Getting mum in law to have a wash.

If the lady refuses to be washed then carers won't wash her against her will. No matter how much she needs it or how much op has paid.

In the days before every house had an indoor bathroom people had tin baths in front of the fire! Like a giant baby bath. I wonder if they still exist.

I'd be booking a carer 2 or 3 times a week for an hour. Explain it will just be for a wash. Provide everything you can think of. Towels, washcloths, her fave shampoo or bodywash, basins, hairbrush , anything really. Put the heater on ( assuming you are in the Northern Hemisphere). And then just tell her that's what's happening. Good luck. Terrible situation. I am having struggles with my elderly parents too. So difficult.
Also, not sure if it's available where you live but we have mobile hairdressers who come to the house. That would solve one problem at least. Just need a plastic chair, they have a hose that attaches to the taps and a neck prop thing.

@gratefulforcousins you don’t say if dementia is one of her conditions, but if it is, it is recognised that one of the side effects of the condition is that sufferers do not like a change in temperature on their bodies. It may not be ‘stubbornness’ or a battle of wills at play, there is literally no desire to look in a mirror or recall the need to wash. Experienced carers are adept at persuasion in these circumstances. Having been through this with both DP’s and DPIL’s it is really hard for everyone, so my heart goes out to you.

Can you book a visit from a visiting nurse/carer (council option perhaps) for them to bathe her three times per week.
Out sourcing to a professional stranger might be better for your MIL self esteem.
Then you just inform MIL that the carer comes to bathe her on those days.

You can buy blow up baths and camp showers. They might be suitable if you have access to warm water. Camp showers could have in built water heating.

Not much advice I’m afraid but I understand where you are coming from. We have a similar situation with MIL but thankfully she still has a regular carer visiting so at least they get her to shower a few times a week. They are very firm about hygiene but even then they sometimes have to resort to a towel wash because she refuses the shower. The stubbornness about washing and hygiene is so hard to deal with. She’s had awful skin conditions that have been caused by built up gunk from not cleaning her face properly (refuses to clean her face because her hair will get wet). You have my sympathy, it’s very, very hard.

I care for my mum, and sometimes she says she won’t wash (because it’s hard work for her). I tell her being able to wash is one of the absolute necessities for staying in her own home. We use facecloths, I add the soap to them and hand her them. Then another to rinse with. A perch chair might be useful if she’s likely to fall. Fear of falling or being exhausted seems to be the most likely reasons they refuse, imo.

Op did she regularly wash before ? I mean before she was frail ? Is the refusal to wash because it's become difficult or does she just thing once a week is quite sufficient and doesn't want to wash any more than that. Scenario a is easier to solve than scenario b

It’s fair to ask why the OP’s husband isn’t at least part of the solution, if not for intimate care.

Maybe if you try reeeally hard, you can imagine why OP’s husband might not be the best person for the job of trying to get his elderly Mum to have a wash, when it sounds like she is already very embarrassed about the subject.

Could you perhaps get carers in to was her daily while she's staying with you?

Oh here we go. Didn’t take long.

There's probably a mix of offence / defensiveness and denial about it...She's not had complaints before so why now, kind of thing...

She might find it physically difficult and uncomfortable to wash. I'd look at mobility aids to help and see if a carer or nurse can come and show her how to use them. There are reachers to help people wash their backs for example, and shower stools etc. Theres a recent thread about things people with physical disabilities have bought which have helped them a lot and you could read that/ ask there.

You can still install a couple of grab handles for her and then remove them before you leave (polyfil and paint over).

I'd also make sure that the water temperature and room temperature are comfortable. She might need the room much warmer than usual, especially if she takes time washing. Older skin is delicate skin and older joints are painful joints so make sure she has soft towels and flannels (baby bamboo ones are so so soft).

Speak to AGE UK for advice too.

Will she accept new deodrant? I'd get some long lasting anti perspirant for her like Mitcham to use. Are clothes natural materials? Will she like having some new clothes made of breathable cotton and wool?

Your DH is going to have to explain to her that she washes or she stays elsewhere.

Sometimes aging means that the child becomes the parent and in the same way that you wouldn't let your child not wash for a week, he cannot let his mum do this either.

Time for him to put his parenting pants on and parent his mother; not easy but necessary.

Oh Lord, this is hard. We have had the same. MIL did not ever wash or brush her teeth, despite saying she did.

Dh was mortified about it and just not able to tell her to wash, that she smelled. It is really tricky.

So I washed all her clothes when she came to stay with us, and booked her hairdresser (she washed MIL's hair). But the rest? Gah.

You could try saying to her that you have noticed she smells, and you will help her to wash.

Good luck.

If you brought her a bowl of warm water, some soap and a cloth and told her that you can stay to help or be back in half an hour to empty the mucky water, would she do it knowing that the stuff is already there for her to wash with?

I would be letting her know that if she wants to continue to stay there whether short or long term, she will be washing regularly and there are no ifs buts or coconuts about it

This is so hard. Does she have mental capacity or is she living with a dementia condition?

Perhaps everyone finds it more comfortable for an elderly woman to be assisted with personal hygiene by someone of her own sex?

Will she use baby wipes at all? That might help in the short term.

Why has your husband outsourced this task to you?!

@gratefulforcousins can she go back to her own home to use the facilities there?? she would most likely get an assessment done quicker if she was actually living on her own. there is never any rush if patient is being looked after at a relatives house. what part of her care is your husband doing or are you having to do it all?????

I can also see that being 'the old lady taken to wash at the leisure centre, whatever will people think?!' might be a barrier.

Can you and DH carry her upstairs if you have a shower up there that she would be able to use alone? My DGM occasionally needs to get up a flight of stairs at a relatives home, and she can't do it. She doesn't weigh much, so she sits on a dining chair and two people (one above, one below) carry the chair up with her on it.

“She goes into a vapour and gets upset” - so you’re in a battle of wills here, and she wins by turning on the waterworks? And there’s no downside to her in her refusing to wash? How tough are you prepared to get? What else do you do for her that you could bargain with?

I assume your DH isn’t being very helpful.