So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

That was very much part of the challenge for me. That it was only going one way. And every memory was bittersweet. Glad she was still alive as she was a lovely DM, really the best, and I didn’t want to lose her but also the exhaustion of waiting for the next shoe to drop and not knowing when it would come to an end.

I remember saying to a counsellor in exasperation one day “how much longer???”

She looked at me with slight horror and I thought “you have no idea do you”. Her parents were both still alive of course and healthy.

Watching someone you love dearly slowly decline, getting weaker and weaker, is the saddest thing I’ve ever had to experience and probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

The whole thing is so messed up. Strangely we thought as she’s always rallied she’d be here at Christmas. But then suddenly it happened and it was quick. And she’s not here now.

I do hope you all get the relief you need quickly. I’m so sorry we’ve all had to endure this. I feel pretty traumatised by it all. I hope after a while it lifts.

I’m nearly 60 and my DC are 30+ DM is in her 80s
when DF was dying in his 90s it hit me badly what my DC might have to go through to help me - they helped with DF and now help with DM
I hope they have learned a lot as have I - and wills and LPOA etc all been done - but I genuinely hope I go younger and quicker for their sakes
Much as I am content with my current life - it would not bother me one jot if it was snuffed out suddenly if it saved them the anguish I’ve had - the inheritance would be helpful too
I love them too much to want this for them - although I know they would also do it willingly

Pretty tough 50-something. Though frankly, increasingly, pretty rough, too

@MereDintofPandiculation I think understand. Your adult children are capable, strong, worldly. That's a lot to be proud of.
I think I'm saying that this experience of caring presents a whole new level of challenge. I consider myself a pretty rough 50-sonething. I've had to face a great deal, as most 50-somethings have. I can navigate the world. But what I am facing now is of a completely different order. Nothing has prepared for this. Part of the challenge, for me, is that it's unpredictable and it's only going one way.

Oh I've just read this thread (and the original) and I'm in tears. It's such a relief to hear that my feelings regarding my LOVELY mum don't mean that I'm evil (which is what I felt like at the time 😢)

Dementia is simply awful to go through as the child of the elderly parent with the condition. My mum was so, so poorly by the end (she died last year, 5 years after being diagnosed and after a huge, dreadful escalation during the pandemic 😢). She wanted to die...she said so on many occasions...and we (my siblings and I) would have done ANYTHING to relieve her dreadful anxieties at the time. It's a cruel, heartless illness. There is only one outcome...and when you're already in your 80s and the love of your life (my dad) has already died, I KNOW that had she been capable of taking things into her own hands, she would have done so and taken her own life.

Instead, we had to deal with the brutality that is dementia care in this country. And it's fucking dire! The majority of her care fell to me...and it was exhausting and futile most of the time. I don't begrudge my mum a second of it, I loved her so much, and miss her (the real 'her') terribly, but I'm absolutely FUMING at the crappy situation as it stands now with elderly dementia care (unless you are independently wealthy then it's shocking!)

@popularinthe80s I think I've completely missed the point about my post too It all made sense to me at one time, but I haven't a clue now.

I think that the post I was replying to seemed to be conveying that sense of the vulnerable - like pictures of kittens in the snow, or children who in later years may have all this to face - you want to scoop them up and protect them. So it was an off the cuff comment that I don't particularly feel that about my tough near-40s who manage the world much better than I do.

I think that was what it was about, anyway

approaching the end of a year I’ve spent on high alert that parent not long to live. I’m exhausted juggling his care and aged mum who lacks understanding and seemingly any compassion at all. Hats off to all of us in this situation & for me now I’m going to think how I can put small changes in place to stop my exposure to so much toxicity & high drama. One for Stately Homes thread…
Also to add how unhelpful a lot of mums support has been… under guise of caring for carer it seems I’m not included there & expected to facilitate & step in even more.
Hope everyone finds pockets of peace & rest over coming days.

It made sense in the context.

I've started, but stopped, 'Thanking' posts, because I would end up thanking all of you.
@Badfurcut you write with incredible eloquence and clarity. I'm sure a review of your professional skills isn't uppermost in your mind at the moment, but I wonder if one step towards healing could be for you to write about this?
I've been so angry this week - each time the phone goes with another health professional who intends only to help, I have the startle response. I think it's because I am experiencing what you are all articulating- that smiling assumption that I am here onlye to serve.
I have the right to my life, too. We all do.
@MereDintofPandiculation , I really value your posts and I may have completely misunderstood your point about your son being 40. My brain has the consistency of scrambled egg at the moment. I just wonder if the question is not about the quality of your relationship with your children- you're clearly a marvellous mum; that shines out from your posts. But rather than we ar biologically primed for our own survival, even at the risk of those we love. My mum would do anything for me. But caring for her and navigating the system and tolerating the clinical e people who sometimes create only more confusion and discomfort is eating me up.
Sorry, I'm sure there was a quicker way of saying all of that.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I think we’re potentially dealing with environmental health as well and I don’t think we have SS involved yet. I’m trying to tread the line of understanding what agencies require to be done and what various agencies would do if there was no/limited family help.

I’m already exhausted from over a year of watching ‘not coping’ and ‘severe decline’ from someone very resistant to any help from family, after years and years of hoarding, never throwing anything away and compulsive buying of things.

It is very hard for family to help someone who hasn’t accepted they have a problem and isn’t completely without capacity yet - or rather could present as having capacity in the moment to an authority figure.

This makes no sense but possibly highlights my point...that sometimes people with children can't comprehend that one day it will be their child having a nervous breakdown over care of elderly parents, or parents living a terrible state for a long time.

I’d feel more protective of them if they were 10. At that age it’s easier to see their vulnerability

My mum already has been signed off as incapacitated by her GP and by the consultant at hospital so my POA has kicked in. Because mum never had a care package in place before being admitted to hospital it’s more difficult to have her discharged to a care home. But notwithstanding that she probably should have had a care package in place as she wasn’t coping. She’s deteriorated beyond a care package now so that’s why a home is safest.

@funnelfan @Witchyblankets my mum should have been in a care home, SW was very direct to us, it is cheaper to keep them at home with care package, zero quality of life, if you want a care home you must fund it yourself. My dad would not sell his house to fund it. Finally the hospital refused to discharge her home again because she was back in within weeks so discharged to care home, she died a few days later. It isn't easy to get a care/nursing home through LA in my mums area or it seems privately from what iv read.

Hi, May I join? I’ve read this thread and I admire you all. You are certainly stronger than I am.

I am bracing myself as I will be in a similar position at some point and am now just starting this journey.

@MereDintofPandiculation ""I'm not too agonised about FC ending up in a similar position, maybe because they're pushing 40."

Not sure what connection age has? It seems to be a hellish experience regardless of age.

The prevailing thinking amongst adult social care workers is to keep people in their own homes as long as humanely (!) possible and as long as the person concerned expresses a wish to stay at home and they are deemed to have enough capacity to make that decision.

So all you can do is record/document any unsafe incidents and use them as examples as to why you do not support your relative returning home. Put it in writing too. I get the impression that the closest relatives/NoK/PoA not supporting a return to home also has an impact that is taken into account, although it's always taken in the context of the whole picture and not necessarily a veto.

Caveat being I am not an expert but this is the message I got during a recent social worker assessment of my mum.

After todays visit, there is further evidence to support her going to a care home rather than her own home. I will be standing my ground on this.

I’m in a similar situation @Witchyblankets - everyone keeps talking about a care package in own home when I think it should be a home. Own home is not safe and self-neglect is stark when they’re alone, they’ve had a few respite stays with family and always revert at home.
I’ve held my line on not being able to have them stay (end up living) in my home now there’s such a decline and we’re at respite stage but I welcome any experience others can share of dealing with the system.

Can you tell them you believe it's an unsafe discharge and that you're not going to be on call for any reason?

I had wonderful parents. They both died quickly.

My sisters, however, are ghastly.

Sorry! Just seems to me on MN that nobody has had good parents, they're all alcoholics, narcissists, emotionally unavailable, selfish, uncaring, not there when I was struggling with DC, trying to elbow in on DC, totally uninterested, have no boundaries, etc etc

I'm not too agonised about FC ending up in a similar position, maybe because they're pushing 40. They don't seem quite so vulnerable. I will of course try to make things easier for them. I've already done LPA, and an inventory of the possessions so they know what they're throwing away.

I feel quite lucky that I only had 12 months of coping with DF between his stroke and eventual death - but looking back I don’t know how we coped - it was exhausting - I know I’ve blocked out the worst bits but found posting on here incredibly helpful
Big hugs to all who need them especially at this time of year
DM Alzheimer’s is getting worse and whilst she is still in own home with some paid help - we still have to do quite a lot - just off there now to deliver a food shop, drop off presents from her to other family members which I’ve had to shop for and wrap - then will take her out to garden centre for lunch - before I go home n sort my own Xmas prep out - plus look after Dcat who is recovering from recent accident

@Badfurcut I just wanted to say thanks for so eloquently putting into words, exactly how so many of us feel. I’m sat in hospital car park procrastinating coz I can’t be arsed going to to drag any sort of convo out of my DM who is lying sleeping most of the time. Her social worker is assessing her for discharge back home with a full care package. The thought of this fills me with utter horror as she’ll only be back in hospital again soon. She cannot cope. In her lucid moments even she says so and would prefer a care home. I’m at the end of my tether. I’m done in. I just want to get on with living life before I too succumb to old age.
I could actually cry at the thought of the burden of responsibility and worry if my mum is discharged home.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Oh I wasn't thinking of any parental failings!
Just the idea that one day your child might be in this position.