger” etc, 1 point for each demand, bonus point if she finds a new way of saying “you don’t phone me enough”. Have a stash of favourite treats for when you get a high score. Try not to make an audible cry of joy when you hit the target

I used to only be able to speak too my mum if I was feeling robust enough. Any information I will give her would be used against me in some way, so the dynamic was largely her talking (bitching) and me asking some vague questions. It was a successful call if I got away with no digs from her.

she has got a LOT better since I got married. I think when I was single she felt she had carte Blanche to just be totally horrible, but now I have a DH, I am not considered fair game. She even managed the whole festive period without commenting on my weight. Which is astonishing.

All I can say is…. There are others out there that have the same situation and feel your pain! Put yourself first, keep contact to only when you are robust enough.