So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

Thank you. Maybe I should have a word with the Dr if this continue, see if she could have something to calm her, she’s sleeping most of the day and then awake through the night goodness knows what she’s feeling like then.

@Jellycats4life The recommended approach is to just say they’re out shopping or whatever.. Less depressing than repeatedly being told a loved one has died. I’m afraid yesterday I told my dad his dad had died (I couldn’t face an afternoon of making up stories) he then wanted to know all the details of the funeral - I don’t know! It was nearly 70 years ago and I wasn’t there. But Dad has long since stopped being upset by people dying.

@Metoo15 don't keep trying to get her to remember about people who are dead.

It's cruel. It's like they're hearing it for the first time, over and over again.

Just pretend the dead person is away for a few days.

If your mother asks to see them, tell her the car is in the garage, and you'll take her tomorrow.

She won't remember, but she'll feel calmer about it.

That's so tough Metoo15.
There's no telling how things will go. I wish there were. But I think for many there isn't one steep decline so much as decline/level out/decline/level out etc. And then sometimes the odd rally (my mum has done this a few times where she has appeared near death and then been fairly well within 24 hours.)
It's exhausting and can only really be helped by having the right kinds of calming or pain-relieving medications when necessary and trying to keep their environment as calm and familiar as possible. Also just going along with any (false) beliefs as long as they're happy ones. So no point constantly re-telling someone about their loved one's death if it's been forgotten. Just go along with their belief that the person's alive.

A friend told her mum her dad had gone to visit his brother for a few days when she kept asking after him. She hated the brother so it made her happy to think he'd gone on his own.

It sure is horrible, the way the mind works is so cruel. If it carries on I might have to invent a story of where dad is. It’s difficult because she’s in and out of confusion so don’t know what would be more kind to her.
I’ve also had the kidnapped scenario, masked men and lifts on fire so no escaping either poor things.

She said last night someone had told her my dad had died, was it true bless her he’s been dead fourteen years.

Oh, this is difficult isn’t it? I remember my Mum had to tell my grandmother over and over that Grandad was dead. She wouldn’t stop asking where he was. Eventually she started saying he’d popped to the shops and would be back soon. It was less distressing that way.

Although sometimes a confused brain will make up a story to try to make sense of it all. One time, Nan said that Grandad had sent her a letter saying that he’d dumped her. That was the only way she could justify his absence.

Now another family member has rapidly worsening dementia (alcohol related) and he thinks he’s been kidnapped and can’t understand why the police aren’t out looking for him. In reality he moved house a couple of years ago and he doesn’t recognise his wife.

Hi. Feeling a bit lost so thought I’d see what you ladies think. Mum started having angina pains again last week, hasn’t had them for a while. Now this week, she’s very confused, hardly eating and can’t walk because she’s too dizzy. They’ve tested for UTI and chest but no infections.
She knows she’s confused mostly and is getting very anxious and upset about it.The care home don’t seem concerned, suppose they’ve seen it all before, but it’s all new to me.
Is this how it goes, a sharp decline. Just hoping it doesn’t go on long, awful seeing her upset. She said last night someone had told her my dad had died, was it true bless her he’s been dead fourteen years.

@AgitatedGoose my DF is funded by the LA because of being sectioned. We did go through the possibility of self funding and was advised if there is a apouse/partner/dependent in the home it won't be taken I to consideration. If the dementia is quite bad and there were certain medical conditions, again the LA may fund. I did know all the terms and details but can't remember them now but easily found online.

I have joint POA with DM but she's now stepped up and dealing with it all thank goodness because last year she was dependent on me doing it and she couldn't cope. I've said now DF is in a home (which I sorted) the day to day stuff is not my problem.

I learnt very quickly that SS etc will dump everything on you if you show even a small inclination to help so when DF moved to the home I told them not to call me unless it was life or death

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/disclaim-a-lasting-power-of-attorney

You may have a let out. If your dad has a will, the house can’t be sold until someone has probate. You could renounce being an executor if named as one, you can stop acting as attorney for your mother (called “disclaiming”). The LA will find some way to sort it if they want their money.

Thanks @TheShellBeach and @Tara336.

I definitely want to step back and shouldn’t have agreed to take on the POA stuff. The problem is if I resign from this there’s no one else to take it on. I suspect my step father will die first as he’s older so I will be left trying to sell their bungalow in an area where there’s loads of similar properties on the market. My Mum will be self funding in her nursing home once my step father dies and I don’t want the local authority sending me care home bills whilst I’m left trying to get rid of a place that looks poorly maintained. I won’t even be able to sell it for well below the market value as the LA will regard that as deprivation of assets.

@AgitatedGoose I've been through this too, it's exhausting, I have still lots to organise and clear but I've set myself targets and I'll will achieve those things by the end of the year. The saga of sorting DF out last year left me with little free time and I'm just not going to allow that to happen again. It's hard when you feel taken for granted but stepping back seems to be working for me. I've already sold DF car this year and that goes this weekend, I just need to have a new garage door fitted before existing one decapitates someone, clear loft and the aim is decorate another 2 rooms at DM House (I won't be physically doing it this time just arranging).

Can you just step back and stop doing it? Bearing in mind you get no gratitude?

I’ve spent over six hours this month registering a power of attorney with my parents bank and putting my step fathers substantial savings into an account paying a higher rate of interest, sorted out an urgent repair needed on their property and organised a gardener because the garden is a mess. As a result of this I’ve missed a deadline for something I wanted to apply for. My step father was utterly ungrateful when I phoned to tell him, moaned about the cost of the repairs and gardener and then got irate when he mentioned something Mum’s nursing home want doing and I said it would have to wait until I returned from a much needed holiday. I’ve no doubt he’ll cancel the gardener. My step father saves in excess of £500 every month and both parents never once supported me through university or at other times in my life when I was struggling. I really wonder why I’m bothering to do anything.

@Metoo15 your absolutely right, I fought so hard for him to be moved only for him to phone me tell me I was "fing useless" because it wasn't happening fast enough. He is now not allowed to call me. I did say when he moved that I'd done my best and now I will put myself first (he certainly doesn't) same as you I could go tomorrow and get another version again. I don't know what's worse the version that cries or the version that abuses me, either way its just too much sometimes especially as I k ow he doesn't care if I go or not he's only interested in DM visits

It’s a difficult decision but I think you’re right. You’ve done all you can and things will only get worse. You could always ring and check up on him. I’ve just phoned mums care home tonight, they’ve said she absolutely fine chatting away to people. See what I get tomorrow 🙄

@Metoo15 I've decided I'll visit once a month, time is meaningless to DF and its all I can cope with.

I thought he was going to harm me again on Friday, he doesn't want to talk to me unless it's about getting him home, before that it was about getting him moved. It's all about him, he's never asked if we are ok, if DM is managing its always about him and how he feels and what he wants. He told me its been two years since he was taken to the home, its been a year 8 months in the MH unit when he was sectioned for being dangerous and 4 in the home that I moved heaven and earth ti get him too.

@Metoo15 the reality is that nothing you say or do will be acceptable from now on.
It's very unfortunate.

Tara yes it’s so difficult. I’m always anxious before I visit, then usually come home disappointed because I don’t feel I’ve seen mum at all, just this other person that I barely recognise, then just hope that I’ll get lucky next time.
Mum had been having chest pain on Friday and said she wanted to go into hospital and away from this horrible place. When I explained that she’d just had seven week in hospital and couldn’t wait to leave she said I was ridiculous and knew nothing ! And since then she’s all I’ve been able to think about, i’ll be going again tomorrow.

@Metoo15 I can understand you saying you don't know how your DM will be when you visit, my DF is the same.

We either have the non verbal version who just points and nods or the mean version who does nothing but moan and make spiteful comments.

I know there's no logic to dementia but when I visited Friday DF was able to speak and he wasted it having a go at me and telling me to call his MP to get get him out the place, what I would have liked us for him to instead while he was "with us" was to talk and actually say he loves me etc

@JellyWellyBoots it breaks my heart to read about your sense of guilt
(& I share it, for my little mum)
The point made above, that there would always be another thing that you could have done - this is so true
You gave all you had. More than you had.
Deep down, your father knows that.

@JellyWellyBoots Please don't feel guilty. You did everything you could for your Dad and from your posts I can imagine how difficult it was especially when you have a daughter and need to work. It sounds like your Dad has complex and multiple needs which require a whole team of people to look after him. Although he might not like the home he's in the best place. It's also possible he's very settled and happy when you're not there.

Jellyboots. I really feel for you, I feel exactly the same. My mum has been in a care home eight weeks now and it’s getting slightly easier. I never know how she’s going to be until I get there which I’m finding very hard.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about it is soul destroying. I’m sat here now after spending a couple of hours at her flat sorting through mounds of clothes, how I’m going to deal with her this afternoon when I show her which ones I have left for her, in one box because that’s all she has room for, it’s horrible.
The fact is there’s always something to feel guilty about. You have to be kind to yourself, do something you used to enjoy with your daughter that’s really what your dad wants for you

@DutchCowgirl , sitting at the bedside was a particularly horrific experience. I'm trying to forget, I hope you manage to.

@JellyWellyBoots , I dont imagine theres many people, who have lost someone and doesnt feel guilt about the time they were too tired to do some small thing.
Just try to keep your head above most of the waves most of the time. Its all anyone can do.