So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

@Backofthenet20 So so sorry for your loss. Keep coming back to this thread whenever you need, it really helped me. X

@Backofthenet20 So sorry to hear your sad news. Please don’t feel guilty for anything. Take care of yourself🌺

@Backofthenet20 I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Just try to take it one minute at a time which will later turn into one hour, then one day, etc. Be gentle on yourself...it's very unselfish of you to be relieved he didn't linger instead of not wanting him to leave you for selfish reasons.

You may not cry for awhile, and then out of nowhere you might burst into tears. I try to remember the good memories I have of my dad...he visits me in my dreams and they are always happy dreams. I hope you have the same. Take care.

My Dad passed away between 8 & 830 today. Feel guilty for been relieved that he didn’t linger. Not quite sure how I am supposed to feel. Took the day off work. I haven’t cried yet since he died

In that case, you have to give up the hope that he cares for you, try to see him as an old man who needs care but otherwise has nothing to do with you.

@Backofthenet20 I think there are a lot of traumatised people out there after deaths at home. It sounds as if your dad is fading peacefully and is no longer aware of anything, I hope it ends soon for him.

Mum has taken a big step down after the last infection but is stable again. I have had to freeze the emotions again to get on with work and home and ds. I do feel lucky that I'm not doing the direct care, it is quite raw enough like this.

I came across this thread and wish all of you the best in your journeys. It very tough isn’t it? My dear Mum passed at home last year after a rapid cancer spread. Was completely not expecting it and helped to allow her to die at home. This was pretty traumatic, her death was devastating and I think I ended up with PTSD. She was as Dads carer. He has Lewy body dementia diagnosed a few years ago and since her death he went into care. He has taken a big turn for the worse in the last 2 days. He is virtually unconscious all the time. The care home are looking after him. I am very torn. With Mum I stayed with her several weeks but I just don’t feel I can do this for Dad. I feel very selfish. Dad isn’t eating drinking or awake. I am hoping that he can go quickly and peacefully and doesn’t rally

@MereDintofPandiculation I wish it was an excuse to see me, its not unfortunately, it really is because he wants me to get him home. My DF has never shown any interest in me at all, only when there's something in it for him.

Speaking from the other side … you know your need to just see your DC is greater than their need to see you. You’d like to see them every couple of weeks - they’re still your DC even though they’ve grown up. They’d like to see you half a dozen times a year. (Timings vary according to life stages) So finding tasks that you need help with is one way of getting an extra visit.

Might not be the case here, of course.

This has helped. My DM is in hospital and she wants me to buy flowers for a long list of people. She thinks she’s at home so she’ll ask me to pop upstairs for her cotton hankies.

Hi.

I posted weeks ago about looking for carers but my DM has leapt to the end. She is now in her last days (3 months max) and is very frail, bedridden, incontinent, partially sighted, immobile and needs 24 hour care. So, I’m joining the club for real now 😞

@WhatEverNextNow999 I know exactly what he would be asking me to do, which is to arrange for him to go home and I just can't do that. The rest of the family drop bits and pieces to him that he likes a they can get to him easier then I can. I just wish he would ask because he actually wants to see me I really need that from him

@JellyWellyBoots go see your GP and get signed off. You can self certify for a week in any case

That’s so difficult. Mum did this to me, a list of tasks. But I thing it’s for a few reasons

1. she wanted to feel cared by me, that in her last days I was there helping her
2. she knows she can trust me to do the task exactly the way she prefers even if it’s only making tea
3. she wants me to feel I was there helping and being there for her
4. she knows I’m better at actual tasks instead of just “waiting”

The task requests of relatives seems quite common, must be the person asking for comfort near the end. I originally found it irritating every visit was “go do this thing..” but I did them all and if it helped her I’m ok with it.

One request was to find a specific food, at a point when she wasn’t really eating, but get this one thing. Multiple shops later, I couldn’t find it. Wasn’t even in her own house. Probably a back to younger years favourite food.

I think the person just wants to know you are there for them

I don’t entertain this. I literally just hold up my hand and say, sorry I’m not in a place to to have this chat, bye….

I visited the home again today 120 mile drive to not even be acknowledged, one of the other residents sat chatting to me instead. Apparently DF had been asking for me this week, so I went, but if I'm honest it will be because he wants me to do something for him rather then wanting to see me. I have to be more realistic in my expectations

Jelly. Definitely take some time off. You are both mentally and physically exhausted not a good combo. It’s going to take a long time, but you need to give yourself a chance, otherwise it could take even longer. Please take care of yourself. 🌺

@JellyWellyBoots I agree with PP suggesting you get a fit note. Have a week off.
You were exhausted before your dad went into the home and you haven't had a chance even to get over that.

BTW I'm glad you kept the dog.

I wonder if you need to get a fit note from your GP and take a bit of proper time off Jelly - though I can see you're managing to perform well. I think when every event is having that kind of impact it's a lot to ask of yourself to just keep going.

@JellyWellyBoots take the day off and just do something that brings you joy or just site quietly and reflect. But you do sound like you need a little bit of breathing space after all you've been through.

Do you want to know what really fucked me off the other day, I mentioned my dad to a colleague & he then spent the next 45 minutes talking about two of his 'closest' friends that died of cancer, memories of them, etc. it was such a dismal fucking conversation. Why would I want to hear that?
When I say conversation I mean he just talked at me.

@JellyWellyBoots Of course you should take a day off.

I'm so sorry to hear the sad news @WhatEverNextNow999 @MissMarplesNiece
As horrible as it is, there is an element of relief.

I still haven't unpacked dads hospital bags. I went to get something from one of them as I was running out of wipes & remembered there was some in there, I came across his aftershave. Stupid me smelt it and my god it brought back memories of him getting ready for a meal, he would kiss me on the cheek and say 'you look lovely darling' and I could smell this aftershave. I was right back in that moment. I sat there and stared at his slippers. Found his special whisky glass I bought him, all his socks and clothes. I've been acting fine all week, went back to work and everything. People were telling me to take time if I need it, but I keep saying no I'm fine.
I'm not fine, I want my dad back. But as dad, not the version toward the end.
I miss calling him & telling him things. I did really well at something the other day at work, something I've struggled with and all I wanted to do was call him. Someone pissed me off, again, all I wanted to do was call him.

There's a constant lump in my throat, I've had 2 proper meals since he died, people tell me I look unwell. I'm tempted to take a day off tomorrow.

@BanterBaby It's a line from Song of the Mad Prince by Walter De La Mere.

Thanks everyone.