So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

Eek… its. Too late to edit

I don't have children, by choice, and sometimes wonder if people can't compute the idea that their kids might feel like this one day about them, so they block it out. I think everyone is aware of their parents’ failings and makes sure they avoid them with their own DC. They therefore truly believe they have been good parents, and can’t imagine their own DC feeling the same way towards them, quite unconscious that in avoiding some mistakes they have inevitably committed others.

In that case, I’m well on my last legs

From what Ive read, favourite time us in the small hours, when metabolic rate is at it’s lowest. Don’t know whether that’s affected depending on whether you wake up at 7 or at 12.

@Badfurcut thank you. You speak so much truth and so well. I wish you healing.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I was in a similar situation recently - applying for Deputyship to manage my Mum's affairs.

The solicitor I spoke to told me the wait time was 18mths to gain Deputyship. We gave the solicitor the go ahead to start the application but it hadn't actually been submitted when my Mum died.

If you think your Mum might die before the application is completed I wouldn't bother starting it tbh. You do get a refund of the application fee if the person dies within a month of applying for Deputyship.

If your Mum has a Will then that will take effect when she dies, or the laws of intestacy will come in to play if no Will.

How is your brother accessing your Mum's bank account?

Thank you for the new thread @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew . The first one and this are such a bastion of wisdom, support, empathy, understanding and kindness.

My dad, who was a lovely man, died extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. A massive heart attack at 70 took him instantly. It was devastating at the time and awful. But now - I just think, thank Christ, thank Christ, how lucky for him. He wouldn't have been a good patient. I can see what's coming along the track towards me from other quarters and am so thankful that he (and, somewhat selfishly, I) was spared from that.

Especial good wishes to you all dealing with these desperately cruel situations. Christmas and the expectations of (often notably uninvolved) others can really make this a cruel time of year. I hope you have at least some moments of happiness and joy for yourselves. xx

My mum is still in hospital. She's been there since May. Doubly incontinent, poor cognitive ability and immobile. She caught covid and I thought that might finish her off, but no. She then stopped eating, drinking and refused medication. I thought that was it but no. She has no poa and a couple of weeks ago the social worker advised me to apply for guardianship. I haven't done anything yet because I'm simmering with resentment that I'll have to and it'll cause no end of hassle with my deadbeat brother who lives in mum's flat and has access to her bank account. Then the tin lid moment was when my 'special' cousin who mum adores but who hasn't visited her since August was disappointed that mum wasn't home yet. Mum will never go home. She exists only.

@Badfurcut AKA Poochypaws, glad you've updated us on the thread, I had been thinking about how you were doing.

Condolences to you re your mum, it sounds like that phone call knocked you off your feet even though you were probably praying for it to come. I was exactly the same. When it actually happens it can knock us sideways in ways we didn't expect. I'm with you on the shit sibling front too, I've not spoken to my sister since my dad's funeral and doubt will again apart from updating her on legal stuff.

It will hopefully get easier for you as the months pass and after you wade through and deal with all the deathmin. Be kind to yourself and thanks again for starting this highly important discussion back in August. X

This is what my parents have requested of me. They are in their 70s and in excellent health. They are planning their funeral but won't sort a LPOA. I'm going mad as I see at work the issues it causes.
Please get your older parents to sort the legal side!!

@EmmaEmerald I know 3k!
Sadly I had a lifetime of my mums alcoholism and extravagant spending, always bailed out by my dad it ruined the family and eventually his pension pot. I bailed her out, the last time over 20k and she went straight back and did it again.
My mums life was one of narcissistic delusions of grandeur she honestly believed she would have the society funeral of the decade.
I am grateful to draw a line under it and move on free of the burden. I have to say seeing such a miserable old age as mums put the fear of god in me, its no fun but at least I also do not have children to force the misery on. I knew the poem by Phillip Larkin from a very young age.

@binkie163 My dad's funeral was very simple, bit of an issue with standing room only. But we kept it simple as he specifically wanted that. I wanted a private funeral but mum said people would be upset and she's right, we kind of had to do the public thing.

Even that cost about £3k.

Death does wipe the slate clean, hopefully. It did for me. Though ...I fear mum has suffered too much and too long for that to happen this time.

She has stopped saying things like "next Christmas I'll be dead". It's hard for her to compute, but her older brothers suffered well into their 90s. They were abroad and didn't access to the medicine we have.

But, yes, death wipes the slate clean mostly.

@Badfurcut "Nobody, absolutely nobody gives a shit if you end up dead during this process. It is like pass the parcel. Nobody wants to deal with the sick old demented person so when you try to get help it just gets booted back into your corner. People will stand by and pat you on the back whilst you empty the tablets into your hand to commit suicide saying what a great job you are doing."

I feel every word of this.

I am so sorry for everything you've been through. I haven't had even a fraction of it, and what I have had has broken me.

I don't have children, by choice, and sometimes wonder if people can't compute the idea that their kids might feel like this one day about them, so they block it out.

I don't unburden myself to many people but the healthcare professionals have to gloss over it too, I guess.

The resource issue is ridiculous. I understand when it's about trying to prevent suffering or hospital admissions but a lot of it isn't that.

@PermanentTemporary - I'm really sorry. I would ask how you're holding up but that seems a dumb question.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you, I will suggest that to my dad. It's the expectation people have, my mum wanted black horses and carriage, thousands lining the streets, she had set aside 3k for her funeral! The truth is, she was not a nice person, she had no friends or even acquaintances to invite, she was a narcissist. I suppose death wipes the slate clean.

Its also true that one of the features of approaching end of life can be more sleepiness. God i hope it's like that for me. Presumably that's why a lot of people do 'die in their sleep' in that they're sleeping 18 out of the 24 hours anyway.

I agree!
you know when you have a baby and everyone has “helpful” advice about where your going wrong with sleep/feeding/potty training etc etc…well its like that only with helpful advice for the care of the elderly, but usually from people who are of bugger all practical help! Think it helps them feel like they’re being useful…just tell them that’s a fabulous idea @MsJinks and carry on as you were!

Caught the end of somebody talking on the radio about assisted dying and saying people will feel pressure to exit because of family members. They went on to say that the affect on families should NEVER be a factor. They always then go on to talk about some fantasy world were care is perfect and plentiful. I think this needs reframing. Its presented as the child wishing the parent dead. Reading some of these stories, I would never, never, never want to put my child through this much stress and think it perfectly acceptable to consider their welfare as well in any treatment decisions.

Having said all that, I know, when it comes down to it, human beings cling to life at all costs, including costs to our own children. I remember hearing a programme on R4 ages ago about human reactions in life and death situations. And regardless of what we might think we would do, in real life situations, parents abandon their own children to safe themselves. This is how strong our instinct to survive is.

I've had 15 years of being at the beck and call of my parents. My mum died in 2020 after numerous hospital stays etc etc. My dad then went downhill. This year has been terrible for him but better for me as he has spent most of it either in the hospital or in a care home.
Now, we are close to the end. He's been unconscious for 8 weeks and we are on day 17 of palliative care ie no water, no tube feeding, minimal medication.
He's hanging on. How long can this go on??
Today I have to go to the hospital again (we go every day). I'm juggling this with work and my own life (ha! that's a joke).
I just want this to be over now and I need time to rest and recover myself. I am broken.
There is such a thing as carer burnout. Google it then tell your parent's social worker if you have it and they have a duty of care to you as well as your parents.

@binkie163 I don’t know whether you know, but you can have a “direct cremation” or even a “direct burial”. No ceremony, no-one there, cheap, nothing to arrange like cars, flowers, wake. Then you can have a memorial later if and when you have the energy.

Yes, I think you’re right. It’ll take a very long time for euthanasia for dementia. It’ll be “terminal illness with less than 6 months to live” that’ll happen first. (Surely living 13 years and hating every minute has an urgency at least as great?). But actively keeping alive against ones previously expressed desires does need talking about and may be an easier nut to crack.

Not necessarily women I took my dad caving at 86 (proper caving, not a show cave) and his 90s were full of falls and blood (so much blood!) He cracked his head open on some railings at a road junction, refused an ambulance, got someone to deliver him to me. Now he’s quietly content, bed-bound in a nursing home. I’m happy for him to continue, he’s happier than for a long while, so let him enjoy it! But I’m hoping he won’t want to enjoy it for too many extra years, like when you’re pushing a child on a swing.

With regard to possible law changes and assisted dying. I don't think assisted dying is the issue here, its prolonged living that we really need political debate about. As far as I can see prolonged living is just enormous suffering for everyone in its orbit. And at enormous financial costs. Nobody benefits, absolutely nobody, well, I suppose drug companies do.
But this, prolonged living, is what we really need to think about. Assisted dying is a minor side issue.

@MsJinks your post about the friend and the pain relief stood out. I've had that experience with interfering friends who then go and ask their 'medical friend' for advice. The trouble is, the friend doesn't usually know the full picture, it's highly unlikely the medic friend would give actual medical advice for someone they'd never met (v unethical!) and for whom they've never seen the medical records!

I've seen several relatives/friends go through the final stages of life and all the end of life medication seems to sedate. TBH that seemed like a good thing. You only have a friend claiming your DM wanted to be alert to the end but did she have any idea what that might be like (how many EOL people had she cared for?!).

And it's also very easy for supposed friends to offer advice but not do anything useful.

@PermanentTemporary - it’s so hard - look after yourself.
I think it’s women of that generation- my ma survived falling down an escalator and smashing her shoulder (never set right) at 86, deciding to walk solo and smashing her head open on the fireplace at 88, pneumonia effectively at 90 as well as ongoing heart failure and other stuff. My Dad didn’t survive a fall that broke his shoulder. It is incredible!

Many years ago when desperately seeking help for one of my children it was suggested I ask for anti depressants- I felt this was to make me stop pestering and be more happy about it all! (I know they are needed/good support in circumstances).
Two things from that - why are kids on waiting lists forever and you’re never told ‘child is a priority’ just sent to get on with it? When the services smile, pat your head and say try a carers group it’s just really ‘shut up and get on with it’
There is though less understanding why you want support with a parent I find - tbh this sort of discussion should be out there everywhere and recognised as such a difficult situation and an issue.
I felt a bit shite as a parent for finding some things hard, and wanting assistance with difficult stuff - now feel a bit shite as a daughter for similar. Maybe we need to stop the narrative that ‘carers’ are saintly and that’s enough for them to know and live on 🤦🏻‍♀️

My mum is supposed to be dying but has recovered again. I have no idea how.

She and all of us have been in limbo for over two years but this is a new stage of hellishness. I am grateful she's in a home I suppose.