Mum's personality is changing ...worried

When my Dad started to show signs of cognitive changes, I rang his GP surgery and had a good chat to the receptionist. She added my concerns to Dad's notes, and when he was next in, they did some checks.

Dad's changes sadly turned out to be cancer related - so it isn't always dementia, and as a PP mentioned, really simple things like dehydration or a UTI can make someone agitated/not themselves. I'm sorry to say that you need to start getting investigations done - I would start the ball rolling with her GP surgery.

Is she dehydrated OP? Things like kidney infections and other UTIs can cause all sorts of issues in the elderly, including increased agitation

The older generations can be more prickly, rude, DS said dad's got no filter these days. But I've noticed it in his old cronies too. He's very good with technology but doesn't suffer fools even though he can be one too. He's more intolerant too. But I wouldn't say it dementia. He has aches and pains which don't help. He really doesn't like getting old.

I'm going through this with my gran. She's completely alert and oriented and remembers all the day to day stuff but just generally much more selfish and rude at times about things when she was always such a delight. People who she hasn't seen for a few years she often completely forgets as if they never existed. Even if she bought them a Christmas present every year.

My grandad'a first sign was very subtle. We were playing a game at Christmas and he had to draw a giraffe. He drew a crocodile and the kids were saying crocodile and he 100% thought he had drawn a giraffe. It was so bizarre and all the adults in the room were were looking at each other worrying and the kids were just annoyed they missed a point.

Would be helpful if she'd sign a letter which allowed you to talk to her GP surgery. It's one of the most useful things we've done for everyone's sake.

Just to add..... i understand that with alzheimers there is medication which can help

Yes, I'd say some form of dementia for sure

It would be helpful to find out which, alzheimers vascular lewy body.....so maybe an email to her GP surgery to organise a scan?

Would your Mum be ok with help going in a few times a week? Say for cleaning? Any excuse to have someone to keep a regular eye on her

Write to her GP or ring them and they will help you. Even if they don't discuss her with you, you can discuss her with them.

It sounds like she still has capacity, so that limits what you can do otherwise.

We left my MiL get too bad by going along with ignoring the decline (much to my irritation) and now it's social services and all sorts, definitely a battle if they don't realise they have a problem.

Maybe relevant or maybe not, but my mum kindly looked after our cat for a few months in 2016. She started worrying about his health and became convinced he’d eaten some glass and there was blood in his poo. There wasn’t. It became clear over the following few years that she had cognitive decline. But I do remember this was around the beginning of me thinking there was something different about her.

So sorry to hear this, it is such a difficult thing to deal with.

I have a similar story to tell. My DM was finding it harder to deal with any sort of upsets in her daily routine, she found it hard to be spontaneous, found it difficult to be away from home overnight, was paranoid, and was as hyper critical of longstanding friends. There was nothing glaring obvious that said dementia, but she just wasn’t herself. I put this down to anxiety and social isolation caused by covid lockdown.

But then the final straw came when she called one of the changing room assistants in M&S a silly bitch for asking her to sanitise her hands before trying clothes on (not long after last covid lockdown).

So, DH and I talked her into having a cognitive assessment at her GP, and then she was referred for a brain scan and a couple of psychological assessments. She was really angry at me for ‘forcing’ her to do this, and it was really difficult to deal
with.

I am glad tho that we did it tho. Long short is that she has cerebral small vessel disease, which can be (but not always) a precursor to dementia.

Obviously, her behaviour hasn’t changed, but I found it was easier to deal with knowing that this was something beyond her control. And, it means that if it were to develop into dementia, there wouldn’t be the same long wait for assessment.

I know it’s easier said than done, but I think a cognitive assessment would be a good place to start.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My late mother was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's and vascular dementia but died several months after her diagnosis from other causes. She also experienced anxiety for a few years before her diagnosis.

But anxiety and disinhibition could be early manifestation of one of the various types of dementia that don't always start with memory or cognitive problems but with personality changes.

Brain tumours may also manifest with personality changes.

Some blood pressure medications can also cause anxiety.

I wouldn't disagree with anything anyone has said but it seems to me that the state of the world and the UK, the major changes we've lived through and are living through - computers, climate change and all the ramifications - are enough to make any older person rude and angry. It's as though all the hope and 'progress' of the last 40 years has been thrown away. Threads on MN laughing at old people for pronouncing Lidl and similar 'wrongly' don't help anything at all. Being old in the UK is probably worse than at any time in the 20th century.

If she’s having regular medical appointments for other things, you can write to the GP with your worries, and ask if they can do anything. Explain why you can’t take it up with her yourself. They won’t be able to discuss her with you but they may act on the information you give them

There are subtle actions you can make that down the line will help significantly.

Things like:
Getting the next door neighbour telephone number
Making sure all her utility bills are on direct debit
Maybe helping her with online banking and letting her share password with you

There are more nuclear things you might attempt:
Her getting her will and POA sorted
Broaching the subject of her moving closer to you/ family member
Keeping an eye on her ability to drive

Sadly, it's a new road neither of you will want to travel.

My mum is 80 in march annd ive also noticed similar things happening with her. Took her shopping yesterday and she was scared to use the cash point as she thought someone was watching her . She can also be a bit rude at times and come out with hurtful comments which seems to be getting worse as well. I will try and get her to see the doctor but shes very stubborn . I hope you manage to find support or get it checked out

My family has noticed that a lot (not all!) of the women we know seem to become much more anxious around that age - but notably this anxiety in a few (definitely not all) of them escalated into rudeness and anger before eventually sadly turning into dementia. No science to back it up, just we've noticed a pattern.

I hope you can find support for both you and your mum 💐

This is like my FIL. He’s 84 and got very nasty and selfish. My DH has only just noticed it as he works away and despite being offered FIL refused to come to our house over Christmas. He popped over before Christmas and was unkind to our eldest child, calling him fat and all
sorts and refused to play with him. He was rude to me but I was furious he was unkind to our son.
DH spoke to him yesterday on the phone and he was more like he’s old self. He’s definitely changed though.
I am sorry to hear this with your Mum.

This is exactly what happened with my Nan,
her personality changed completely. She was eventually diagnosed with dementia
after years of me trying to tell the doctors something was wrong. It’s so hard OP, especially when they are resistant to the idea that anything’s wrong.

My Mother also changed personality like this and it was the start of vascular dementia.

I also know of other elderly people who are very unpleasant in old age and it's just old age.

Hugs to you OP, see if you can get your Mum assessed and hopefully it's just being old and grumpy xxx

My mum was like how you are describing 6yrs ago it's was the first signs of dementia.

Going through exactly the same OP. My mum is also late 70s. My Dad also died many years ago. She’s got steadily worse since. Inconsiderate, lack of empathy, rude, cold, nasty. Argumentative. Not the same person. I tried to raise the possibility of getting assessed and she said “How nasty!!” and looked me up & down like I was scum.
My brother is in total denial. I'm at a loss….

My Gran was exactly like this and it turned out to be something called Lewy Body dementia.

Put notes on your phone to remind you of these incidents. Your relationship with your DM has changed. She’s different. No matter the label, OP, you are in a new phase. Sending you a big hug as it’s v hard at first.