So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I keep meaning to 'pop by head in to say hello' as I think about you and the rest of the group on this thread often, how it made me feel less alone & that I wasn't going crazy.

To be honest my heart is broken, I miss him but the old him. If someone said they could bring him back for another 6 months but as he was, I would say no. & so would he!!

Life went from being to overwhelming to silent overnight. I didn't realise how stretched I was. It was a horrible and painful 6 months for all involved, I watched the only parent I have become a shell of themselves. I watched them give up in every way possible.

He was ready to go that day, I got to say goodbye. I knew as I walked away that was the last time I would see him. I couldn't visit his body, too painful.

I feel lost without my dad, we had our differences & a difficult past but I love him unconditionally.

I have the dog, the aunt got blocked on all platforms. I've learnt a lot the last few months, that I really don't need to surround myself with anyone who drains me.

My abusive-addict ex partner has kindly waited for my dad to die to start harassing me again. There's no fucking respect.

If it's any consolation at all, you're not alone. My DF certainly didn't prepare for his own death!!
To be fair, he did leave a will, but it was a stupid and rubbish will, and literally everything else was a total mess. I was just finding disasters everywhere on a weekly basis. I don't think I ever actually grieved him because there was just so bloody much to do and I was so bloody angry with him for dumping me in it! I'm sorry you're going through it.

Ah, so he didn't leave a will? That's a bit more messy (you poor thing - it's a nightmare having to deal with so much 'stuff' as well as grieving). Basically even without a will, whoever is dealing with the estate is legally meant to ensure that the money that's left first of all goes to paying off debts and only then can what is left can go to the beneficiaries. So the debt doesn't die with the person.
Is there money to pay the debts? If there isn't, obviously there's nothing that a creditor can do in reality because they can hardly sue for money that doesn't exist.
If there is money in the estate, the debts do have to be paid.
Are you administering the estate on your own or is there a solicitor?

I take it most peoples parents prepare for their own death?

@JellyWellyBoots my understanding is that if there is any money/assets in his estate it is paid out of that, if there is no money then its written off. You as executor/beneficiary are not personally liable.
But like PP said - get on with cancelling any ongoing liabilities and subscriptions.

I'm not an executor per se, he never sorted out appointing one! There is so much mess to clear up.

@JellyWellyBoots
Anyone owed money can ask executors of a will to pay the outstanding debts of the deceased out of the deceased's estate. That's also a reason to make sure things like Internet /TV type accounts are closed down as soon as possible - so that payments don't keep accruing.
Having been an executor myself, I have to say I felt that it was a really big responsibility.

I have a question, when someone dies I.e my dad, will any debt companies he owes money to chase me? As I'm the one dealing with closing down his accounts etc.

No one tells you how much fucking admin there is after someone dies. It just goes on and fucking on.

Aww bless her Parkinson’s is enough without the rest. You’re not going mad, a giggle is what you need sometimes it’s just the whole ridiculousness of the situation you couldn’t make it up. Take care.

We went through the prepare for the end/ oh better now with dad (months), FIL (several weeks) and MIL (months). It didn't get any easier with experience.

I'm regularly in the Cockroach café. I'm not sure if my DM is on the merry-go-round that @PermanentTemporary describes, or whether its the helter-skelter skelter.

@SeriouslyAgain my Mother had Parkinson's too. What a horrible disease. She also had the mini strokes & dementia (not sure how many types 🫤).

Look after yourself, it's not an easy thing to go through, watching them decline. 😕

Thank you for sympathy - I thought I hadn't had a moan for a while!
Permanent: it is a merry go round. A really rubbish one 😂
Metoo, she has Parkinsons but has also had some mini strokes and has dementia, probably 2 types. Writing that actually makes me want to giggle...she couldn't possibly only have one type could she?! Oh dear I think I might be going mad!

So sorry for what you’re going through and your poor mum too. Where on earth do they get their will to live from it always amazes me. Your mum does sound very poorly ,what conditions does she have ?
We’re not at that stage yet with mum, although the Dr rang yesterday to say they are concerned about her, she’s ordered some blood tests, because of her dizziness and lack of appetite ,she spends probably three days a week in bed. But on a good day she can walk to the lounge and join in a bit. I prayed to my dad to help her last night. I just want her to be free and happy again.

I'm sorry @SeriouslyAgain it sounds really exhausting.

Hand hold to all those on the 'come in, she's imminently dying - it might take a bit longer - she's brighter today - oh she's fine why are you asking?' merry-go-round

Witchy and metoo
My mum has rallied again too. I wonder if it's coming out of midwinter that's done it.
It's now 18 months since I was told not to expect her to live more than a few weeks. Then she rallied and it was 'she won't make it to summer'. Then it was 'she won't make Xmas'. 3 weeks ago, she was sleeping 22 out of every 24 hours and it was 'it will be soon now. She certainly won't see Easter'.
Well I have no doubt that she will see Easter. And probably summer and next Christmas.
She can't really talk any more, or walk. I'm not even really sure she can process what she's looking at. Every time I see her there's something else that's undignified and heartbreaking. Last time she started dribbling her food out of her mouth because she obviously forgot that she was eating. Really feels endless.

Oh I’m here with you. My mum went from hospital to a care home just before Christmas she’s been ill again in the care home but rallied again last week.
Every time she’s ill and comes round again she’s worse than before. It is just awful.
At the moment she’s a bit confused but very angry. Complains about everything !

Meanwhile I’m running myself ragged trying to clear her flat out and sort out which clothes I can get rid off. Mum wants to keep it all. She didn’t ask last week when she was ill but I’m bracing myself for tomorrow now she’s feeling better. I feel for you.

Hold on to that feeling @JellyWellyBoots , there’s nothing like anger for stiffening your resolve

@MereDintofPandiculation I was absolutely disgusted that she would even bring it up not even 24 hours after dad died.
& blaming me for calling her too late? She's dead to me,

@Witchyblankets that's very, very heart-wrenching. So difficult to cope with. I'm sorry you're having to dispose of your mother's clothes before she's even dead. That's a nightmare, on top of going through marital problems.

You could take the view that dog, like all his other possessions, can’t be “distributed” until probate has been obtained.

Or that dog is grieving and needs to be in his own home until he has processed his loss. No-one with the dog’s welfare at heart could argue against this.

Well the update from me is my Mum rallied and was discharged from hospital to a care home. All good but …………
I’m a complete wreck. My relationship with DH is going down the swany, I still worry about my kids even though they’ve left home. Yesterday I cleared my mum’s clothes out from her wardrobes and took them to a charity shop. Despite not having a close relationship with her it still felt weird.

Two years ago she had a terribly medical problem, we thought that was it but she survived. More recently she was very ill again and I thought that was it but she rallied again and is in a care home.
Clearing her clothes yesterday felt like another part of dealing with the death of someone, except she’s not dead. That’s three times it feels like I’ve had a bereavement and there will be one more at least, probably more.
i am broken