Getting mum in law to have a wash.

Had this with elderly uncle . But I insisted that he allowed his carers to help him . Found out part of the problem was difficultly getting clothes off while balancing. He was afraid he would fall. Got a perch chair, washing bowl,carer stripped ,washed , applied moisturiser cream and dressed in clean clothes. DH helped him shave. He felt so much better afterwards. When he went to respite he had a full shower . Glad your MIL cooperated with you.

Its truly soul destroying and she lives with you. My late DM was the same but I was very very firm - even used threats of a care home (I know really mean!) and it did work but I heard every excuse.

I was a fairly frequent visitor to my Dm with Alzh, but trying to get her to have a shower was a nightmare - invariably she ‘couldn’t be bothered’ and would get very upset and tearful if I tried to push it.

However my sister, who lived much further away and so visited much less often, was much tougher with her - wouldn’t take no for answer. ‘You need a shower - you smell!!’ (she did). There would be tears and aggro, but it would happen, tears were soon forgotten (short term memory practically zero) and I’m she must have felt better afterwards.

Once she was finally in the care home, she was always clean, in clean clothes, with nice clean hair. How they managed it I don’t know, but they did.

Well done op👏

My mother aged 86 has only had strip
washes for several years. No baths or showers. She is v clean and doesn’t smell. Sounds like you have done good :-).

I’m sure she must have felt better afterwards. probably not. You tend to feel best with what you’re used to, be that the warm fug when you’ve not had a shower, or the fresh feeling of frequent showers

I was a nightmare getting my DM with dementia to have a shower. She would invariably say she couldn’t be bothered and start crying if I tried to insist.

However a sister who lived much further away and so visited a lot less often was able to be much tougher - she’d say, ‘Come on, you need a shower - you smell!’ (She did).

There would be tears etc. but soon forgotten (one blessing of dementia) and I’m sure she must have felt better afterwards.

OP, I would suggest you get your dh to insist - nicely but very firmly.

When we had FiL living with us (also dementia) I had the same problem but couldn’t insist - he was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages. Only dh was able to coax him into a bath now and then - but dh was so often away for work. 😩

Probably because he respects his Mother's dignity enough to not even suggest doing it himself ? Plus it sounds like she could do it herself with minimal assistance but would still be embarrassing if that help came from her son

Book a hotel room with a nice bathroom and tell her you're there overnight especially so she can get very clean. She's paying for you both, so she might as well make a job of it. If she doesn't wash at yours, she can pay for a shower-stay once a fortnight.

They care about their money!

Hope I' don't sound too cruel. I'm desperately hiding the information from my 91 year old dad that elders sometimes refuse (so far, the 'hard word' has been enough - 'If you want me to come here and 'care', you have to co-operate'} to shower, or pretend they've done it!

I used Nilaqua for my disabled late OH - https://nilaqua.co.uk/

You can get shampoo and body wash. Basically you bung it on then towel it off.

It was a godsend.

Nicely done.

Slightly random but a woman I cared for was like this with her hair and skin
Managed to get around it by using a towelling headband for her hair, and then a cream cleanser rubbed in and taken off with a warm damp flannel and going carefully around the edges
Used to joke it was time for her spa treatment and she would only let me cleanse her face!

I think half the battle is the first one, and if you can make it a pleasurable thing - nicest smalling soaps and softest towels you should be able to get a repeat.

Great news. She's lucky to have you!

We have a local day centre that people can visit for bathing/washing as well as a lunch and company. See if your local SS adult helpdesk could refer you to one locally.

Otherwise, get two washing up bowls - one with soap in, one clear for rinsing. Either use a flannel or special dry wipes from Amazon like they use in hospital and wash very well around the face, neck and top half of body. Then dry well, and dress the top half. Then you can tackle the bottom half without them getting cold and so they feel like they have some dignity. Bit of practice and you'll both be fine with it.

Don't know if this is allowed but there is a good facebook page called carents lounge might be helpful. Have seen adverts for large wipes for people who can't shower or bath

My Dm could access the shower OK, but would she? I could never get her to - she’d always say she couldn’t be bothered, and if I tried to insist she’d turn on the waterworks.

However my sister, who lived much further away and so visited far less often, was able to say, ‘You need a shower - you smell!!’ (She did.). There would be tears but DSis just wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Would you be able to be similarly tough, OP?

I do know how hard it is though. FiL (also with dementia) lived with us for a while, and I never could get him to have a bath or shower. He’d do it for dh, after a lot of coaxing, but at the time dh was often away for work for long periods. I couldn’t insist - FiL was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages over the tiniest thing.

Also, the only way I could get him to wear clean clothes was to have a set ready, watch like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing, charge in and replace the dirty lot with clean ones. Thank goodness he never noticed.

I think wipes are a good idea and maybe she would agree to that if it’s less hassle. But buy the proper ones they use in hospital- you heat them (microwave ?) and they work a lot better than normal ones

You say she has no problems with cognition; but the extreme reaction to splashes of water seems a bit odd. I am guessing she doesn't offer excuses/rationales for her refusal to wash?

Does she currently eat with you, sit with you? What would you do if it was a teenager?

Echoing this. We have a day centre nearby that has a bathing assistant. Could you see if there are similar facilities near you?
If you find one, you could explore the other activities that they offer at the day centre first before introducing the idea of the bathing assistant.

To be honest...That doesn't sound like a person who has absolutely no problems with cognition.

If all of you try really hard yourselves, you could imagine him hiring a carer or helper for this task specifically, himself, seeming as it’s his own mother, to give his mother and his wife back some dignity, and then it doesn’t have to be “or move out…” Christ.

day centres sometimes have bathing facilities that way you would solve that problem they are used to dealing with difficult to wash people, you would also get a break and hopefully she would get a few hours enjoyment too

I was going to say the same as the person above - it's not quite the same as the "parent becomes child" idea. An adult with capacity can refuse to wash and you can't physically make them.

So there are two things at play and two options.

a) If she has capacity. So the the recourse you have is to not have her in your home, so I'd focus on getting the care package sorted and saying very clearly you will not look after her after x date and mean it. You will take her to her home and leave her there. Otherwise they will not put anything in place. It sucks. You may also have to tell her she is moving out if she doesn't wash, and mean it. This is really mean and hard to do but she may, if she has capacity, respond.

b) If she doesn't have capacity. This sounds pretty likely, because the "whiny voice" and childlike things brushing off water etc sound really quite dementia-ish to me. Can you get her an assessment ASAP- as then you can start the process of POA, all that jazz, which will enable your DH to care for her as and when she gets iller. In this case it's also not possible to require her to "wash or move out" as she won't really get it. So you are in the zone of cajoling, much like with a child but actually you can't really just go for it and wash her against her will as you could with a 2 year old. This also sucks. Carers are LESS likely than you are to do the cajoling, both because they have a professional line they can't cross and frankly usually are underpaid, not that bothered. and chronically overworked. So not having to wash someone suits them just fine, they can get to their next awful appointment quicker. It sucks for them too.

Sorry OP.