Mum’s dementia and dad’s reluctance with so much.

My DF will disregard my suggestions but will do exactly what my DB thinks is best, without a murmur.

It is a shame he can't get CA. and a pity he won't try a local golf club as the exercise, company and enjoyment even once a week would be so good for him. It doesn't seem likely that he would be prepared to pay for someone to come in and sit with your mum on the morning she's at the club so he could get the time needed. You must be at your wits end. You do need to look after yourself as well. Remember the airline advice. Put your own mask on before helping others. Take care .

No, they can't get it. The person cared for maybe entitled to attendance allowance

I don't think carers allowance is available to people over state pension age.

I feel for all of you in this situation. The person in the home 24/7 with someone suffering from dementia has an awful time and if he doesn't accept what help us available he could suffer a mental breakdown himself.
It shows he cares that he wants enough money available to give your mum a choice of good care homes later but obviously they both need more help now as well. When you talk to him I would try to show that you understand where he is coming from whilst emphasizing that he needs a balance with more care now.
If you could get him to go out for a break himself while your mother is at the club he might be able to see how another day could also benefit him as well
You mention AA. Does he know he could also get carers allowance. It isn't a lot but would pay for a second day at the club.
If he doesn't have a cleaner I would encourage this as well.
Has he lost touch with the outside world himself a bit with caring for your mum? I mean does he still have friends? Could he go out to lunch or cinema or something while your mother is out. Preferably with someone but even on his own is a break from the relentless sadness of it all.
I think you will need to have a think, maybe with your sister, about how much you can both do and make a decision not to go beyond that. Hard to do I know. My mother is 92 and still loves ves at home. She is active for her age and has all her mental facilities but is getting frailer these days. I have her over for Sunday lunch, do washing, shopping and go to all appointments. Not really onerous for this stage of her life. But she is a very social person and when she can't get out of has visitors I feel the pull to fill the gap and have had to make some decisions about how far I am prepared to give up my time. I have a grown up daughter whose teens are going through difficulties so I give a lot of emotional support there. DH and I are lucky enough to be in good health so I want to spend time enjoying holidays ext and seeing my own friends. In my head I know how far I'm prepared to go with mum's care but don't know how good I'll be at sticking to the plan I have when things inevitably got up. Good luck Op. Think about carers allowance if he doesn't get that. It is paid to the carer but you could stress that using it for mum's club would be of huge benefit to him as well. 💐

Is he after the money @Rainypups76 ? I can understand why parents want to go without for the benefit of their children but that doesn't seem it would be the case for your DM

Another one here, Dm rapidly declining and won't spend anything on the care and help. She has plenty of money. Her loudmouthed twat of a "partner" / companion picks holes and makes her mistrustful of us, her own children, and every solution we provide, constantly moans about having no time to himself but is actively blocking care arrangements that would give him more time. It's infuriating and my sibling's and my own mental health and work is suffering but they can't see beyond their own selfishness and egos. I excuse DM because of her condition but I wish the partner would get lost.

@Picklemeyellow i think we are in very similar situations although my mum still has seems to have all her faculties just is paralysed and can't speak. I also have a 14yo and a full time job plus an hour round trip to DPS. And it's having a bad effect on my relationship with Dh as I'm always stressed, feel put upon by everyone's needs and angry/resentful at anyone trying to impose on my limited unaccounted for time. We are caring twins !

We had this with late grandpa,still living at home at 94, lots of £, lived like a pauper. Died and hadn't gotten any joy from his hoarded money.
Be blunt with your dad, at 82 he might not have a lot of days left to enjoy and the savings are for a rainy day? well it's bloody pouring and he needs to support his wife and her health.
No pockets in a shroud!

Immediate care needs annuity. Yes, you can - but at the point of them going into care, not beforehand.

It used to be possible to use savings to buy an annuity that would pay care home costs. I don't know whether that's still the case but it might be worth exploring.

I feel for you op as l have both parents with Dementia mum much more advanced than dad...
I tip toed around my lovely but stubborn dad for a couple of years, but things were deteriorating, l could barely cope, and the crunch came when my DD was diagnosed with a chronic illness ...it was a lightbulb moment...l had spent much of my time and mental space worrying about two almost 90 year olds and not enough looking after my DD..I was BLUNT.

I sat my dad down and told him half of their savings were mums and she needed them NOW, l was not willing to twice weekly listen to a long long debate with him about how to manage...yet nothing changing, as l had his GD to worry about who desperately needed my time and attention, (alongside her brother and work)
I already did all admin, food shopping, organising of every aspect of their lives and had done for a decade.
He became much more accepting of the facts, and over the last two years my DM has had a full time carer, yes they have blown all their savings, but he has been free between 9-5, 5 days a week and my mum kept busy, stimulated and out of a care home, (they live in an annex of my house)
My advice be blunt, tell your father this is not acceptable and you mum is entitled to half this money and needs it now, and you will exercise the POA if need be.
Your mum needs to go to the Centre 5 days a week to slow further decline, even if by taxi.
good luck

I suspect that the OP, like me, gets very pissed off with listening to her DF complaining he never has any time to himself when he refuses to take steps to make his own situation better or when he has the opportunity to take time refuses to do so.
my dad has plenty of time available to him. He won't relinquish control of mum, he can't barely stop fussing over her for 2 minutes. It gets exceedingly annoying, especially as the person sacrificing your own time, to listen to them moaning about nobody helping them.

I hear you.
Won't countenance any outside help except offspring. Cost is used as a barrier, as is not wanting people in the house or anything else that avoids engaging with the issue.
Caught between a rock and a hard place - you want to help (whether through love or duty) but he insists it has to be on his terms.
Totally get why you feel his suggestion of you doing it all is not acceptable to you. Add you DSis in the mix and no one is happy!

Mine is very authoritative (policeman) but dad won't listen to him either.

I don't think you can tell your father how to manage his money, or how much care or how many day centre visits to pay for. He may genuinely feel that the distress your mother experiences when she is picked up outweighs the benefits of going. Also, while it is upsetting to you to think of your mother just sitting on the sofa doing nothing all day, and you would feel better (as would I) if she were out being managed into an appearance of more normality, one extra afternoon a week is unlikely to make a huge difference to her quality of life.

But what you can do is limit your availability and make absolutely clear to your father that he can afford appropriate support (assuming you are correct about this), and if he agrees you will help him find it, vet the provider and put it in place. If he chooses not to do so, you will not make up the shortfall. Your sister is correct in my view - don't bang your head against a brick wall here.

It's so difficult OP. My parents are so similar. Very set in their ways. So stubbon. So reluctant to face up to things and bury their heads in the sand.
Whilst I don't have much practical advice, I just wanted to say you're not alone and I feel your pain and frustration.

Sometimes I think you have to just keep on at them and keep on pointing out the benefits. If your mum is getting benefits from the day centre (which it sounds like she is) then keep reminding your dad of that. If they're not doing much at home and they have savings then £60 a week extra is nothing.
But I know it's hard as my parents are the same with money. They've got savings but are so reluctant to use them. Even though it would benefit them.

he worries there won’t be enough money left and they won’t have a choice of care homes and mum will be places anywhere Explain to him that the more she declines now, the more expensive a care home will be? Or get her into a care home sooner - it sounds as if she’d have more activity in a home?

Have you tried the local branch of the AD society? They often have free groups like singing for your brain although they usually do require a carer to go too rather than drop and leave. They also have dementia advisers who can support patients and carers

Another suggestion is that the GPs often have 'social prescribers' these days whose role is to look into opportunities for people to be socially included many for free or cheap

I guess no-one has LPA? If you had financial LPA for mum you could activate it and pay for the stuff yourself. Even if it's 'jointly and severally with dad you can act on your own. He wouldn't like it but you legally could. Or you could apply to the court of protection to be appointed her nominated deputy if no LPA and she lacks capacity to make one as it sounds
Like she does. Takes ages and there is a cost but this would give you control of her money and is a good idea in case anything happened to dad and he passed first.

I don't think, on what you say, that this will meet a threshold of abuse as he does allow the daily carer and once a week visit so I don't think social care will formally act to tell him to do any differently

Same as mine. In relation to help he's quite happy to run me ragged but perish the thought he put anyone else out