So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

@popularinthe80s I've only just read your post. So sorry

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I didn't take in the figure the first time round. That's wonderful!

@Metoo15 It's difficult. It's taken me just shy of 5 years to start getting rid of my father's things. And I still feel a bit bad about it. I haven't come to terms to how to deal with his father's undergraduate textbooks - very important to my father but not to me (he died when I was 7, and wasn't a presence in my life)

Does your friend not know that, whatever you may secretly think, first rule of friendship is that you accept that your friend is feeling what she says she's feeling, and do not try to tell her it's not as bad as all that? Because even if you think it's be easier, you are not your friend, and you will not react in the same way.

But if theirs is long, rather than hitting Quote, use @Metoo15 to attract their attention, then copy and paste the bit you're replying to, and put a * immediately in front of it and behind it (no spaces) to put it in bold.

@PermanentTemporary Do the care home listen to your views or take what you say on board? My Mum is like a breathing corpse - unresponsive, doubly incontinent and needs absolutely everything doing for her. We never had a great relationship but I wouldn’t wish her life on anyone. It’s obvious that she doesn’t want to eat but the care staff tap her mouth with a spoon to produce a reflex action and then shovel food in. She gets all the vaccines as well and of course everything is treated. I wish they’d just stop.

@Tara336 two days after my father died my mother hissed at me with venom 'you broke my heart when you stole my car'. And I should have said, gosh I'm sorry, it must be so hard not having a car, how frustrating for you.

Obviously that's what I should have said, but I was actually so angry that I stood up and walked out as I was worried otherwise we'd be planning a double funeral. My mother can't walk, has a live-in carer, can't remember where she lives, really quite advanced dementia, her friends were calling me up demanding that I take away the car. I sold it right at the peak of the secondhand market for 16k - a stupid little car that did 10 miles a week and was covered in bumps and scratches from the bad driving!

Yet still she maintains, 'Valley stole my car'. And the friends who weren't ringing me up demanding I get rid of it, keep telling me 'oh your mother's so upset about the car'.

Arggggh.

Aah thank you. You learn something new everyday even at my age 🤣

Thank you, everyone.
@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew , I promise you that it does end, though I often doubted it myself and wondered if my poor little mum would end up being driven to my own funeral.
@Valleyofthedollymix , you most certainly are my people.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew This is brilliant news for your daughter. I’m so pleased for you.

So like this, @Metoo15

@Metoo15

BTW did you know that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work?
To respond to someone, click on the three dots and select Quote.

@popularinthe80s Sorry to hear about your Mum and I can image the mixed emotions you’ve experiencing. It will take time to process everything and your going to have loads to sort out. Take time to
breath and look after yourself.

Tara336. How difficult for you, the guilt is just terrible I really do understand. How can it be possible to have enough shoulders to lean on never mind the head space. It’s all too much.

TheShellBeach. Unhelpful friend thought it was much easier for us now as there was less emotion involved, believe me there’s plenty of emotion this way too. I’m just having a bad day.
Trying to do too much as usual. Some of the family that mum wants to see were supposedly going to see her yesterday, but called off at the last minute because they had just woken from a nap, you couldn’t make it up.
I spent all yesterday clearing her flat and loads of her admin , but I’m still useless, only the napping lot are any good 😡

@Metoo15 I understand how your feeling yesterday I sold DF car, he would be devastated and very angry if he knew but he will never drive again and won't be coming home so will never know. It was his pride and joy and would tell anyone and everyone about it so parting with it is not easy and I'm glad SIL has arranged to be there when it goes to comfort DM. I dont have the headspace for being a shoulder to lean on for her as I'm finding all this hard enough as it is.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew that is wonderful news!! So pleased for your DD

@popularinthe80s I'm so very sorry for your loss, sending you hug (not mumsnetty but on this thread we do things different)

@StStiffyByngsDogBartholomew
Good news for your daughter. And good to get an inheritance at the start of adulthood when it can really make a difference and make your whole life easier.

Oh dear. That sounds difficult.
What did your unhelpful friend say?

Amazing news 😍

Sorry for your loss. Hope you have love and support around you x

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew fantastic news about the inheritance! And it WILL end one day. I agree with the others that it's the uncertainty that is the absolute worst part. I was convinced my dad was immortal and just sit in his care home for all eternity. I would wonder how on earth he would actually die since he never went out, was protected from falling, got medicine at the hint of illness.

4 months on and I am finally learning to 'be' rather than run about 'doing' all the time. It still feels very strange to have my weekends back but it is good not to have the constant guilt that I'm not doing enough.

I only went to see my dad's grave the other week, the first time since the funeral. It's in the the town we grew up in and where he lived and that took the entire day to travel to and back. It was only recently I had the strength to face that journey again.

Sending hugs to all those going through it, and also to those on the other side now x

well i’m actually going round in circles here ! I’ve given notice on mums flat so I have about 3 weeks to clear everything and though it’s only a one bed flat there’s a lot of stuff !
Mum won’t accept that she needs to stay in the care home and that her flat needs to be cleared, it’s a nightmare, she’s refuses to speak to me as I don’t know what I’m on about and she doesn’t trust me, and has asked that all her other family visit , she means my two adult kids and her brothers family that’s all there is.
Meanwhile I’ve emptied some drawers and been to the tip as there’s nothing that anyone wants. Loads of things to charity. But I’m so upset, its bad enough clearing a house but under these circumstances it’s just awful.
It would be an easier task if she’d passed away, still heartbreaking for me, but lots easier for her. I’ve just tried explaining this to a friend but she doesn’t agree. Whatever next.

oh yes @popularinthe80s and all other graduates - you absolutely have to stick around this thread. We are your people.