Overwhelmed & Exhausted By Power of Attorney Responsibilities

Yes I think there needs to be some understanding that when a parent is continuing to effectively manage another human being's life for them that they are actually performing an important service. I won't be doing this for an elderly parent for a few years. I will be doing this for the rest of my life. I pay all my adult child's bills. I manage his money, deal with housing issues, buy all his clothes, book leisure activities, deal with benefits and liaise with carers and social care and OT. I have two children with these needs so have now taken on my second child's affairs. It is exhausting on top of all my own life admin plus a full time job. I have to complete a deputy report every year. I have to keep all receipts for every item of spending.

No there is no one else who could do it. I don't have a choice. Of course I want to help my child but there is no recognition in the system of the burden of this job on top of caring and working.

@cansu I apologise if I am being thick

if you don’t want to do it for your own child, what system do you want instead? Is it the cumbersome nature of it that you want changed?

OP it will get easier if it’s just this current set of things. But generally I am wondering if someone else can do it for your stepdad. If you mum already has Alzheimer’s, she won’t be allowed to choose another attorney I guess
btw where are you claiming expenses from?

Also, for power of attorneys made after 2016 I believe you can register it digitally. My understanding then is that you don’t have to do all this certified copy malarkey. The institution can access it via a key number you input (or something like that). It’s easy to get the key number. It’s Supposed to make things a lot easier though I have only gone so far as registering it digitally. I went through a lot of drama with Santander and original and certified documents etc - then I set it up digitally. I see @lazymum99 also mentions this.

on a side note, for those of us starting to battle for 'continuing care' on the NHS there is a website called Care to be Different and a book of 'How To' go about it for £65

I am a deputy for my disabled children and it is a massive pain. It is frankly unbelievable that family members are expected to do this all for nothing and not only that the requirements to keep records are very time consuming. I have property and finance. Ideally I would have health and welfare but I refuse to spend my own funds to apply for the privilege of managing my child's health and welfare legally as well. It is outrageous.

If they can afford it though, I’d be pretty brazen about it, ask them for £, tell them you are having to turn down freelance work because of the time being consumed. They can only say no. Or else you decline to do it anymore.

Oops 😬 , I stand corrected! Apparently you can only charge incidentals, expenses etc. I must be getting mixed up with something g else. Very sorry.

I completely sympathise. I had similar issues, I had a bad childhood and left home at 17. I agreed to be my mother's attorney because I am an only child and 'there was no one else' and I didn't really consider the full implications tbh. Then when I had to start doing the attorney work 8 years ago I regretted having agreed and several times was on the verge of renouncing it. She lived several hours away and for two years I was constantly firefighting things at a distance.

I had to register the LPA with multiple financial services and care providers - I only ever provided certified copies, not the original. Some services were really inefficient and one lost the copy and had to compensate us - it is a real pain.

It got easier when she moved to a care home near me. I didn't really want to make decisions about her money or her care, but there was no one else. I do sometimes still wish I'd renounced it - in your situation I probably would OP. I had retired (early), but if I'd still be working I wouldn't have been able to cope with it.

If you decide to stick with it, it will get easier. Once you’ve registered with a bank you’ll not have to do it again with them.

You might find it easier to get another official copy of-the PoA and then you can post one copy when needed.

Personally, I’d put a complaint in to the bank. They can’t help the scan going wrong, they are responsible for not checking the copy that came out, and they’ve caused you extra travelling costs and loss of earnings.

i found that once the initial hassle of registering it with everyone was over it then ran reasonably smoothly. My issue is making decisions for someone else.
some institutions will accept the automated registering of the POA. Gov.uk takes you through this. I used it with Aviva and HSBC

I think you're begrudgingly doing it because you had a poor experience as a child and I don't blame you , I face a similar dilemma.

Personally I'd not do it , they are so far away , it's time consuming and you don't owe them anything .

@BetrayedAuntie have you ever dealt with a bank and tried to register POA?
On this board it’s not uncommon for posters to visit three or four times.
In Op’s case that could be at least 24 hrs of work beyond her normal hours… setting her up for a huge working week.... That’s just one of a myriad of tasks to sort. OP left home as soon as she was legally able. She owes them nothing.

What? Did you not read the "I had a really awful childhood, my parents did very little for me and I left home as soon as I was legally old enough."

Bloody hell Your poor parents

I'm so sorry. For your childhood. For your mums Alzheimer's. And sorry that your step father won't manage the property because you're right staying on top of it will mean that when they inevitably pass away it will be easier to sell or get a fair price for (I say as someone who recently has spent a lot of time comparing houses and roofs and damp smells etc).

POA is a sucky thing to ask someone to do. I absolutely understand the logic of it and why it makes sense to have someone you trust but as you say it doesn't usually factor in whether it's actually compatible with their life or your relationship from their perspective.

I think resigning from the role - or asking if you can take a temporary pause if that's allowed - would be ideal. With the time that's freed up you can focus on getting your own life where you need it to be and spending time with your parents in a way that you're focused on them that works for you. I've known a couple of people so POA and even when the relationship is good its totally draining at points.

Ah right, sorry - I assumed they were living together. Very difficult for you. Even if you did give up the POA you'd probably still feel obligated to help. It might be easier to change the bank account to a joint account if they are being difficult with the POA, then you could easily pay for bills and repairs from the account and let your dad know you will be transferring your own expenses. Hope the admin decreases soon.

You don't need to do all this stuff just because you hold an LPA for your parents. What you are currently doing is being a cross between a carer and a personal assistant and that is a choice, not a condition of the LPA.

You could just return the LPA and say you are no longer prepared to do the role. Or help your parents to apply for benefits (probably attendance allowance and if your mum has Alzheimer's she should get free council tax). If they get attendance allowance then you can claim carer's allowance if you earn below the threshold, if you are above the carer's threshold then ask them to pay you from the attendance allowance. Either don't do it (you aren't obliged to, especially as they weren't good to you) or make sure you are paid for it and look at it as a paid job.

Hi OP. You have a range of options. Whether your parents retain the capacity to donate new LPAs does make a difference but in broad terms they include:

1. You instruct solicitors (using parents funds) to do the legwork (a lot of my instructions come from attorneys who can't - for many and varied reasons - actually do the nitty gritty of the role)

1. you can renounce the role by filing a LPA005 Disclaimer form and simply leave them to handle their own affairs or appoint a new attorney (eg local solicitor) if they have the requisite mental capacity eg a solicitor

1. If one/both lack capacity you can instruct a solicitor (using parents funds) to apply for deputyship as you disclaim the LPA so there's a Deputy in place of attorney.

You can "resign" as a poa

Perhaps that might be better for you?

It's a shitty job and even harder if you have difficult relationships

You could employ someone local to manage much of the workload and you just step in when needed?