So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

I’m sorry for those who are having such a tough time. I get on with my mum and my DB and it’s bad enough wondering how long this is going to go on for without the added stress of legacy abusive relationships. I can’t begin to imagine how you’re all still standing, it’s been a year since mum was discharged from hospital with carers and then got Covid and I’m barely clinging on and in talking therapy.

I feel for you. My in laws are from a culture that doesn’t “do” care homes and although I think times might be changing a little, I doubt my FIL would even go to a hospice at the end, no matter how bad or unmanageable things get at home.

Christmas has been difficult with quite a big deterioration in his condition. MIL is coping badly and I saw a side to her that I’d never seen before. Nothing terrible, she just lost her temper with a family member for a silly reason. Clearly she is stressed beyond belief and on a very short fuse.

She’s also, I hate to say it, being a bit of a martyr and refusing to leave the house. We said just come out for an hour, leave the carers to it, someone will pick you up and drop you back, it’ll do you good to get out for a bit and enjoy some time with the grandchildren… she wouldn’t do it. I think it’s her way of showing everyone that she’s in a bad way physically and mentally - she was walking around complaining of dizziness at one point when we last saw her - but won’t do anything about it.

Then one evening it was arranged that the entire family had to go to ILs house (other family offered to host as more space and, again, to offer MIL a bit of respite, but that was refused and the emotional blackmail came out: it’s FIL’s dying wish to have everyone around him this Xmas). Despite this MIL was muttering that hosting family was just too much trouble and instead of feeding people it would have to be “tea and cake”. In the end we ordered takeaway and FIL very clearly couldn’t cope with a house full of people and noise.

And of course, throughout all this I have to keep my thoughts to myself, not my circus not my monkeys etc.

@RescueRespect it's really not a way to live. Thank you.
@binkie163 even just reading that description makes me angry on your behalf. God knows what it must have been like living it.

Your situation sounds so tough. This is no kind of a life for anyone :-(

Omg. I can’t believe she did that. The way to ‘keep your kids’ attention’ is surely to be a decent and kind parent…

@popularinthe80s it was the strangest thing, for 12 years pretending to have dementia. She was old and was not well but she would not do anything her Dr advised. When the Dr told me I knew immediately it was true, my mother was a lifelong attention seeker, no depth she wouldn't sink to to get her own way. Very selfish, spiteful woman, always had been but got much worse with age. She hated my having my own life.

@binkie163 sorry, cross-post- just read about your mother's subterfuge to get more attention - that's appalling. It's another kind of abuse.

@RescueRespect , I can't imagine how hard it must be when your cultural background is telling you something that contradicts your sense of what's right for you.
I applaud you for holding on to the knowledge that this won't work for you. Keep holding on to it.
@Tara336 and @binkie163, my relationship with my DM has always been... complex. I completely relate to the sense of invalidation when professional care givers tell you 'Oh, don't be upset; it's just the illness.'
@AgitatedGoose I came on here today because I'm struggling with those taboo feelings. I need this to end. Either by my DM's end or mine. At the moment, I almost don't care which. I just need it to end. I feel eaten alive.
(Not wanting to pull the thread towards my distress- we all need care here- just venting and wanting people to know that they are not alone).

@RescueRespect I kept my family at arms length for years. My mum told us she was very ill, carers in, wanting our attention for 12 years! I found out she was lying about her dementia after a long chat with her Dr and carers. She was very old, bored and bitter about life. I had to block contact a year ago.

Poor you. I am from a culture where we are expected to care for the elderly at home. But there are so many reasons why this will not work for me.

Goodness. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond already. It must feel very invalidating when the staff say it is the dementia talking.

whilst I resent my mum for being emotionally neglectful, she has had the burden of living with my dad for decades. I really hope that he dies first so she can experience a couple of years at least without the demands of that narcissist.

good luck for your year ahead. X

@RescueRespect I have a few friends who had great parents and adore having them at home looking after them.
My parents were selfish alcoholics, my family home was like a war zone and yet they expected the children they neglected to wait on them hand and foot. It's a rubbish position to be in.

@RescueRespect you are more than welcome. My DF has always been distant and a very nasty bully, it has been a hard time especially as my DB has not been helpful at all and has distanced himself from the whole situation. Part of me understands as he also was bullied badly by DF who saw us as an inconvenience in his life

Its very hard when he's nasty and staff at the home state it's the dementia talking, it's not it's DF and who he is, the only difference is that now he doesn't hide how he treats us, before dementia he only abused us behind closed doors.

I dont know when I will visit the home I haven't been since before Christmas, I might wait until after the anniversary of him being sectioned. Last year was one of the worst of my life I spent 8 months battling social services to get DF out of the MH unit and into a suitable care home, clearing junk from DPs house and helping get it into a liveable condition while also living 130 miles away, run a business and attempt to keep my own health condition balanced.

I am dreading returning to work tomorrow (I work for DH) as I deal with the public and the abuse we take from rude entitled people is awful (I had one call me useless in a review on Google as I was off dealing with DF and didn't respond quickly to his request) it also means my rest is over and I will once again have to begin work sorting DPs house out as DF was a harder and was refusing to redecorate (lounge not decorated since 1980s) I have promised myself that I will not allow this situation to take over my life in 2024

I am some years I think from really needing this thread as we are at the start but I hope it’s ok to join.

I don’t like my parents (emotionally neglectful childhood, DV etc). They are in their eighties and both starting to have memory problems. My dad in particular is very selfish. But I have to do my duty culturally and will do what I need to do till the end. I have difficult siblings so arguments will ensue no doubt. I am dreading the future but am glad I have seen my kids off to university.

I can’t say this in real life; I envy friends who are close to their parents, but I also envy those whose elderly parents have died. That sounds awful I know.

I am dreading the future. Thank goodness for threads like this and my thoughts go out to everyone.

@AgitatedGoose my heart goes out to you. Four years is so very very long. I felt suicidal at times during the 2.8 years I did with my DM and she was a very kind and loving DM. It was looking after the rest of my family and their health issues which meant I could never catch a breath combined with all DMs needs.

I really hope both these two meet a swift and painless end. People have no idea how it brings you to your lowest ebb. Alzheimer’s is the worst for this because the person is alive but without any kind of meaningful life. I’m not sure why they are kept alive.

Sorry I should rephrase what I wrote, I didn’t want to die but I wanted to crash my car or similar so I’d be incapacitated and wouldn’t be responsible for DM or any of my family anymore. It’s a sign of immense exhaustion.

Do you get anything or any place to go to for some kind of peace or restoration for yourself?

My councillor would ask me what can I do to get some relief. It was a hard question to answer because the brutal truth was most probably death. Even though I didn’t want DM to die. But caring was incredibly sad and exhausting with as you say, never knowing when a phone call would come. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Constantly anxious, time/life suspended.

DB described DM as a millipede as so many shoes did drop…

On the 13th January it will be a year exactly since I had to have DF sectioned I think that's why I'm avoiding visiting him. I feel immense guilt that I had to do that, logically I know I had no choice we desperately needed help but I still feel traumatised from the whole situation. I read back text messages where I was begging for help, was told the emergency MH team would contact us in 48 hours and me texting a week later saying they've still not been in touch.

I had forgotten/blanked out that myself and DM had to lock ourselves in my car for safety because DF had threatened us again. A few days later he tried to burn my face with a lighter.

I'm glad I kept the messages and emails it reminds me how bad it was, how scared of him we were (including professionals who visited saying they felt intimidated). I don't know how long this will go on for but DF looks physically healthy now he's in a home and seems as strong as an ox but mentally he has deteriorated even further.

I guess I'm practising a bit of self care avoiding him, he wants to hug me when I visit, I'm not comfortable with that. DF has never hugged me, even as a child, never said he loves me, now it doesn't feel natural it feels more for his comfort then him doing it because he cares

I've recently read every single response to your original post and am glad you started the thread. I've had four years since my Mum was given a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's and I'm still on this hellish journey. I dread my phone ringing and don't even answer unknown numbers now in case it's about her. I had a difficult childhood with both my parents and had very low contact with them. Alzheimer's has dragged me back to a place I don't want to be and I'm sick of having to sort things out. Power of Attorney is another poisoned chalice as effectively you work for free. I work full time but also do freelance work as an artist. I've had to mostly drop that as I have no time as travelling to my parents is a 3-4 hour journey each way. I've also seriously considered suicide due to the stress of it all as an only child. Other extended family members on my Mum's offer no emotional support whatsoever even though I've posted on Facebook about how stressed I am.
Yes you're absolutely right about doctors throwing everything modern medicine has to offer at the person with dementia. My Mum is now in a care home, has to have everything done for her, is totally unresponsive yet the carers still find ways of shovelling food into her mouth. In the meantime my step dad is at home creating chaos and then expecting me to sort it out.
I hope you eventually manage to recover from what you've been through but I doubt if anyone really does.

My question was directed at @LonelynSad

Yes, you do have the right to comment.
So now you've read more of the thread, what do you make of it?

Yes, just as I have every right to comment on your grammar, or, were I to meet you, comment on your appearance and bodily defects. But when you live in a society there is a time and a place for everything. And a support thread is not the place for your comments. Start a new thread if it means so much to you.

@LonelynSad and your comment let us know your user name is apt.

@SinisterBumFacedCat "These threads!?!" Erm no, this is the first thread I've come across of this genre and the first where someone has said anything like what is in the title. I've every right to comment my opinion just as anyone else does

I had a Google, apparently caring is costing us 4-8 years of life expectancy. Who would want that for their own children? Also women do the main bulk of caring from the ages of 40-69, men pick up the slack at 80+ years old (husbands). I read that to mean that in most cases daughters are doing much more caring than sons, and it’s taking years off us.

I felt like I aged so much due to all the worry and stress.

I’m pretty sure it put me into an earlier menopause. The constant mental physical and emotional demands are exhausting. I really miss DM but I don’t miss the worry. I still can’t believe that she’s gone. We waited and expected it for so long, it’s so odd to for it to have happened. I think there’s something about that delayed expectation that messes with your mind. Perhaps evolutionarily we’re not adapted for extended caring. In the past things took hold pretty quickly I would think? Though death when it comes is never easy and despite the horror of the last 2.8 years, I’m very glad we got that extra time with DM. Despite all the exhaustion and constant sadness and suffering. It just would have been nice to know when it was going to happen. That would have made things easier. It’s the not knowing when it would happen that was the hardest part.

@Kendodd I can completely imagine that caring shortens your life. That history of care giving in your family is so sobering to read. People being pulled down by the responsibility.
@JellyWellyBoots you're clearly doing all you can to look after yourself. What you need is for this to be over. And some people to offer actual help rather than just platitudes. I'm so sorry.
@Tara336 I think going with how your feeling rather than questioning it is often the best thing.
I'm scrunched up on mum's spare bed with a UTI. Hoping she stays asleep for a while so that I can rest. I have had better times.