So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

@TheShellBeach I think its down to individual attitudes, my DM now she's had a little push has become self sufficient since DF went into care (he is very controlling and destroyed her confidence) but DF is definitely and has always been very very entitled believing that the rest of the family were there to serve his every whim (especially the females) which is why we butted heads as I have no time for that kind of behaviour and refused to be bullied by him. DM keeps saying to me if I get like dad shove me in a home I can't stand the thought of you all running around after me.

I'm now retired and I also don't recognise the description of entitlement which PP has assigned to older people.

I don’t think that holds water. They’ll have grown up knowing their place in the pecking order (give your seat up for adults, don’t butt in when adults are talking etc), they have the weight of their parents having been through the war for their sake (to have been active in even just the last year of the war you have to be at least 97 years old). And once they reached retirement age they’d have been the butt of all the casual ageism on MN and in the country in general.

Think it’s more likely to be simply that as your own needs grow, the less space you have to be concerned about other people’s needs.

So happy for you Jellyboots hopefully you’ll have time to clear your head and think about the future of your family. I do think you’ve had enough and come to the end of your road. Please take care of yourself and your DD.

@JellyWellyBoots Please make the most of the respite when your Dad finally goes. Two weeks really is a very short time so don’t get drawn into visiting your Dad in the home or running backwards and forwards to meet his demands. It’s probably easy for me to say as I had a very difficult childhood but you really need to take a massive step back. I’d block his number for part of the day and do this with the home as well because if they can get hold of you they definitely will. As I’ve said previously I’d seriously consider not having him back.

Thanks for your replies. She has a pendant alarm. Sorry about the typos in my earlier posts, glad to see you understood them!

@JellyWellyBoots the good support workers and social workers know just which buttons to press to get people to he sensible and are worth their weight in gold.

Nobody overrides her wishes unless she doesn't understand what she is taking on.

If she wants to go home and either die there or have repeated hospital admissions, that is up to her. I hope she will accept a pendant alarm so that she can at least call for help.

@PinkBallgown
Hi there.

If the hospital or your aunt try to persuade you to become your mother's carer just refuse.

Grey rock any suggestions that you should sort out a live in carer, too.

Leave it to the people who have issued the decree. Especially your aunt.

She’s 84 btw, got limited mobility and had probably had a stroke as she gets slurry speech and gets muddled when she’s tired. She’s fine first thing in the morning but deteriorates during the day.

Hi, not sure if I should post here or in the cockroach cafe. DM came to stay over Christmas. She has caters who go in every day, a cleaner twice a week and she says her local supermarket runs an OAP scheme whereby she rings in her order and they deliver it to her.

But… my aunt went to stay last week, decided DM wasn’t in a fit state, took her to A&E and now my mum is a bed blocker as she won’t be discharged until a proper care plan is in place, ie a live in career which isn’t going to happen. DM has already said that she won’t leave her house but I live 100 miles away (2 hr drive each way) and I still have a child at school so I can only go up once a week really.

She could come and live with me, but she wont. She could live with my brother (who lives in Ireland) but she wont. When do we over-ride her wishes? 😞

I was thinking about this earlier and this sense of entitlement lots of older people seem to have. I think it's been nurtured their whole lives. They have been told that they're the greatest generation and that younger generations should be grateful and owe them a great deal. Even having children (I think) was looked upon differently when they were younger. There was an expectation that children stay local and look after elderly parents. Anyway, it's no wonder they feel entitled, they've been told all their lives that they are entitled.

My support worker called him today & im not sure what she said but he's agreeable without any resistance, no trying to guilt trip or manipulate the situation.

I was honest & I said when you initially agreed you did it in such a way to make me feel selfish & ridden with guilt, which was unfair. I said he needs to work with us not against us.

If my presence was causing my daughter to become mentally & physically exhausted, to the point she was begging my sister to look after me for a few days, I would go in a heartbeat. I don't understand how someone could happily stay in someone's house knowing how much pressure, stress & disruptiveness they are causing.

Anyway he's going at the end of the week. I'm going to have a massive clean & have a pizza & popcorn night with DD.

@JellyWellyBoots my relative wasn’t a smoker, and the home they were in was also strictly non-smoking.
However staff that were smokers were often to be seen outside of the grounds having a cigarette with a resident in a wheelchair, so maybe thats an option if he wont agree to nicotine patches.

Just adding another voice to the chorus, @JellyWellyBoots

Stands firm. Tell ASS he must go. The cigarette thing is ridiculous.

Pay no attention to your aunt. Once your dad is in the place for respite you're going to wonder how you can possibly manage to have him back anyway.

You're not being selfish. You have a child who also relies on you as well as your mental health to consider.

No doubt if @JellyWellyBoots did break a leg he would complain about the inconvenience to him and aunt would suggest suitable attachments to crutches to carry his cup of tea to him.

*He has gone from agreeing to totally opposing it, to agreeing, then opposing again to 'fine then I'll fucking go, you obviously want rid of me' … I now feel guilty, & selfish.” - as was the intention. You’ve been played.

All the above confirms why I have kept quiet & not told him how much I'm suffering, because he has it a lot worse. Well, maybe … but he’s surrounded by people trying to make it better for him, whereas you have people minimising what you are going through. mental breakdown I had over Xmas - do you really think he is having it worse?

totally out of the blue What would they have said had you broken a leg? That they don’t know where it’s coming from and it’s totally out of the blue?

@JellyWellyBoots Yes I think you have been manipulated in the most unkind way. By your father, aunt and adult social services. Father can use nicotine patches and tbh his addiction is not your problem.
I think I would say you go now for respite and come back in 2 weeks or dont come back at all. Your father, aunt and ss dont get to dictate your life or lack of it as is the case at the moment.
It is easy for me to say because I had a difficult childhood and no longer feel any responsibility to my parents or guilt.
This isnt actually your fathers decision, refuse to take him back until you feel more able to cope, they cannot force you to have him home. They are making decisions that benefit them but you are the one sinking without a lifebelt.

@PermanentTemporary is absolutely right.
Tell him quietly and calmly (if you can manage - I can't always) that the respite IS for you, because otherwise you will no longer be able to care for him. Explain that professional carers have days off because they need it.
Actually I am lecturing you and I know the reality is that it may be hard to say any of this. But perhaps even just reading what we are saying here will help you.
Ignore, ignore the sister. Judgemental yet mysteriously uninvolved relatives are so, so common.

'It's only benefiting me'

That's what respite is. Pretty horrible that he's not interested in benefiting you.

I think the respite is needed due to imminent carer breakdown (tbh you sound like it happened at Christmas).

Can you ring the social worker and say that you are no longer able to care for him at all and they need to find him respite away from you right now?

The nicotine addiction is a medical issue. Let the staff at the respite home and the GP covering it deal with it. It sounds like you need to reduce your responsibilities immediately.

And ignore his sister. Tbf we all deserve someone to moan to. Unless she's offering to have him to live with her, just ignore her.

@JellyWellyBoots the guilt! Oh my the guilt. I know how you are feeling about the guilt but, and I know it’s easier said than done, try to put it to the side and go for the grey rock approach. For your sake as well as your daughters you can’t go on like this.
i can’t think of anything else to offer but I hear you and feel for you xx

Ok so I'm not sure if I've been manipulated here because my heads a total mess.

DF agreed with ASS that respite was a good idea during the assessment.

I get a call saying they are looking for a placement for him.

A placement is found but they don't allow smoking or e-cigarette's anywhere on site. DF is extremely reluctant to go now.
He said it's important to him to be able to smoke his e-cig as it's helped him give up smoking, if that's taken away he said he's not sure how he will cope.

He has gone from agreeing to totally opposing it, to agreeing, then opposing again to 'fine then I'll fucking go, you obviously want rid of me'. He said this isn't what he needs right now, & that's it's only benefiting me.

I now feel guilty, & selfish. I've seen messages on his phone between him & his sister saying how neither of them understand where I am coming from on the need for a respite. & it's 'totally out of the blue'.

My case was escalated to the manager due to a mental breakdown I had over Xmas over the stress & responsibility that caregiving brings, not to mention also being a mother to DD6.

All the above confirms why I have kept quiet & not told him how much I'm suffering, because he has it a lot worse. I've explained that he can return after 2 weeks but I need some time to breathe.

The SS have now offered to come and care for him in my house, which completely defeats the object.

I'm back at work today and he will be on his own all day which was something I was trying to avoid.

Please help.

Yes @MereDintofPandiculation DNR is only used for cardiac or respiratory arrest. It’s why advanced directives are important as you can include treatments you wouldn’t be prepared to have if you lost capacity. I’m not sure how legally binding they are though.

I think DNAR is purely about what happens after cardiac arrest.. It stands for “Do not attempt resuscitation”. It’s very specifically about resuscitation after the heart has stopped.

It is possible to avoid antibiotics if you’ve expressed that wish in writing before you’ve lost your marbles. I’ve had useful “antibiotics or not” conversations with DF’s nursing home. But I think it may depend on the personal views of the person on the other end of the conversation, which, of course, it shouldn’t.