So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

Thank you, everyone.
@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew , that's simply wonderful news for your DD.
@Valleyofthedollymix god yes, the hour-by-hour, sometimes minute-by-minute uncertainty - it gnaws away at you. The relentless anticipation of, and mental rehearsal of, potential futures. It's awful. I'm really glad that that's over for you with your father. My every sympathy for you as it continues with your mother. It's torturous.
@Ilikeyoursleeves I'm glad that you still get some comfort from this thread. I may continue to lurk, too. I would like to think that I might be able to offer solidarity to those still mired in it.

PS absolutely thrilled for daughter of @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew - your household really deserved some good news. Now I'm praying that the probate and sale all goes through smoothly...

@popularinthe80s it's condolences from me too and not, if you see what I mean.

I was surprised how much relief I felt when Dad died, I thought I'd feel a bit, but I didn't realise how much the weight of uncertainty was oppressing me. His death allowed me to love him again, which I know sounds illogical given that he was now dead, but my feelings were no longer pulverised by the mass of practical questions and the enormous leaden question mark hanging over us.

I really hope you'll be able to go through all the messy grieving process as well as you can. I think it's lovely that you could come on here and tell us (and show humour re. the dead parent envy).

It is the uncertainty I realise that is the worst. If you told me that my mother had five years, I'd think, right, let's do this and enjoy it and squeeze the best from it. Let's financially plan, let's work out what she gets enjoyment out of, let's have the important conversations.

But I just keep thinking, god it could be up to two decades and I'll be ancient and a husk.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew Lovely news ! Makes a change to hear something positive.

@popularinthe80s I'm sorry (and also not sorry) to hear about your mum. It's the end of a long road for you and perhaps many mixed emotions. Relief may be one which is why I'm not sorry. I hope the next days, weeks and months are OK and you can find yourself again. I'm still on this thread here and there and my dad died in Sept so keep using it if it's helpful. ❤️

That's exciting Stiffy!

@popularinthe80s I hope in the next few days you find peace and adjust to the changes

Oh popular so sorry. We don’t know how we’re going to feel until it happens, but however that is, just feel it anyway it’s all normal. You must be so tired, take care of yourself.

Thank you so much, all of you. Your words really touch me.

I’m sorry @popularinthe80s

@popularinthe80s your cliff top analogy sums it up perfectly. 😢

Thinking of you, take care of yourself. ♥️

@popularinthe80s I am very sorry indeed to read that your mother has now died. I can well imagine the feeling of running over a cliff edge, keeping your feet going and finding empty air beneath them.

Sending love to you.

RIP Popular's Mum.

In time, the fact that you did everything you could will bring you some comfort. Look after yourself.

@popularinthe80s look after yourself and be prepared to feel like you are still on a roller coaster for a while.

So sorry @popularinthe80s. Whatever you feel right now is OK, and understandable. Be kind to yourself and sending you the strength to get through that horrible limbo period between now and the funeral.

Good morning, everyone. I have sadly- relievedly? graduated from this thread. My darling, infuriating, fierce, loving, stubborn little mum has died. I feel as if I have been running as fast as I can along a cliff edge and suddenly found empty air beneath my feet. I'm heartbroken and wanting all of it back, exactly as I knew I would be. I think the relief will kick in eventually.
This thread has been vital to me. Thank you so much, all of you who have shared your honest feelings - where else could we do this? I'm so sorry that you're still in the thick of it. I'm thinking of you all. And it's okay to have Dead Parent Envy.

Sounds like FIL. They did have carers 4 x a day but MIL was 24 hour hard work and should really have been in a care home but he wasn't having any of it despite his own serious health issues. He also had the option of respite breaks that he refused to use and later had an allowance to cover 8 hours a week sitting service for him to go to appointments/ have a break but again he didn't use it. Then you would get him crying down the phone that he never got a break. Even when he had oncology appointments at a hospital an hour away he expected not only 1 family member to take him (fine, inconvenient but understandable and workable) but a second to go and stay with MIL even though the budget was there for a carer.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

I totally empathise, it is so hard.

I had a similar situation with my StepF refusing help (wouldn't entertain ANY care for my Mum at all) because 'she has 3 daughters'... 🤨
One (me) lives 3.5 hrs drive away, one is NC & the other works all the hours God sends, to pay her mortgage as she's on her own.

He would then kick off about how he was 'running on empty', 'who cares for the carers', he was 'burnt out, on his knees'.

I don't doubt he felt like that but he wouldn't accept help! 🙄

Eventually a crisis meant Mum being admitted to hospital & from there a rehab hospital & then nursing home until she died.

Not sure what you can do, except keep repeating about using the carers. 👍

We have established today that DF will be kept comfortable at the home and not treated if he develops another infection. I was strangely on the verge of tears as we were discussing it which is odd as we have had the conversation a few times with various Dr's. I guess this feels a but final now. Apparently they are concerned he is in danger of developing cellulitis and so will be kept on long term antibiotics (surely that's not ideal? He will develop resistance?)

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew He may find his life intolerable, but he’s refusing help and trying to pass the burden to you. Keep reminding him of the help he’s refusing, and be firm in setting your boundaries. Don’t be explicit as to why you can’t drop everything, because that just leads to discussions about why what you’re doing isn’t important

@JellyWellyBoots I don’t know if this will help or not, but when my parents were dying and I was in the thick of it, I was having a bad spell and one of their friends said to me that this is how nature works, it makes them quite frankly a bloody nuisance so when they do die, and you’ve not got all the horrible jobs to do, and all the stress that goes with it…the grief doesn’t seem quite so bad as it could be.
Hang in there - and don’t be surprised if it isn’t over as quick as you’re thinking. I can’t remember how many times we were told its last few days, only for them to rally. Look after yourself.