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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum’s dementia and dad’s reluctance with so much.

64 replies

Picklemeyellow · 10/01/2024 20:45

I am so frustrated and feel as though I am going round in circles these days.

My mum (80) has Alzheimer’s and lives with my dad (82). I go round to theirs at least 4-5 days a week.

I 100% appreciate what my dad has to go through as he is living with this 24/7 but he is becoming so cantankerous, digs his heels in with any suggests we make on how to help and simply resents spending any money to help my mum (even though they have lots of savings).

Mum gets AA and this covers her carer who comes in for an hour each morning to wash and dress mum (took a year to persuade dad to allow us to get a carer in) and the rest goes towards her weekly day centre trip. Anything else will require funding from her pension and savings.

It took several years to convince him to allow mum to go to a day centre, it’s £60 for 3 hours on a Wednesday afternoon with a hot cooked, two course lunch included. And although mum always moans when it’s time to go there (as she believes every week is the first time), when she gets there she loves it. I usually collect her and she is laughing and smiling when I go in and get her, all the staff are so kind and friendly, the other dementia suffers all have smiles on their faces too. There is always music playing and it has a really joyful atmosphere. Most people go there several times a week.

I would love for mum to go another afternoon, not only for her benefit but for dad’s too as he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but he just will not allow it. He doesn’t feel the place benefits her (I really really does benefit her) but the real truth is that he believes these places should be free as they are old age pensions (forgetting of course they have ££££££’s in the bank 🙄).

When at home, mum just sits on the sofa with a big box of chocolate biscuits and snoozes on/off all day. She ends up depressed and disoriented. She can not occupy herself these day and it’s easier for dad to let her sleep then he can get on with bits in the garden and shed. I just can not get through to him that this is so detrimental to her health (physically, emotionally and mentally).

I feel like banging my head against the wall. This is driving me insane and the most frustrating thing about it all is the fact that most of ’their’ invested money is actually my mum’s inheritance from her parents.

I truly hate to see my mum suffering with this god awful disease but it’s even worse seeing her wasting away on the sofa when there are places she can go which actively help her. I am seriously thinking of getting SS or an Admiral nurse in to try and educate him on the importance of mental stimulation for dementia suffers.

How do you get through to such a pig headed old man? And my dsis is no help, she has just warned me to no push dad as he’ll ‘get the jump’ ffs!

OP posts:
NoBinturongsHereMate · 11/01/2024 08:31

You say you usually collect her from the day centre. Does your dad ever do it, so he can see the difference in her there?

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 11/01/2024 08:29

MontyDonsBlueScarf I totally understand the fear my dad has about the money.
One of his main anxieties over it all is when mum needs to go into care, he worries there won’t be enough money left and they won’t have a choice of care homes and mum will be places anywhere (I and the lady at SS have explained to him this won’t happen but he won’t believe anyone).

And whilst I can understand where his fears lie, I feel that it can not be at the detriment of my mums welfare and wellbeing in the here and now. I can not stand the thought of her sitting on the sofa, slowly ebbing away with little metal stimulation when there are places she can go which help her. I would understand if they had little money but fact they have enough in their finances (and then some) to cover this is irritating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 11/01/2024 08:19

Thethingswedoforlove I am so sorry you are affected by this awful disease too, it’s just beyond draining isn’t it?

2024GarlicCloves I don’t think it would help tbh, he’s quite stubborn with everyone.

countrygirl99 we did have a SS assessment about a year ago and they weren’t overly helpful once they had established that mum and dad have quite a lot of savings but we do have a local lunch club in our village. I have tried to persuade mum and dad to go along and dad wouldn’t hear of it but maybe the career could take mum along and I could pick her up afterwards, thanks that may work.

Missingmyusername my dsis won’t have this as she says we can’t ‘make’ dad spend his money but I keep saying to her that it feels like financial control especially as much of their savings was mums inheritance.

rwalker For various reasons, having mum at mine at the weekends wouldn’t work.

tokesqueen I truly do not understand either.

RachelSTG I don’t have the money to pay right now. There are no guarantees I will inherit any money. If my mum goes into care at anytime and lives for years there will be nothing left, I’ve seen this happen quite a lot recently. I never and will never expect any inheritance.

Mindymomo I don’t have the money to pay.

OP posts:
MontyDonsBlueScarf · 11/01/2024 08:12

When you've spent your whole life putting something aside for the future/a rainy day, it's really hard to change overnight and start spending. Particularly when it means facing up to the possibility that the rainy day has come.

Two things that helped me:

Someone gently asked me when I thought it was going to rain harder than it is now

I mentally reallocated money for holidays and outings that I was used to spending but wasn't spending now.

I still have to have a word with myself from time to time to remind myself that saving obsessively was a good strategy once but it's not the best choice for my life now.

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 11/01/2024 07:55

ReetPetity · 11/01/2024 04:49

I recognise so much of what you are talking about. My Mum had dementia and my Dad found it difficult to accept outside help because he was both worried about the ongoing cost (but like your Dad didn’t really need to) and he was really resistant to having strangers in his house.

It was exacerbated by him being so tired he couldn’t imagine any small changes having any kind of positive impact. When he did agree to them, he obviously realised they did, but it was slow going.

It’s such a hard place to be in for the whole family. All you can do is continue to advocate for her and support your Dad. My Dad was managing the best he could in very difficult circumstances and now time has passed I can see that much more clearly.

It is just such a difficult times, I totally agree.
I am really struggling to know how to help. Between my sister and I my parents we go round and help every day.
Dad must be so tired physically and mentally. It’s hard enough for me dealing with this at 50, it must be a million times worse for a 82 year old.
I hate this disease so much, it is affecting every member of our family in one way or other.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 11/01/2024 07:36

Could you offer to pay for another session and see if your DF may then see it will help him. I’ve a friend whose DF goes to a centre 3 days a week, as she cannot cope with him at home everyday, it takes all their spare money as she can only work part time. Maybe a visit from Age UK would help to persuade him. I also have a family member who looks after his wife with dementia, he’s basically very stubborn and thinks he can do it all, she’s now in hospital and he now realises he can’t do it all, she has carers come in weekday mornings, which cost £500 per month, but his family have told him clearly they won’t help anymore unless he gets more help. He basically just puts his head in the sand and feels the same that care shouldn’t have to be paid for.

RachelSTG · 11/01/2024 07:16

Could you not tell your Dad she received a funded place and you pay £60 for an extra day? You are likely to inherit the money back as from what you have posted they will be leaving you an inheritance.

tokesqueen · 11/01/2024 06:41

FIL has stage 4 cancer. MiL very bad osteoporosis. They sit on hundreds of thousands of pounds yet won't pay for a carer to help them bath once a week or with anything else. Full non means tested AA too!
MIL would love it. FIL says they don't need help. So resigned at the end of their lives to struggling with a daily strip wash and sat looking at each other all day.
I will never understand.

rwalker · 11/01/2024 06:17

my dad had dementia
my mums life was completely miserable
it’s basically it till one of them dies and your mum will only get worse
there money is the only bit of security they have they have absolutely no way of replacing any money and genuinely fear ending up penny less

yes it could be better but she has carers coming in goes to a day centre once a week

Why don’t have her at yours at weekend

Missingmyusername · 11/01/2024 05:28

It’s financial abuse. Report it to social services - sensitively as you don’t want to upset your dad.

countrygirl99 · 11/01/2024 05:26

Get a social services assessment - you are entitled to one even if they are self funding. That helped point to stuff we wouldn't have found by ourselves ( also an hour away). E.g. Mum goes to a church run lunch club for the elderly the social worker told us about. She's picked up and dropped off, it's about 3 hours with an activity after the lunch and it's only £4. If there is something like that your dad might be more keen and he could go along as well if he wanted.

2024GarlicCloves · 11/01/2024 05:10

I really hate to suggest this - but would it help to get A Man to tell him? Preferably one with an air of authority.

Thethingswedoforlove · 11/01/2024 05:04

I recognise so much of what has been said here. Dad and I are constantly at loggerheads as he is so negative and drained by it all yet won’t accept any help. Mum spends her whole life on the sofa and it is not doing her any good. Yet he moans she is deteriorating. It’s so so hard. Especially with a busy job and parenting teeens and living an hour away. I’m doing what I can but goodness it is such hard work.

ReetPetity · 11/01/2024 04:49

I recognise so much of what you are talking about. My Mum had dementia and my Dad found it difficult to accept outside help because he was both worried about the ongoing cost (but like your Dad didn’t really need to) and he was really resistant to having strangers in his house.

It was exacerbated by him being so tired he couldn’t imagine any small changes having any kind of positive impact. When he did agree to them, he obviously realised they did, but it was slow going.

It’s such a hard place to be in for the whole family. All you can do is continue to advocate for her and support your Dad. My Dad was managing the best he could in very difficult circumstances and now time has passed I can see that much more clearly.

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