So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

Some of us are retired. I wouldn’t say being in your 70s makes it much easier. What you gain in time you lose in energy

100% this.

DH and I collected our new Motability car last week and just driving 100 miles there and back exhausted us so much that we had to get fish and chips instead of cooking a proper meal, and we went to bed at 8pm.

I would have had trouble imagining such a state of affairs when I was a young woman.

I used to climb many flights of stairs when I was a community midwife, carrying all my equipment, if the lift in the block I was visiting was out of order.

Yes, of course you can, but this thread and others show how hard that can be. (I know it can go the other way too - some people end up retiring or cutting back work earlier than they want to because the juggling gets unmanageable. I know my situation isn’t universal.)

You can refuse to take on caring responsibilities.

Actually another aspect of caring responsibilities is the effect on plans for retirement. I’m in my early 50s in quite a demanding job. All else being equal, I might have thought about going part time and starting to wind down towards retirement in about 10 years when DD is launched (even if she’s still living with us) and the mortgage is paid off. In fact I don’t think I can do that if MIL or my own DM are still alive: the pressure to take on care would be too great, and frankly I’d rather keep working, where I’m valued and contributing worthwhile things, than wreck my health and future by taking on more care.

I was so angry as I had a feeling something would happen Anger is a useful emotion. It helps you stand your ground, and achieve things you thought weren’t possible. No wonder children, girls in particular, are trained not to be angry.

But we all have to work. Some of us are retired. I wouldn’t say being in your 70s makes it much easier. What you gain in time you lose in energy.

@Wineisnottheanswer you are so right, a typical life now is so different to previous generations. I am fortunate to have siblings who all want to work together around DF (my heart goes out to those of you alone or with unhelpful relatives - my siblings keep my head above water).
But we all have to work, we have school age children who need us, and none of us live in the same council or the same NHS catchment areas as DF (or as each other). It makes working with services difficult and it makes emergencies extremely difficult. DF is attached emotionally to a place we’ve all moved away from but when you don’t step outside your front door, what does it matter where you are?! Of course owning a (completely unsuitable for his needs) house also makes everything harder.

@EmotionalBlackmail thanks for sharing this - I agree the reality of using this with employers will be very different from the intention. The whole return to office mandate coming from many employers is already starting to remove flexibility that had been useful. I doubt employers are on board with this.

It'll be interesting to see how the new carers' leave pans out. I've found there is a total mismatch between what elderly person/SS/hospital etc think you can do and what is actually feasible with working.

Rather like the point after one of the lockdowns when schools were asking employers to be flexible with parents of school-age children. Employer was telling us not to worry if our child interrupted a meeting needing help eg opening a snack, meanwhile school thought employers should enable two hours out of the work day to do staggered pickups!

www.carersuk.org/news-and-campaigns/our-campaigns/right-to-carers-leave/

I think it’s all going to get worse. My parents lived their whole lives in the town they were born in about 1 mile from one set of grandparents and 4 from the others. By the time they needed care my parents were 54 and 58. One was retired and the other worked very part time. My aunt has said about my mum living with me. I live 100 miles away and have to work I have no choice

how does that work with the 1 child policy which means that one married couple would be supporting 4 elderly parents with no sibling assistance.

it would also be horrendous to be the elderly parent who is at the mercy of a child who doesn’t get on with them. Also, what happens to the elderly with no children?

I can’t see it working in the UKs culture. Parents are responsible for children until adulthood as they chose to bring them into the world or into their family through adoption. Children didn’t choose to exist or choose their parents, and thus no legal or moral obligation should be created in that direction.

I’d be happy to see a campaign to raise awareness and get us all to plan better for what we want our twilight years to look like. Particularly if we should reach the point of slowly declining mental and physical health.

In Singapore the government gives adult children tax breaks if they live within 300 metres of their elderly parents. They also try much harder with health and try to get their citizens to lead healthier lives. There are a lot more nudges and incentives In Singapore than here. If you think in terms of a health span instead of a lifespan, they try to extend that. The drain on the state of a person with multiple co-morbidities is huge as so many of us know.

I believe in China children are legally responsible for the care of their elderly parents. I could 100% see a law such as this being introduced here to reduce the care burden on the state. I also believe it could well have popular support. People who haven't been there, have no idea.

@JellyWellyBoots I’m so glad that your Dad finally got to the respite home but feel really angry about the additional and totally unnecessary stress you were put through. Please think very, very seriously about having him back. Now your Dad is somewhere safe and being looked after now would be the time to refuse to continue caring for him. You can’t be forced to look after him even though social services will try to guilt trip you.

I've been treated pretty badly from the get go to be honest. People think they can pull the wool over my eyes & I'll just take it & smile.

Thank you all so much for all the supportive & encouraging messages. This thread has really been a life line recently.

Well, that's very interesting.

She backtracked when you put your foot down, and somehow managed to get him there when you told her she would have to look after him herself.

She's incredibly selfish and demanding.

Good for you - she'll know now that you mean business, and not try to manipulate you so much. Hopefully she's learned her lesson!

I'm not so angry with my dad, he gets confused and isn't thinking straight. It's more his sister, who knew how important this was to me as I have asked her more times than I can count to have him stay with her so I can have a break.
Anyway when I told her he would have to stay with her if they didn't make it she then managed to get him there. She wasn't keen on the idea in the first place.

@JellyWellyBoots thank goodness for the that. They don't like you putting your foot down because it inconveniences them, they want you to do as you are told. They don't care that you are inconvenienced because they are selfish.

He's there. Panic over.
Today was a day of stress that I really could have done without.

I mean it could have been completely innocent but I was so angry as I had a feeling something would happen as they said yesterday they will 'try' to be there on time.

Why is it every time I stand firm and put my foot down people have a massive issue and think I'm a nasty old bitch?

If he has got his own key then I’d also consider changing the barrel of your lock, regardless. You would then be in control of if he ever stepped foot inside your house again.

@JellyWellyBoots what a terrible thing to do to you.

I'm sure they planned this.

It's outrageous of them.

I absolutely would turn off my phone, turn out the lights and (in true MN fashion) not answer the door.

I'm raging on your behalf. Honestly, leave this with your aunt to sort out now.

She has made it her problem. Let her sort it out.

Has your DF got his own key? If not I’ll also advocate for going out for the evening and leaving the house secure and dark. Take your DD for pizza and the pictures? You have to have your phone off at the cinema.

Oh love how awful. I would do what he told you to do, go away for the night or weekend. Does he have a key though ? Get him back in there and tell them you’re unwell and can’t have him at home anymore. Absolutely terrible behaviour you deserve so much more.

@JellyWellyBoots. Bless you. I don't think you are being difficult at all. You sound like a magnificent person in an impossible situation. What has happened today is absolutely unacceptable - if at all possible I would use this as the grounding for not having him back at all. You can't go through all this again. Especially being told to fuck off. Appalling.

Sending you many good wishes. I hope things get better for you. You are a good person and the world is a better place because you are in it.

Best wishes to everyone on here who is going through this wretchedness. xx

I think it was deliberate also, I told her if they don't get there in time then she will have to have him for the same amount of time he would have stayed there.

I'm not trying to be difficult but I'm putting my daughter & health first. I've done everything I can but we all have our limits. I don't feel well, as in my body feels like I've run a marathon, my head is so heavy & I just want to cry.

It feels so fucking unfair, all week long we've been trying to arrange this, & then this happens.

Im so beyond done & even considering whether I want to take him back at all after this. Telling me to fuck off after everything I've done for him. All they had to do was show up, I sorted all the rest.

@JellyWellyBoots I'm so sorry. I agree that this was deliberate and probably planned between them in advance as a tactic to evade the respite. I echo @ajandjjmum - try to have a tactic for their planned return. I would anticipate that their next move will be for the sister to drop him off outside the house and drive away immediately, trying to force your hand into taking him back in. If the house is in darkness and there's no-one home (or seeming that way), it might foil their efforts. Also if your phone is off.

I really feel for you. I hope that he will take up the respite even in light of what's happened. You've done more than your fair share and your time and health is very precious. Please look after yourself. xx