DP angling for an extension for FIL to live in

@Brumbies @mids2019 I don't know many widows of his age who are keen to take on the entire burden of housekeeping for a needy elderly man who can't take care of himself. Would you also insist that she didn't figure in his will eg inheriting half his house and being able to gift her share to her children? What's in it for her unless she genuinely falls in love and they get married? If neither happens, she's just free companionship and housekeeping.

Know from experience that as parents age and stay in their own home, that's another house you've got to look after, realistically. Cleaning is one thing, but there's also a lot of maintenance, gardening etc. Repairs can be expensive when you're reliant on tradespeople. And ruinously expensive to heat a big home as people get older and more housebound. Whereas with a shared development/AL flat that you lease, it's all taken care of. Worth looking into - depending on his assets he may need to pay rent/service charges, but might break even, all the above considered.

You mention that he’s your DP - are you not married?

I’d be very wary of ending up as the unpaid carer of an old man who is not related to you whilst your partner carries on enjoying life and preserving his inheritance at your expense (lots of assumptions here, but scant detail provided in the OP).

I certainly wouldn’t be looking to palm him off on some poor lady ffs. He can sort out his own cleaner or home help, buy if HE has left it too late and is no longer capable, presumably his own son could do it for him.

Does your FIL have an actual diagnosis? If his health has deteriorated sharply over a few months, why? I think that's the first question. 74 is not that old. And the answers to individual problems may vary depending on what is wrong with him.

Nothing for me to add really, as other pp's have already brought up a number of issues which might cause problems in the future.

Alongside who his care might fall to in the future, the main issue really is finances. If the FIL has his own home, then what would happen to that? If he owns it and sells to help pay for adaptations to your home, the authorities might take a very dim view of that when it comes to paying for future residential care.

Does your DP have siblings who might think that DP is angling after inheriting the bulk of FIL's estate? That could cause no end of family discord.

Whose house is it? Who would your boyfriend expect to do the huge amount of work it would involve having his father live there?

Get him on a dating site, he might meet a nice widow looking for a man to take care of.

Unless your DP is in the construction trade himself any building project is going to cost twice as much and take 4 times as long as any reasonable estimate.

Look for sheltered housing that includes social spaces and activities. Anything involving adapting your home will be disastrous on numerous levels including destroying your relationship

I know people who went down this road. They're all on antidepressants now.
Wouldn't touch it either a barge pole and if your FIL is a decent considerate man, neither would he. It's not your job to combat his loneliness and I'm sure he wouldn't put this burden on you anyway.

It’ll change your life significantly even if your partner does the bulk of the work involved. If your FIL has early stage dementia (which may or may not be the case) he may live for another 15 years, getting progressively more aggressive, scared and forgetful.

Next time it’s “casually” mentioned, make it clear that you wouldn’t agree to it.

Your FiL may not want to move in anyway. He might prefer more independence, in a flat in a retirement complex. That’s the sort of thing that your partner should be researching, with his dad’s permission.

The best thing would be an assisted living place, especially if you could find one that has the final step of care, like a nursing home. They do exist, my MIL was in a fabulouse one and had housing benefit pay it i think. They are hard to find, you need to get him in one before any full blown dementia.

Also, if you take him in, the care system, such as it is, will leave it all to you. I am assuming you are in tge UK

Can you reframe it to have an open conversation about all of FIL’s potential needs in the future? Put everything on the table and then explain your reasons against him living with you. I don’t know about you but mine were/ would be:

FiL has his own life/ friends/ social life etc and wouldn’t feel comfortable being an add on in someone else’s home
it would impinge on our family life/ privacy
I would become default carer
it is not a long term solution as his needs will change, esp re stairs as pp have pointed out

if FIL needs help then you do need to discuss options, preferably with him as part of the conversation. Eg DH might have to visit him more regularly/ take on some housework or employ a cleaner etc. Longer term he might need a live in carer.

take it from someone 10 years into caring for my PIL - your lives will change and there is a lot of cultural pressure for this to fall to the woman. So try to set some clear boundaries now

also bear in mind that if fil paid towards any extension that might count as deprivation of assets if he needs to rely on state funded care in the future and that could put your home at risk - ie you would have to sell to pay for care

There is no marriage, so no familial connection and very likely that only one of them owns the house. OP left hugely relevant info out of the OP.

Have you considered assisted living and are there any suitable facilities near you? Your dad would have his own self contained flat with staff on site to help him prepare meals etc, family are responsible for providing practical support, shopping etc. As much independence as is possible for both of you. I'd be very wary of being the care provider in your own home, your FIL sounds as if he's in the early stages of dementia at 74. Call 'senior moments' what they are and try to have him properly assessed.

I love my mam, probably the best mam in the world. However, she’s in a residential home. I work full time 300 miles away. Even if I lived closer, I would not move her into my home, it wouldn’t be fair on dh or my kids and I have to put myself and them first. The same way I want my kids to do the same. Don’t agree to this in anyway shape or form. (Edited for typos)

Find your FIL a 'lovely lady' close to him who will do one afternoon a week cleaning. Book a trial for him as a 'birthday present' if necessary.

Infinitely cheaper than an extension, better for your marriage and probably better for FIL's independence as well.

She said she doesnt want to do it though.

Okay so who's house is it? What's the care plan? Where is the £££ coming for this sort of change? Seems too much to me!

Laugh as if the idea is some hilarious joke. Which it is. Don't agree to it. You will be condemning yourself to a life of servitude.

Not do stupid if the fil has their old rooms and they create an Ensuite room in the loft for themselves

Re-read to see loft conversion - that's hilarious, how will a frail elderly man be managing the stairs?

@mids2019 and who is going to do the caring?? your hubby??? i very much doubt it! anyway, an attic conversion would not be at all suitable for an elderly person who will become unable to manage stairs very soon. I would never ever take an elderly relative in/ you will be left to do it all with no thanks ever given by the relative or the hubby! dont do it/