So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

We were called on Monday to attend immediately. Mum is still here and has started eating again. She's up and down day to day

@AgitatedGoose She won't be fed if she doesn't eat. They'll be no assistance - that's been discussed with the doctor and the care home. They'll just keep her comfortable. They are treating her as end of life. Will see how she is today!

I think this rollercoaster of the person being at deaths door then bouncing back can occur many times. If the person is in a care home strenuous efforts will be made to keep them alive and staff will find a means of administering food and fluids.

The well known dementia and assisted dying campaigner Wendy Mitchell died a couple of days ago after making a conscious decision to stop eating and drinking. Fortunately she did this whilst she still head capacity and clearly her family respected her decision and didn’t whisk her into hospital once she lost consciousness.

It's so hard Hoplolly. That's what happened with my mum a few months back. She was non-responsive and very distressed, given midazolam to calm her, discussions about hospice care to keep her comfortable, expected to die within at most a few days. She woke up a few hours later saying that she was ravenous!
That happened a second time within a few days, but since then there's been no indication at all that she's near death.

So DM was brighter this afternoon and now walking and talking again? Now I don't know what to think. She was on death's door yesterday.

@JellyWellyBoots i hope you’re doing ok. Last year someone started a thread for those of us dealing with the “next stage”. It’s been a while but I don’t think it would attract zombie thread complaints if you posted on it now. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4827943-calling-fellow-cockroach-cafe-um-graduates-going-through-probate-advice-and-support-thread

Have you got a funeral director in mind? I found choosing one helped me feel a bit more in control. And you can start thinking about what kind of service/music if any you’d like.

Good suggestion of a house clearance company above if all too overwhelming.

Some people have found it helpful to extract things of sentimental or high monetary value, then pay for a house clearing firm to do the rest.
Thisis what me & my siblings did - although we did it when DM moved to live with DSis. There were a few things DM wanted & a couple of items that we kept, but we got house cleaners to remove everything else. It was such an overwhelming task otherwise.

You'll quite possibly need the death certificate. Some providers will feel apprehensive about cutting off an old lady's fuel supply because of a phone call from a random. Power of Attorney comes to an end with the death of the person.

You can certainly do now -1) identify things you want to keep or might be mentioned in the will and set them aside 2) clear out rubbish 3) begin to sort (but see house clearance below) 4) look through papers for suppliers, the will, bank accounts and building society accounts, pre-paid funeral plan.

Your priority will be clearing the house and photographing meter readings, telling friends and family (delegate as much as possible - tell one family member and get them to tell the rest), and booking the undertakers - who will be a great source of support.

Some people have found it helpful to extract things of sentimental or high monetary value, then pay for a house clearing firm to do the rest.

Important to do as soon as possible - pension and other benefits so there won't be overpayments and masses to repay (google "tell us once"), anything else where money is being paid out.

Then without undue delay, the banks and building society, who will then freeze the accounts.

Don't actually pay out any money from the estate (except for funeral expenses) - this is "intermeddling" and could be problematical if you're not the Executor or if for any reason you want to back out of being the Executor. Even if you're happy to be the Executor, you can't pay anything out until you have established all the assets and obtained probate. I'm not a lawyer, but this is my understanding from having recently extricated myself from being an Executor in a particularly difficult case.

The brain adjusts. Being on edge for the phone call will go away in time. So think what you need to do now to get you through to the night, don't imagine it being a seemingly endless stream of days and nights worrying about the phone call, as it won't be like that.

Mum is near the end now, and I've found that the housing association only give two weeks to return the keys.

It seems callous to start clearing it even before she died, but maybe I could start to plan? I can't even picture dealing with this afterwards.

What do I need to plan? Identify and contact providers to cancel, do I need the death certificate for that? Pack stuff up and drop at charity shop/tip.etc.

I don't feel any need to be there at the end, I've made my peace and I am an hour away so the likelihood of me getting there in time is slim, my dad is nearby so she won't be alone.

I need to carry on with work and we have five children so life goes on. I just hate the thought that this might not be the end for her. I just want this to end for her.

@Hoplolly Re what @MereDintofPandiculation wrote about not staying day & night: Consultant said to my DSis at the beginning of the week "are you helping your mum if you sit here all night? There are nurses here to give care" He was right, but as a self-sacrificing daughter/carer, it's not easy to do and it is guilt inducing.

It is hard - I've just been having conversation with DSis about how helpless we feel just sitting about. Normally in family crises etc we'd be doing stuff; sitting waiting is hard. And it is bloody tiring.

@MereDintofPandiculation Yeah I can't go back today or tomorrow so I've said my goodbyes, it's more that I feel I am sitting here waiting for the phone call - but maybe it won't come? I've been reading old posts on here where people have said family members have been similar and gone on for weeks, months.

@Hoplolly Really, try not to predict. My dad has been bedridden for well over a year, my mother appeared stable, so I went back home intending to go back to work, and she died a day later. If I’d known, of course I’d have stayed. We’ve twice been called in to “say our goodbyes” to my father.

Focus on today, drag your mind back if it strays till tomorrow, and concentrate on keeping yourself well. Don’t stay with him night and day, just do what you can keep up with.

Remember many people wait till they are alone before they slip away. My mother waited till Dad had gone out of the room to speak with the nurses.

PS I am SO grateful for this thread where we can be honest without judgement. I've been on it a while but I had a name change recently.

I'm so stressed feeling like she could go on like this for months. Called care home, she's the same today, hasn't eaten at all because she's asleep all the time. They're leaving her in bed today - moved her to a reclining chair yesterday but she can't sit up, think it was easier for the staff to keep an eye on her. I just wish I knew realistically what sort of wait we are in for now.

There’s a specified order, isn’t there? Something like funeral first (which is why banks will release funds for funerals, because they have highest priority if there isn’t much money in the estate), then tax, then creditors?

@JellyWellyBoots She has Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's. Diagnosed at 63ish, she's 70 now. It was a very fast progression though so she's been late stages for maybe three years now and certainly didn't really know who I was all the time from about a year before that.

I'm hoping so @MissMarplesNiece

The good thing is she's peaceful, no pain, just asleep all the time now. One of the kinder aspects of a dementia death versus something like cancer.

@Hoplolly. My DM is also at end of life - it's a matter of time, days not weeks. It's very tough.

So sorry to hear how crap everything is Jelly. Why do dicks always have to be more dickish just when you're at your lowest ebb.

Oh gosh Hoplolly. I hope that whatever happens, it's peaceful.

@Hoplolly I think that's one of the worst parts, the 'not knowing' when it will happen. What is wrong with your DM if you don't mind me asking?

Had the call today, DM is very near the end - problem is there's just no knowing how near the end. She could go tonight, she could go in six weeks. So I've been and said my goodbyes (she's not really awake) but wondering how many more times I will go and say my goodbyes. Kind of hoping she slips away tonight.