Mum’s dementia and dad’s reluctance with so much.

Yes, I realised, hence my edit. But other people are reading this thread, so I didn’t delete my comment in case it was useful to someone else.

I used the argument with my father that IHT effectively meant that he had a 40% discount. (ie if he decided not to pay £100 for something, the Chancellor would take £40 in IHT, so by spending the £100 it was only costing him £60. And, more persuasively,it was costing the Chancellor £40)

But my dad did care about his money - his main aim was to pass it on to children and grandchildren

Would thinking about losing money in inheritance tax when the time comes help motivate him to spend it now?

Do you have a local Admiral nurse? It might be worth calling them to see if they have any advice or could put forward your suggestion of an extra session to your DF.could he/she "prescribe" an extra session for your DM?

The problem is when I (or my sister who works full time) are not there dad will let mum sleep on the sofa on/off all day or eat crap. Both of these activities are hugely detrimental to her health physical and mental health.

OP, you need to drop the rope. These are your parents - not your children.

OP I'm not saying it's not money well spent. I am saying that's how an 80 year might think. I would still let this go - its just another afternoon and who's to say that your mum can cope with more than what she is doing at the moment.

Sorry, but I also see your Dad's point of view with regard to the day centre. I think you can look at it from the position of them being 80 and having £1,000's in the bank but he might think that approx £380 a month for 2 afternoons out of the house is more than he wants to afford. I wouldn't force the issue - having watched both my parents struggle for different reasons in later life I think you need to keep an eye on them - generally at the moment are they safe day to day, remembering to shop (or getting food delivered), keeping the house clean, keeping themselves clean..all this deteriorated quite fast with my mum and dad. You need a plan for yourself to keep sane and keep yourself well.

@Picklemeyellow you and your dsis have POA’s for health and welfare and financial for your Mum so (assuming that she has lost capacity to make these decisions for herself) you have legally signed up to act in her best interests, not in your own or anyone else's. This was your Mum’s wish when she was able to make that decision.

I think you need to have a very difficult and direct conversation with your Dad to make this clear and start using the legal powers that you have to provide your Mum with the stimulation that she needs. That could be more carers at home, you could look at getting direct payments to employ personal assistants to provide more consistency and tailor made input, it could be more attendance at Day centres, dementia cafe’s etc. but currently nobody is acting in your Mum’s best interest.

Could work. Can't hurt to try. Maybe the GP?

@countrygirl99 It can, though the person in question has now passed away. It can be helpful when persuading someone to get help . "Getting your memory checked" is marginally more palatable than "get you checked for dementia".

I think people in general are nicer to people who are "a bit forgetful" than to people who are in the early stages of dementia. That will change as it gets more common but we're a long way from that yet. Or maybe I'm just revealing my own prejudices and fears for my own future.

It can also be sticking fingers in ears and going "la la la, it's not dementia, just forgetful". Which is understandable when you think about the prospects.

I agree with seeing if you can get a male in authority to talk to your dad about this, a GP if possible, and be stern with him. In my experience my mum would take no notice of us, but if a GP told her to do something, she would do it. She had a really good one who did home visits to talk to her. Even if your dad doesn't take any notice at least you've tried. Good luck.

he refers to her dementia as her ‘memory issues’ like she’d lost her keys or something. Memory issues are more socially acceptable than dementia.

Carers allowance and State pension

”You cannot get the full amount of both Carer’s Allowance and your State Pension at the same time.
If your pension is £76.75 a week or more, you will not get a Carer’s Allowance payment.
If your pension is less than £76.75 a week, you’ll get a Carer’s Allowance payment to make up the difference.”

It is available if you’re over state pension age, but you cannot receive both state pension and carers allowance. State pension is a higher rate, so sensible to go for that. But if for any reason you are nit entitled to a full state pension, it might be worth taking advice to see whether you’d be better off with carer’s allowance. I don’t know how pension credit works and whether it’s merely theoretical that there might be a situation where CA is better.

I also don’t know whether you could defer your state pension to be able to get carer’s allowance (and then get an enhanced state pension when you finally took it). You’d need to get advice before trying that route.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. We had this with FIL when MIL had dementia. In hindsight I think it was denial about her progression, even now years after her death he refers to her dementia as her ‘memory issues’ like she’d lost her keys or something.

At the time it seemed to me he didn’t want to ‘waste’ the money on her because none of it was happening. It was ridiculous he couldn’t care for her, but he wouldn’t spend the money on getting a carer in to wash her and do her hair, he also wouldn’t allow us to pay for one either. After she died we discovered he had hundreds of thousands set aside for their ‘care’ when they needed it. I was absolutely incandescent with rage, we’d been figuring out what to cut in order for her to have proper care and he’d been sitting on a fortune, unwilling to spend it.

The only thing I can think might work is talk to the GP and get them to tell your father she needs a second afternoon, almost like a ‘prescription’. Men that age tend to take what a Dr says and follow orders. It will give him a break and hopefully will give your Mum some much needed interaction with other people.

Sending you a massive hug.

such a crappy situation all round

what we did, and it sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t, was suggest a trial period with the option to stop any time. It did sometimes mean screaming phone calls demanding it be stopped immediately, usually when a bill arrived but it did mean things like carers coming in, meal deliveries and various aids could be tried and sometimes the benefits were obvious.

maybe some activity out the house for your dad too, so that your mum has to be looked after somewhere. There’s “men in shed’ activities near me that just seem designed to let older men socialise under the guise of pottering about on projects.

theres not an easy solution however.

It sounds like you're doing so much to help already. The reality is with dementia is that you can keep pouring, but it still feels like it isn't making a difference. Stay strong and keep doing what you can, and pushing your Dad towards more active solutions. It does help and it does matter. And I'm sure that your Mum knows and understands what you're doing for her though, even if she might not be able to say this.

We had a (free) carer from the Carers Trust once a week for a few hours. It was always the same lady, which really helped my Mum (and also meant my Dad became confident enough to leave them together and take some time for himself). Maybe there is one in your area who might be able to support?