So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

Fully agree.
And you need to consider very seriously if you'll have him back at all.

You have a child to look after, as well as yourself.

What @MereDintofPandiculation said. If it's important the home will fall. The rest is just manipulation.

Good. Well done!

Now you need the next step and stop reading them in the first place. If it's a real emergency, it will be the home calling you, ot him, and they will leave an aswerphone message/ phone again repeatedly if you don't pick up or read a text. So you have no need to read anything from him or the home.

I seriously think you should have another week's respite. Your MH is at risk. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for those who depend on you and need you to be well.

Not that I think you ought to be cleaning your house, don't get me wrong.

Listen to @Metoo15 who has nowhere near recovered after a whole six weeks.

JellyWellyBoots That’s perfect then, tell him everyone is recommending a longer stay as he is doing so well there. You don’t sound as if you’ve had a rest at all and as I’ve said before I’m much older than you, and mum has been in the care home six week now and I still feel rubbish.
The mental load is the worst and that’s the thing you’re not getting a break from. It’s awful but it’s not going to get better. You have to make the change happen. Good luck I hope you get a peaceful weekend.

I honestly think you're better off ignoring his messages.

Have you even managed to clean the house yet? I remember that was bothering you.

@TheShellBeach well not really, he said he isn't feeling the benefits at all.
I've had to stop responding to the messages as they are non stop & he's obviously angry with me that he's there.

He said the respite is for him as well

Has he, indeed?
Oh well, then he'll be happy to stay there.

Maybe you should extend his respite - especially as he said it's for him as well?

@TheShellBeach
I'm not ready for his return, I still feel like shit. I've still had to go to work & look after DD so haven't really stopped.
My sister has told him again & again to let me rest & stop asking me to do things but he doesn't listen.
He said the respite is for him as well.

I'm very sorry about your mum, @popularinthe80s

@JellyWellyBoots can you just ignore all his calls. Let them go to voicemail and don't listen to them.

He'll be back in three days. You will have had precisely zero respite.

How do you feel about him coming back, anyway? Are you ready to tell him he needs to stay in the care home? Because you sound utterly broken and desperate to me.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you, thank you. These sane, calm reflections are very much needed this morning. You're right, of course. When my DH pulled up precious seedlings instead of weeds recently, I may have shouted For Fuck's Sake Do I Have To Do Fucking Everything. 😮
I will keep re-reading your message when the black descends.
@JellyWellyBoots you must feel like getting in the car and driving away, anywhere. I recognise in myself the absolute frustration alongside the reluctance to just ignore the phone.
@MereDintofPandiculation 's point about wanting attention is a good one.
What would help you to ignore the phone? I really get it. I've been there. Can you think of something that would help you to ignore it? Remember that he is perfectly safe.

You’re going to have to sacrifice your phone for the rest of the week. Yes, you’ll come back to a week of demands, but you’ll be prepared.

Respite while caring for a DD is a challenge. My thoughts are with you.

He only seems to message me when he needs something. Maybe he feels he shouldn’t bother you, but wants your attention and is therefore creating “emergencies” so that he can message you? Don’t let it change your actions.

@popularinthe80s Don’t worry, we’re quite used to people venting and disappearing, we’ve probably done it ourselves.

She's said many loving things in the run up, but at the moment (no sleep etc) it feels as if her last words are the final verdict on my character DH is right, they’re the words of someone who “isn’t themselves”. Think back to when you had flu, or were in the middle of childbirth, or had just seen DH carelessly drop a tray full of your favourite china - would you like to be held to anything you said then?

When my DM died, at first I could remember only her last year. But as time passed, everything else came back into focus, and her last year receded into the background. You will eventually find all the previous loving things resume their rightful importance.

Meanwhile, don’t dwell on it. Remember that the best way to commit something to memory is to keep going over it in your head, so do the opposite. Drag your thoughts to something else every ti me it drifts into your head.

Jesus Christ guys, I need to vent.

It's my day off today, last Friday was ruined by the stress of DF messing about & potentially loosing his space at the care home.

I wake up to a list of demands, why didn't I tell him about an appointment I told him about, he needs his medication picking up & dropping to the other side of town, am I taking him out on Sunday, etc etc.

He's been told enough times I am on RESPITE. He only seems to message me when he needs something. I told him to ask someone else, anyone else.

Why oh why can't I have one single day? Then DD wouldn't get ready for school, 5 or 6 times I had to ask her to PUT YOUR HAT AND GLOVES ON but she just stood by the door like she hadn't heard me. That finished me off, I think I'm done with humans for the day.

I'm so sorry; I spewed out my self-pity and then disappeared. Things have rapidly declined with my mum & palliative care think she has only days left. After months of wanting it over, I'm now broken that it's over. I'm a mess.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew the work situation with your partner sounds horrendous. The pair of you must feel utterly broken. Work institutions can inflict deep trauma. I'm so sorry.

@MereDintofPandiculation
@AInightingale I really empathise; it's taken me months to stop hovering around the carers because I think something will get missed and then I will end up needing to do it anyway. @SeriouslyAgain @Kendodd and @MereDintofPandiculation and others speak great sense.
@JellyWellyBoots I'm so glad that you are having your rest at the moment.
Someone upthread spoke powerfully of the expectations on women as universal support human. I have realized that I actually feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
After a lifetime's worth of a complex relationship, my mum's last words to me were harsh and unkind. She's said many loving things in the run up, but at the moment (no sleep etc) it feels as if her last words are the final verdict on my character. I'm heartbroken and desperate for her to wake up and say something loving again that will wipe this verdict away. My partner (clinician) is trying to reassure me that she has no idea what she's saying. But she's still communicating reasonably clearly with the carers. What more could I have given her? It wasn't enough. Oh, bugger it all.

(I first joined the cockroach cafe because I was unblocking my mum's toilet on a Saturday afternoon Ooh, I remember that!

Yes, the care home should be coping with almost everything. I’ve not had more than half a dozen calls in the five years. The manager said to me “we’re his family now”, by which she meant “we’re his care givers, we’re the people he turns to when he needs anything”. Even if we missed the “end of life” call it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him - he’d still be surrounded by living people.

Yes, you’re ok for a week anyway! Would be irresponsible to take an elderly person out in this weather.

I've had no choice but to make myself 'unavailable' this week. I used to find it difficult to say no & end up doing things I didn't want to do for people.
I've put my foot down and stood firm, I've made a few enemies along the way however. People don't like me when I set boundaries, and I think that's because I've never really put any across, until now.

@AInightingale If your Mum’s care home are phoning you about trivial stuff then you really need to set some boundaries and tell them to stop doing it. I’d imagine most of the problems are what they should be sorting out rather than dumping on you. The worst thing you can do with hospitals and care homes is to be constantly available the end of a phone. Unless your Mum is considered end of life I’m sure you could leave your phone at home or block their number whilst you have an hour or two to yourself.

@AInightingale
I know from bitter experience how hard it is not to constantly be available to everyone (I first joined the cockroach cafe because I was unblocking my mum's toilet on a Saturday afternoon 😂) but....
My dad used to tell me 'Everyone is expendable' which seemed really rude (he was a rude old bugger!) but actually it can be seen in a positive way, and the last couple of months I've tried a lot harder to live by that rule.
It might be worth not always being available. What difference would 30 minutes make? If it's very very urgent, they'll call back. If it isn't and they don't, maybe try and leave it for a little while before you call them?
(just a thought - and I don't know whether I'm actually suggesting that to me not you😂)

I doubt I'd they'll have trips out in this snow.

MereDintofPandiculation. Thank you never thought about that, maybe they will have trips out in the warmer weather.