So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

So sorry for your loss @SeriouslyAgain - and to @Choux - but also thank you for sharing your journey and the hurdles and lessons you’ve learned.

DM died before 111 was a thing and I’m sure the GP who certified wisely left things out to keep it simple. It is helpful to me to remember again what poor DF went through back then when he was caring for terminally ill DM in her last few months.

@SeriouslyAgain I'm so sorry for your loss, none of this is easy is it. Sending you a huge hug

@SeriouslyAgain sorry for your loss. The end is somehow still a shock and a sad event even when you know it is coming and know that your mum had already been ebbing away for years.

Had she seen her GP in the last 28 days or will it be referred to the coroner? My dad's death was referred to the coroner last year despite him having see an on call GP and having daily visits from an Intensive Care at Home Team as he hadn't seen HIS GP. In his case it probably only delayed things by 24-48 hours as he obviously wasn't fit and well.

Oh gosh Seriously that sounds like a first hurdle. Hopefully the cause of death is quite straightforward and easily certified. Our very no nonsense GP said there were certain things she'd put down as cause of death that would be unquestioned and others (that were in some ways also true) that she'd leave out just to keep it simple.

One more thank you for yet more wise, kind words. Thinking of you all out there.
My first lesson of sadmin is that if someone dies at a weekend and there is no out of hours gp to certify, you have to phone 111. The poor little buggers answering the phone sound like they're about 12 and absolutely terrified😂. They were actually pretty good and the on-call doc arrives (albeit about 6 hours after the 111 call1! ) in a snazzy chauffeur-driven car.

@TheMessThatYouLeftWhenYouWentAway
This thread really is the circle of life! I was new to it only in November. Both the worst thread to have to be on, and the absolute best of MN!

@SeriouslyAgain I've only been on the thread for a short time but am so sorry for your loss and hope you have time and support to rest and heal yourself after this journey- which will have been yours as much as your mum's.

@SeriouslyAgain Sending heartfelt condolences about the sad loss of you’re Mum. Dementia is so awful and relentless that I’m not surprised people feel relieved when the sufferer is finally at peace. It’s not something you’d wish on anyone and I know my Mum would hate the person she’s become and wouldn’t want to
linger on. Take care of yourself and pop back on here when you need to.

Thank you again.
And yes @Valleyofthedollymix of course feel free to ask me anything. I feel like we've been elderly-parent-twins with the cashmere and the bossy carers!

Oh my goodness @SeriouslyAgain I don't know what to say other than sorry that you're feeling knocked sideways, sorry that your mother was so reduced by the end, sorry that it went on so long. Not sorry, if that doesn't sound callous, that she's died because from everything you say, her more real self would not have liked to have lived as she was living.

I've done the deathmin really recently so please do fire any questions up. There are things I wished I known.

I hope you feel some sense of pride that you worked so hard to keep her at home as per her wishes. I know you've got ambivalence about this, but for the moment just take pride. It's wierd how much you can feel for someone you don't know, but you have been so helpful, wise and witty on this thread.

At some point when it's less incredibly heartless of me, I will ask some nosy questions about her condition and how it progressed, if that's OK. But in the meantime, genuine best wishes to you and the transition to a new chapter.

[Ps on a different note, we didn't sack the carer... she's overbearing and a bit Mrs Danvers, but does a lot of stuff around the house that saves me loads of work].

So sorry for your loss @SeriouslyAgain

Thank you all for your kind and wise words.
I'm starting the sadmin now so I'll soon be sharing my 'wisdom' on that too! Or asking for help!
Thank you to everyone on this amazing thread. It's kept me almost sane at times for the past few months.
All the very best to those still going through the mill.

@SeriouslyAgain

It's not your problem though if they've chosen this for themselves, hard though that is. This. You’re allowed to live your life as you wish, you’re allowed to make bad decisions. What you shouldn’t do is rely on friends and family to bail you out.

Similarly as family you should give as much help as you freely want to do out of love and family feeling. But when you’re starting to resent it, it’s starting to be too much.

@SeriouslyAgain
Saying sorry for your loss doesn't really cut it because it's such a difficult time emotionally.

SeriouslyAgain So sorry to hear your sad news. Take care 🌺

@SeriouslyAgain oh

Maybe a different type of grief? A lot of the feelings have to be parked when our elders are in such shit situations, if we're to keep going at all. But they do come out unpredictably. I imagine that I will feel only joy when dm's long end finally concludes, but when she last nearly died I was a mess. I hope you can find some peace over the coming days.

So sorry for your loss @SeriouslyAgain. I think with dementia, death is the end of grieving rather than the beginning. It's okay to feel relieved as well. 💐

@SeriouslyAgain I'm so sorry. At least she's at peace now. I'm not surprised you're sobbing your heart out.

Well, my mum did finally die a few hours ago. And having been almost wishing for it for so long I can't believe that I've been sobbing about it. It's just such a shit shit way to go. Years of no dignity, no life. And she wouldn't have had to go through it if it hadn't been for me constantly trying to help and support and advocate; and I do wonder if I was doing that for me rather than for her. I'm so sad for her. I wish she'd died long before she became such a burden. She'd have hated it. I'm grateful that latterly she probably didn't know how awful it was.
Thank you to all on here and in the cafe for being there and being kind. I'll probably carry on popping in to hand out my hard-won words of wisdom!
For those who think it will never happen (and I really did think I might predecease her at one stage)... It does eventually. Keep on keeping on.

@TheShellBeach yes she still has 2 security guards - the DOLs is still in place.

@AgitatedGoose so far I have only spoken to the ward staff including the ward sister. I would think that the discharge team may try to contact me on Monday, there is no guarantee that I will be able to take the call. I will not be offering to do anything myself. I will take on board what you say you did - I think DM's current behaviour is so hard because she was frankly an awful parent to me until about 10 years ago and this behaviour is very triggering.

@JamieFrasersSassenach When my Mum was in hospital I took a very hard line with social workers and the discharge team and made it very clear from the outset that I wasn’t going to do anything and that it was up to them to sort things out. I made it difficult for them to contact me and refused to attend meetings. As I’ve said on other posts I had a very difficult past with my parents and a lot of my Mum’s behaviour after she developed Alzheimer’s was very triggering for me. Wishing you good luck in this awful journey.

Jamie is she still being guarded by the security team?

Thank you for the welcome.

Today DM said she would like to go to a care home near to where her house is.

She can afford to part fund respite care and if needs be she can sell her home to pay for care.

As horrible as it sounds I don't want to sort this out for her - I want the hospital discharge team to do it.
I don't have the time to do it and I cannot put up with her nastiness for more than half an hour at a time, it doesn't matter what I say she twists it.

Today she said she was ready to go home and told me to tell the nurse I was there to take her. We went to speak to the nurse who she then told I wanted to speak to about having her put in a home and that she had not asked to talk to the nurse herself. It's very frustrating because although she is very confused and still hallucinating she is also very quick to think up a reason why everything is my fault and new things that I have 'done.'
She ties me up in knots when I am with her, if I say blue she says black etc.

Today I could happily walk away and not go back!