So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

Update -

Thank you for the kind & concerning messages. I bought him some takeout instead of going anywhere, I really couldn't have managed him especially with DD.
We sat and talked for a couple of hours until he started getting sleepy.
My heart breaks for him, I've been so busy being angry & resentful that I'm losing sight of what's important.
Part of me wanted to pack his things & take him home, but I know I can't.
I know this journey will be over soon but I'm not ready to let go.

Yes, in general, I myself don't believe in dragging out an elderly person's life with piles of medication, and especially with antibiotics.

That isn't what most of us meant in relation to Jelly and her dad, though.

No, of course, I see you're right. I was talking generally though.

Honestly, I wouldn't even attempt to take him out. It's all very well someone saying he's (your dad) is prepared to take the risk, but that's far too much to ask of you. Getting someone frail in and out of a car is bad enough but if they fall it's very hard to get them back up again without injuring yourself in the process.
If he did fall, you'd likely be looking at hours before an ambulance can come and help, then hours in A&E.

I lost my Dad years ago and I don't really remember what we did in the last few weeks. I remember further back when he was well.

@JellyWellyBoots
I don’t know you and will never meet you but I am so worried about you.
Please do not take your dad out listen to all of the other posters and prioritise yourself and your DD.

@ADCisntme how is your mum, and how are you doing?

No I wouldn’t be taking him out either. How is he after failing he’ll be shaken up if nothing else. You can still spend time with him but safely in the home. How would you manage , would your daughter be there too ? it’s too risky, and probably wouldn’t be a good memory in the long run.
Please try not to feel so guilty, I know how hard that is but you’ve nothing to feel guilty about honestly. Good luck.

Thing is, regarding taking them out being too dangerous, kind of, so what!

@Kendodd you've missed the point. @JellyWellyBoots is exhausted and her dad is in respite for a week, and he is guilt-tripping her into taking him out, when she should be resting.

Jelly when is he due back? Are you even having him back? Because the respite is up now, pretty much, and you have had no rest whatsoever.

I've been a mixture of angry and sad, reading your posts since this thread started.

Exactly. We are a 'difficult' family who fight the care home to stop treating, stop prolonging mum's life but also to make the remaining part as enjoyable as possible. I don't pursue 'safety'. But I do prioritise my own wellbeing, and I think Jelly should too.

@JellyWellyBoots

Don't risk taking him out.

If he falls (highly likely) you'll be stuck waiting for many hours, while an ambulance comes. And if he then refuses to go with them, then what? Or if he does go, how long will you have to wait in A & E? Hours? All night? While your child is at home, with whoever is looking after her?

Think about this scenario.

And also think about why your dad is in the care home.

Respite.

Except it hasn't been.

Because in this particular situation, Jelly is being guilted into caring for her dad when she already has a difficult relationship with him. He’s supposed to be in respite care to allow her to have a break. Having a public fall that requires an ambulance call and all the associated drama would be the exact opposite of a respite break.

Thing is, regarding taking them out being too dangerous, kind of, so what! My friend had a big argument with the care home her dad was in. They only wanted to feed him liquid food (that he didn't want) friend and dad thought he should eat proper food, as he wanted, and were willing to accept choking risk. Likewise, going out (he might fall...) my friend and her dad both accepted the risk. The care home wanted him always there, in bed, eating through a straw, and having every vaccine and course of AB going. Her dad wanted to smell the flowers and taste the food,

And if he falls at the lunch?

How about taking him a really tasty picnic lunch and eating it together?

I see this patch of my mum's life as a tiny part of a long life. I'm doing the best I can at the moment which means in general weekly visiting. But if I'm too ill or exhausted to go, then I won't. That's why she's in a care home.

Where is his sister? Is she visiting? I hope she's not taking him out because it really doesn't sound safe.

I imagine all your emotion around the whole situation of your dad’s illness but him being impossible to live with etc is probably manifesting itself as guilt at the moment. It’s ok to have these feelings but feeling this way doesn’t make you guilty - of anything.

Do you have a mental image of a lovely cosy pub lunch somewhere, and creating a nice memory? Is it realistic? Particularly if he’s getting so frail and wobbly on his feet, how would you manage that in public?

Equally he could last another six months. My relationship with MIL is much more straightforward than yours with your dad - she’s never been anything but kind and welcoming to me in the 30 years I’ve known her, and she was a loving parent to DH and BIL - but she looked as though she was about to die 5 years ago, is still here and could die tomorrow or live another 5 years. We decided a while ago that we couldn’t keep living as though every week might be her last and prioritising her over everything else in our lives.

it’s your choice, of course. I don’t want to be another person browbeating you! But you matter too, and your DD matters.

Another fall this morning, he's declining very fast. I definitely made the right choice putting him into a care home, im very small & weak & struggle to pull the hand-break up in my car so there's no way i would be able to lift him if he fell.
He could be gone in a few weeks & I don't want to look back & wish I'd taken him out that one Sunday because 'I was tired'. The guilt is eating me up alive.

I completely agree with funnelfan. @JellyWellyBoots , if you won’t take care of yourself for yourself (which you absolutely should) can you frame it as needing to limit what you do for your dad so you can be well and strong for your DD? She’s still little and needs a mum who isn’t out of her head with stress. You do not have to take your dad out for lunch! Say you’re not well if you need to make an excuse- it’s perfectly true.

Taking DF out for lunch tomorrow,

kindly, but why?

Jelly, you know it’s ok to say no don’t you? You don’t have do do this, you don’t have to have him back. You want your dad to be safe and looked after and comfortable but that doesn’t mean it has to be you that does it

My positives are - my DD loves me even though I'm completely miserable and boring at the moment. I thought we would be having days out with all this freedom but I've barely managed to even cook one decent meal.

The tiredness & stress have turned into anxiety, which now comes on whenever.

Happiest when I'm in bed at the end of the day and the house is silent. I'm also at my most happy when eating a bowl of honey cheerio's.

Did a food shop with DD today & it was nice and simple, quick easy meals to get us through the weeks.

Taking DF out for lunch tomorrow, not sure how that will go as apparently he had a fall today & it took 5 people to pick him up. This is worrying as he is declining & I don't see how I can manage when he comes home.

We have a tiny kitchen. After living here for years, we realised today that we could buy a wall hanging basket for the fruit and vegetable, and thus gain some extra counterspace. A very exciting day for us!

Japanese! I hope to go to Japan one day.