Page 14 | So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 2023-12-21T11:26:47+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1]] Carrying on from our original discussion

Original poster

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 09/02/2024 20:14

JellyWellyBoots · 09/02/2024 18:47

I'm also being blamed for calling her too late, so she didn't get to see him before he died. That's my fault apparently. People can be so heartless.

Thank you all for the kind messages x

Oh you poor thing. I suspect however that you are simple the channel for her grief, and are the only person she can express her grief at not seeing him to. People become so lost in grief that not only can they not express their feelings, they are often unable to even recognise their own feelings and can only direct them at others. I imagine your aunts grief is the cause and the blame and desire for thr dog is thr symptom. Unfortunately this has resulted in you copping the flack but your aunt is mourning her brother and faced with the inevitable reality that she is now top of the pile to be next. This makes people behave badly, not maybe out of choice but born from grief and guilt so she cannot see the right way to behave.

grief, like love, makes us do the wacky

OP posts:

NefretForth · 09/02/2024 19:31

I’m so sorry, Jelly. Try not to give his sister headspace (easier said than done,I know). Look after yourself

moggerhanger · 09/02/2024 18:47

Oh Jelly, I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself - you have gone above and beyond for your father, anyone can see that. Big hugs from me.

JellyWellyBoots · 09/02/2024 18:47

I'm also being blamed for calling her too late, so she didn't get to see him before he died. That's my fault apparently. People can be so heartless.

Thank you all for the kind messages x

SeriouslyAgain · 09/02/2024 17:43

Oh JellyWelly I'm so sorry.
And having people being difficult at this time is just the icing on the crap cake.
You've done an amazing job with your dad, and other people are just being ridiculous. Try to shut the conversations down because you need to just look after you, not be dealing with sister and best friend interfering.
Sending you best wishes.

TheShellBeach · 09/02/2024 17:15

@JellyWellyBoots Did your dad mention his wishes for the dog to you while he was alive?

If not, I'd be inclined to keep her.

JellyWellyBoots · 09/02/2024 17:01

As if his death wasn't hurtful enough, I am now being told it was his 'dying wish' that I give his dog to his sister.
My auntie has gone as far as contacting my fathers best friend, whom took it upon himself to say 'don't you think you should respect your fathers wishes'.
This dog is the only bit of dad I have left, he hasn't been gone even 48 hours.

I love his dog, she brings me comfort. Why am I being manipulated? Why can't they let me grieve?

RescueRespect · 09/02/2024 13:51

JellyWellyBoots · 08/02/2024 17:58

I can't believe I'm writing this.
My father died an hour ago, I said goodbye only an hour and a half ago. I kissed him goodbye in the hospital. I said don't die yet dad, I'll be back in the morning.
He developed sepsis last night overnight, today will stay with me until the day I die.

I feel numb, but sad, exhausted.

Me and my sister were with him all day, I didn't think it would happen so fast. I was meant to go and see him last night but I was too unwell. He called me & I was too tired to talk. Now I can never call him or go and see him again.

What a shock. I am sorry things ended this way for you. Sending hugs x

Original poster

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 09/02/2024 13:12

I'm so sorry @JellyWellyBoots

i do know that lots of people "wait" til their loved ones are gone to slip away ? Maybe your DDad didn't want you to have to have that memory of him. I hope it gets easier xx

OP posts:

funnelfan · 09/02/2024 11:30

JellyWellyBoots

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/02/2024 09:11

So sorry @JellyWellyBoots You’ve been through so much! You gave your father a good last day - remember that.

PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2024 22:19

A big hug @JellyWellyBoots. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the better memories from before start to come back soon.

JaceLancs · 08/02/2024 22:14

Love and sympathy to you @JellyWellyBoots

EmotionalBlackmail · 08/02/2024 20:54

@JellyWellyBoots

AgitatedGoose · 08/02/2024 20:34

@JellyWellyBoots So sorry about the loss of your Dad and I can imagine how hard this must be for you. Please try and be kind to yourself as you really did do your best for him. Sending you hugs. xx

ajandjjmum · 08/02/2024 19:22

You were a wonderful daughter through the hardest of times @JellyWellyBoots . Take care of yourself and your DD - you're the priority now.

Tara336 · 08/02/2024 18:55

@JellyWellyBoots I'm so sorry, take care of yourself x

Darkmodetwo · 08/02/2024 18:51

@JellyWellyBoots massive hugs xx ❤️

TheShellBeach · 08/02/2024 18:34

@JellyWellyBoots I'm sorry your dad has died. You must have so many unresolved feelings.

Try to be kind to yourself. You've been through a huge ordeal.

Seeingadistance · 08/02/2024 18:29

@JellyWellyBoots UnMumNetty hugs for you. I don't think I've posted on this thread before, but have been lurking, reading and empathising.

Be kind to yourself, rest and regain your strength and composure.

Metoo15 · 08/02/2024 18:27

So sorry for your loss. He’s at peace now. Thinking of you.

Pinkpinkplonk · 08/02/2024 18:04

So sorry, you now have a different journey ahead. Sending Condolences, love and strength.

JellyWellyBoots · 08/02/2024 17:58

I can't believe I'm writing this.
My father died an hour ago, I said goodbye only an hour and a half ago. I kissed him goodbye in the hospital. I said don't die yet dad, I'll be back in the morning.
He developed sepsis last night overnight, today will stay with me until the day I die.

I feel numb, but sad, exhausted.

Me and my sister were with him all day, I didn't think it would happen so fast. I was meant to go and see him last night but I was too unwell. He called me & I was too tired to talk. Now I can never call him or go and see him again.

Metoo15 · 08/02/2024 16:50

SeriouslyAgain · 08/02/2024 16:15

It's really hard. I've found that the calming medication issue is very tricky because (completely understandably) no one's allowed to just 'sedate' people for the sake of it. But obviously it's different when it's not just that they're up all night, but that they're up and terrified of 'the burglers' or crying because they've missed the train to their mum's funeral... The point where unacceptable use of medication turns into necessary use to avoid great distress can be hard to see, and sometimes needs a bit of input from the family (just so the doc knows they won't be accused of doing something wrong).

Aah yes I understand it’s a fine line isn’t it. Much kinder though if they could sleep, as she does tend to have hallucinations as well, they must be terrifying. I’ll ask to speak with the Dr. Thanks

SeriouslyAgain · 08/02/2024 16:15

It's really hard. I've found that the calming medication issue is very tricky because (completely understandably) no one's allowed to just 'sedate' people for the sake of it. But obviously it's different when it's not just that they're up all night, but that they're up and terrified of 'the burglers' or crying because they've missed the train to their mum's funeral... The point where unacceptable use of medication turns into necessary use to avoid great distress can be hard to see, and sometimes needs a bit of input from the family (just so the doc knows they won't be accused of doing something wrong).