So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

Well the overwhelming narrative is that the ONLY person that matters is the elderly person needing care. If anyone tries to make space for their needs as well, they're just derided as selfish.

I remember during covid somebody on here saying that brown children die in their thousands around the world and nobody gives a shit, but old white people dying, stop the world! She had a point.

I know in Ireland the govt are justifying the extraordinary level of inward migration by pointing to the elderly population and insisting that it's necessary in order to pay for pensions and elderly care. And yet the younger people can't afford to live, have families of their own to become tomorrow's taxpayers, afford housing. It's all such a mess really.

What we see as unbearable while still fit is probably the norm once elderly and frail. I just hope if all quality of life has gone I will still be able to drink the cool aid. I don't want to spend my last years in misery, pain, confusion, in nappies not knowing who my husband is.
I wouldn't do that to my dogs.
Some of the posts I read are just so sad. I am glad I don't have children to burden if I become that person clinging to every breath in a pain riddled husk.

Well ,MIL has completely had enough, but for religious reasons wouldn’t consider assisted suicide even if it were available. She has an advance directive and DNR and is really clear she doesn’t want any treatment beyond hydration and pain relief if she gets an infection or other health problem. But she’s from a long-lived family and has had a very healthy lifestyle, so unless she catches an infectious disease I don’t see what’s to stop her carrying on until she’s 120. I am beginning to make my own plans for suicide as soon as DD is properly launched into the world: I only feel my life has marginal value as things are and I would rather lose 10 good years than end like MIL.

A couple of years ago DM said exactly what we’re saying about quality of life, unnecessarily prolonging etc. She was in the same position that I am now when she was caring for my grandmother 25 years ago. Now she’s scared of dying even though she’s much frailer and her quality of life is low. As previous posters have said, don’t underestimate the basic survival instinct. We’re hard wired to cling to life.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I remember the full family meeting when mother said, no resuscitation, no intervention, no drugs except pain relief and end of life stuff because I don't want to be a burden darling. Only to find out she reversed it few months later, it was for attention. She would often say she was tired, bored, unhappy, hated us all and ready to go, she had 10 bottles of oramorph/liquid morphine in the bedside table 5x the amount needed to go peacefully to sleep but she hung on to the bitter end.
Me....I would drink the morphine.

Sorry @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew but I actually don’t have much desire to continue my life as it is now and yes I would refuse treatment cancer because I know how horrific some of the treatments are and in some cases they don’t they simply extend your quantity of life. I never see my GP anymore and have absolutely zero faith the NHS.

You’ve absolutely nailed it @CHIRIBAYA . This situation can’t continue but no government seems to have the balls to take it on. My Mum is absolutely wrapped in cotton wool in her care home - everything gets treated and she’s on 1-1 observations because she’s considered a fall risk. I think she’s had a total of three falls and no injuries.

I’d opt for euthanasia as soon as I show signs of being a burden. Even now if I developed cancer I’d refuse treatment as I’d rather die young than face years of dementia as I’m sure my Mum will have passed her Alzheimer’s gene onto me.

That’s really awful @Tara336 and utterly underhand of social services.

I agree. Great post. I was discussing this today with my 90 year old mum Whois still very with it and happy to discuss old age. We agreed society cannot cope with age expectancy having gone up so much

Brilliant post!

So much being sacrificed by younger generations so that someone who has effectively had their life can cling on even longer; how can this be right? Longevity is disastrous socially and environmentally and this is never discussed. Care homes with washers and dryers on constantly and heating cranked up, even in the summer months. Nor do you see it mentioned on threads about difficulties getting GP or dentists appointments; the impact of relentless demand from the elderly, the same old faces at the GP surgery looking for a cure for old age. FIL care home was regularly sending him to A&E for the most trivial things, I swear if he had a split end they would be calling me to let me know the ambulance was on its way; I felt like telling them to piss off, just ring me when he's dead! Sitting there like a pig in shit, he just loved to be waited on by women, like he had all his life prior to getting dementia. My own father had numeous ailments before he died, arthritis, gout, prostate cancer, high blood pressure, cardiovasculal disease, on and on it went. Endless pills and prescriptions all provided free of charge; it is not sustainable - there are neighbours on my road who have been retired for longer than they have worked. We don't have enough young people to fund the cost and some who might be paying into the system via taxation are not working due to mental health because guess what, we don't as a society effectively fund it. Japanese society is on the brink of collapse due to the same issues that we are facing; they now supply more nappies to geriatrics than babies, how fucked up is that. Memories of the trauma of the whole situation with FIL who unfortunately reached end-stage dementia (until you've witnessed that one it is difficult to describe the horror) will give me the courage I need to end my life on my own terms should euthanasia not be an option when my time comes; there is no way I will put my children through what we went through. If people want to cling on until the bitter end go ahead but don't ask me or my children to fund your thirst for immortality.

& yes I've had an assessment from SS's. I wanted support mainly for DD as she's in the middle of this shit show. The lady asked me what I do for 'me' & I just stared at her.

I wish I had the strength to do this, & I was being cheered from the sidelines up until now.

My mother (whom I was estranged from as a child but started making contact about 10 years ago) said I'm choosing to do this and that I need to stop fucking whinging & actually do something about it.

I once dared to open the window, the heat got too much. I got told off.

I'm also sick to death of cleaning the bathroom every single day. He also somehow manages to get water all over the basin and the floor. Every time.
The mess gets me so low, I've always kept my home smelling fresh, I loved coming back from work to a tidy house, those days are long gone. It fucking stinks. Dirty socks on the floor, leaves his toothpicks on the table we eat off, paperwork everywhere, his clothes are all over the floor in his room despite being given drawers. If I mention any of this, there is always an excuse. I am left to do absolutely everything except wipe his arse. The worst part is he takes it completely for granted.
Every single aspect of this situation is driving me to insanity to the point I've actually considered temporarily moving out of my own home. I don't like being here anymore.

What makes this even worse is he did this last year when he was fit and well, came to stay for a couple of weeks and wouldn't fucking leave. 3 months later he finally left. I vowed to never have him stay again.

My mum.has her thermostat set at 28. It's one of the reasons I set a time limit on visits at this time of year. That and the smoking stink mean I always leave with a headache.

And yes ‘dead parent envy’. Never heard it described this way but it is so apt. I definitely have it

“I made my way to DM to update her on what I'd said and SS were on the phone to her basically pressing her to have DF home and she caved and said OK, he was literally dumped at the house with no pants on just joggers and a blanket round him, no meds, no pads and left us to it.”

@Tara336 OMG that’s truly awful! What a hellish way to exist!!! My heart goes out to you

Absolutely agree with @AgitatedGoose you do have to stand your ground, SS can be annoyingly devious. They called me advising DF was ready to be discharged from hospital DM had said she didn't want him home without a care package, so I said no we won't have him back yet until care is in place and I was given a sob story how difficult it will be to sort due to time of year and they would have to transfer him to a different hospital etc I said yep fine do that then (baring in mind he had physically threatened DM on the ward and verbally abused me they knew he was dangerous but wanted him discharged).

I made my way to DM to update her on what I'd said and SS were on the phone to her basically pressing her to have DF home and she caved and said OK, he was literally dumped at the house with no pants on just joggers and a blanket round him, no meds, no pads and left us to it.

TBH I wished we had used the ignoring calls tactic.

I really feel for you @JellyWellyBoots and think you need an exit point as soon as possible. My advice would be to wait until your Dad is in respite and then tell social services loudly and clearly that you are not having your Dad back under any circumstances. You will need to stand your ground as they will undoubtedly try to guilt trip you. I had to take a really firm stance with social services regarding my Mum and this often meant not answering phone calls about her or turning my phone off. They can’t make plans if they can’t get in contact with you and it also gives healthcare professionals a very clear message. It’s not how I wanted to be but the system forces you to adapt this stance or be coerced into a position you don’t want to be in. As other posters have pointed out your Dad could live far longer than predicted and modern medicine seems entirely focused on prolonging life for as long as possible regardless of the quality. Good luck.

28 degrees! That's like midday in Spain, all day and all night!

Oh god, the HEAT. Same here. He complains of feeling cold and demand the heating be cranked up, and god forbid anyone say no to him because the abuse would start again. I have to dress myself and the kids for summer if we visit, and occasionally go to an upstairs bedroom to throw a window open and stick my face out. It just adds to the oppressiveness of the house

Argh.

Yes, the fucking heat.

And the fucking daughter (who didn't live with her) telling me the thermostat had to be set at 28 degrees.
I also had the window wide open in my room, and went up for some respite from the tropics, which the rest of the house resembled.

That relentless heat nearly broke me.

I’m so tired of this. I don’t have it anywhere nearly as bad as you others but I’m sick of it. The nicest day in ages but of course it’s my turn to visit Mum in hospital. She’ll barely remember me being there. It’s me who thinks to check her cupboard and take away her dirty soiled clothing coz my brothers are male and don’t think.
ill have to report back and think of everything and sooonfeed what needs doing like some sort of fecking project manager. It’s me who will act as arbitrator between DD and DH coz he can be a real dick at times, probably coz he’s male.
I’m so fucking done with caring and being responsible for other humans and their emotions and the load of shit we have to deal with coz we are female. Note to other women. Get educated, get a good job where you travel far from home, don’t get married or have kids, have a wide circle of friends and interests, live your life for you and no one else. I’ve never felt so trapped!