How did or how does your elderly parent get on in their care home?

FIL did really well in the care home.

He had dementia, used to go to a day centre there. MIL arranged for him to go for a week's respite - basically took him to day centre and then didn't pick him up. He was absolutely fine with it.

By the end of a week MIL was clear he wasn't coming home, it was too exhausting.

He never seemed to realise he wasn't a home, the care staff had endless patience with him and it was definitely the right decision.

My mum was in hospital about 20 years ago - NHS, bog standard. Her mobility had become very poor and during her longish stay there physios came every day and made her get up and walk. She left more mobile than she arrived. But I don't think they have the time or resources to do that work now. It's a real shame. So much of the cost of a hospital stay now is loss of self-care and independence.

@MereDintofPandiculation yes its truely shocking - also it was a dementia ward and as i pointed out in my complaint dementia patients cant entertain themselves

Hospitals aren’t staffed up to help with eating and toileting, they don’t have the systems to cope with talking to someone confused or deaf, let alone liaising with family who could ease the communication. Given that half their patients are elderly, you’d think it would be worth addressing this.

My experience was even a not great care home is still signifcantly better than the care in hospital - my local hospital is nornally excellent but the care my dad recieved there was not good at all

My mum went into a care home two weeks ago after being in hospital 7 weeks. She’s already improved and although she has no appetite is eating a lot more this she did.
It was their Xmas party yesterday, I went too and it was lovely to see how much she was enjoying it.
The down side is she’s there on a temporary basis as she’s refusing to believe she needs full time care. She believes in time she’ll get better and can go home. The social worker is coming to see her in a few weeks, she’ll see an improvement, but I’m sincerely hoping she’ll stay for good.

Agreed

I think that many people who object to care homes don't understand what 24 hour care to someone with dementia and/or physical disabilities involves, and have probably also (to be fair) seen a lot of exposes of terrible care homes that have put them off.

First home terrible, second home really well. My mum had longstanding severe physical disabilities and was then diagnosed with Alzheimers and delirium after starting to behave very strangely during the pandemic. She had had visiting care which she managed herself. We'd hoped she would be able to come home and continue (it wasn't immediately clear that she had anything other than delirium which might resolve at home). However, it became clear that there was dementia in play and the combination of her physical and mental disabilities required 24 hour care.

My mum was quite a difficult patient (oppositional and aggressive, though limited due to her physical disabilities). The first home she was at, a respite option post-hospital, neglected her appallingly (although they found the time to phone me every two days to complain about her behaviour as if she was a naughty schoolgirl - I kept having to point out that she was very ill and lacked capacity) and as a result she was readmitted to hospital with a further infection. (It was during the pandemic so I wasn't able to visit her and they let the infection get very bad before they sent her to hospital.)

The second home, however, was really good: proper track record with complex patients, staff who really understood her and were able to form a proper relationship with her. She still wasn't easy but you could see that they genuinely enjoyed her good days and managed her bad days very well. Some aspects of her physical care improved immensely and she ended up surviving another 2 years in their care which were as happy as they could be given the overall picture.

I always get really sad by people saying “I never want to be put in a carehome”. You just don’t know the situations you might get in in life. I’ve cared eight years for my father, while I also had young kids and a job. And then 2 years ago it got really bad, he couldn’t walk anymore, just lay in bed all day. Three times a day a carer would come, not nearly enough, there was still loads of work left on me…. I just couldn’t handle it, it was too much. Then we managed to get him into a carehome and it was the best thing! They got him a special wheelchair and he can actually move around a little, sit upright, engage with people. So happy about it! He looks healthy and happy and years younger then before… and I do too! :D

My DM was adamant that she wasn't going into care, but one of her friends had a talk with her and told her it really was the best thing - and from that moment she was fine with it.

The lovely small home she was in closed and I had to move her to another one. When I took her there I sat with her for a while, then said I would leave and let her settle in. She said, "I am settled". To be fair, she was doing exactly what she had been doing at home, but with the bonus of not having to shop, get her meals, do any washing, housework etc. She was happy, I was happy - and to be honest when I visited her I came to the decision that if the time comes when I struggle to cope alone at home I will be more than happy to move into one myself.

MIL was one who wasn't happy in a care home, but like a pp's parent, she was unhappy anywhere that didn't match the longings inside her own head, which were of an idyllic childhood that never really happened. There wasn't any choice about placing her; she'd spent months on a psychiatric unit after being sectioned, and it wasn't safe for her husband to have her living at home.
I've already made it clear to my family that I don't want any anguish over putting me into a care home. There were way too many crises before FIL would accept the inevitable and admit he couldn't cope, even with the support of adult children and their spouses.

My MIL is in a nursing home. Parkinson’s, dementia, completely immobile. But she appears to be kept clean, fed, watered etc. I have no idea what’s going on inside her head. The staff seem to be okay as far as I can tell. She absolutely wouldn’t have wanted to go in, but she didn’t have any choice in the end.

i don’t care how good the home is though, i hope i die before i go into one. I will tell my children to do it though, if it’s the only option. I don’t want them to end up as my carers. If there was any way to choose not to end up like my MIL, I’d take it.

My dad lives in a nursing home. He moved there in the year my mother died when it became clear that at 91 he couldn't look after himself and it wouldn't work to move across the country to me as I have a job that can be 12 hour days. (Plus, lets be honest, we would kill each other, some way or another). he wasn't keen as he doesn't have dementia, but we found somewhere close to where he lived so friends can visit and he tells me that he is "content". Its a good place and the best option for him - and me. My husband's aunt spent a long time in a lovely nursing home but that was after a time in a different one where they refused to believe her bowel was impacted and she nearly died.

The firsts really really hurt......but it does get easier x one minute, one hour, one day at a time x peace and love x

Thankyou...
I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
I was very sad but relieved when my Dad died.. he'd been so so poorly for years.
I'm devastated about my lovely Mum.. I'm actually up for the weekend to celebrate her birthday (I live 250 miles away)..

My DM has Alzheimer’s and went into a nursing home after being sectioned and spending months in a psychiatric hospital. I tried everything possible to keep her at home for as long as I could and realistically she wasn’t safe at home for about 2.5 years before being sectioned.
I viewed 11 different homes and the one she is in is lovely, my mum genuinely seems happy there, she tell me she loves her room and the staff. There aren’t many activities but for my mum getting dressed and going to the dining room for a meal is an activity. It’s warm , cozy and safe and you can’t compare her life to living in her own home feeling confused , hungry and lonely.
She accepts all the care at the home but wouldn’t accept any help other than from me in her own place.

V similar to loads here my dad went into one after a fall and his dememtia and physical health got worse - hospital and an intial placement were awful but the expensive home near my mums we moved him too was just lovely - the odd thing we needed to sort but in general he couldnt have been better cared for - really changed my views on care homes

Marylou 62 I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My mum ended up in a nursing home. She had heart failure and this caused delusions and dementia type symptoms due to lack of oxygen. My dad looked after her at home with carers help but it got too much for him. She was waking him up all hours of the night saying there was someone in the house. Its A horrible horrible time and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Sending healing thoughts to you and your family x

Finding it hard to write this but here goes..

My Mum started showing signs of Alzheimer's just before COVID.. My Dad was terminally I'll with cancer..
We as a family did our best..

Mum started accusing Dad of assaulting her (I can't even write which type of assault as it's so sad.) Dad was devastated.

She was leaving the house in the night and going to the (wonderful) neighbours who called us.

During a moment of lucidity she took an overdose..

She went into a home that night.. I rang over 26 homes...

She was distraught and so were we but all of us had jobs and all of us had exhausted our bosses patience with time off being called when she went missing..

Dad was absolutely shattered and crying all the time as she was badgering him all day and all night.

After trying to take her own life my very poorly, exhausted, devastated Dad realised we couldn't keep her safe anymore..

After 4 weeks she had just started to settle in the home.. (even telling us to go as bingo was on!)
When she then fell and broke her hip.. after a few weeks in hospital she was sent to a rehabilitation unit but she seemed to just give up.. that was hard..

She spent 8 wks there until a place was found in a local care home.. My Dad was able to visit daily and whilst it was very sad for them they settled into a routine. She begun to not ask to go 'home' and would happily leave us at the door.. it was a time of calm after a horrendous few years..
Unfortunately a year later Dad died and she's declined rapidly.. she's stopped getting involved with activities.
The staff treat Mum really well..

She is generally ok..not exactly happy but never asks to leave..she enjoys day's out but is eager to go back to the home.

So in answer to your question.. sometimes there's no choice but to place someone you love dearly into a care home..

I actually corrected someone who told me they'd 'never put their Mum in a home'...(their Mum was placid and happy to sit watching TV all day) I was so upset and told them exactly why my Mum was in a care home.. that shut them up..

This has been an epic post.. sorry..

Good luck in whatever you decide you have to do..

We persuaded my dm to have two weeks in a care home as a 'holiday' after an op. We were hoping she would like it so much she'd want to stay.

After about 36 hours she called a cab and went home. 😁

Then she lived at home with only a panic button, for another 7 years, until about a week before she died.

My mum went into one after developing Lewy Bodies dementia, sort of a cross between Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. She stayed at home for 6 years living in an annex I had built next to my house. But it got to the point when she had no idea who we were and we struggled to care for her, she was doubly incontinent, couldn't walk, struggled to feed herself etc. She would fall quite often and my dad, who had medical issues of his own, couldn't pick her up. We found a lovely care home for her, dad went every day and she couldn't have been more cared for. The staff were absolutely lovely, the owners fantastic and we felt blessed.
My Dad however had to go into a different care home when he developed vascular dementia following covid. The home was huge, very clinical and corporate. It had fantastic facilities but he couldn't take advantage of them so there was little point, he spent weeks in his room alone as they didn't have enough staff to supervise. I accept that covid had a huge impact on the home but it just wasn't " right"

My nan was in one after a stroke left her unable to be cared for at home any longer.
She was very happy there. One day she told us that she'd been out in the fields,watching a combine harvester. We thought that she was having a senior moment,until the staff told us,that,no,she actually had been out to watch the harvest coming in.
Bless them,they knew that she was a farmer's wife,and that it would make her happy,so they arranged for her to go and watch for a bit.
It made all the difference to her.

It really all depends on the home to be honest - there are good and bad and shopping around is important - you can often get a feel for a place by visiting and chatting to residents.

My late OH needed nursing home care - all other options had been tried and failed. He had longstanding Parkinsons Disease and fell and broke his hip which required surgery from which he never really recovered. He became immobile, incontinent, confused and paranoid.

I looked at several nursing homes, one of which reduced me to tears in the car park - there was no way my musical, intellectual and learned husband was going to end his life in such a dump. It filled me with fury to think that people were living there and that the inspectorate deemed it a fit place for sick people.

But I found an excellent newly built nursing home where he received very good (but not perfect) care. The cost was eye-watering, but eventually, after he died, I appealed the refusal of continuing care funding and won - they repaid me all the money we had paid out on care at home and in the nursing home. www.beaconchc.co.uk is a source of information about this funding].

Most of the care staff in the nursing home were absolutely wonderful and there were lots of activities going on for those who were well enough. As always there were a couple of staff that left something to be desired - bossy and patronising - but on the whole we were happy with his care.

Mine chose to go into one as she was getting frail and very worried on her own at home. It removed all the stress about security and home maintenance, being scammed by tradesmen type stuff. Also managing shopping, cleaning etc.

It gave her a whole new lease of life for several years - she ate a lot better, enjoyed more company and activities but could retreat to her room when she needed to. Staff in the home were lovely, very kind and thoughtful.