Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

@Randomuser9876

what do you specifically do for them? Can any of the things you do be farmed out to other providers - like carers, online shopping, cleaners, gardeners etc?

It sounds like you have quite a complicated tensions with your parents. Your father was abused and your mother (presumably) allowed this to happen. Like any child though, you are predisposed to love them and try to keep the relationship going. But OP you don’t owe them anything. It’s not your job to somehow make them happy, to make up for their lack of social life or support network beyond you.

Don't know what I'm asking really
I’m guessing that you are asking for permission to take a step back. You have it! You are absolutely allowed to decide what your own boundaries are and enforce them. You only want to visit once a week? You don’t want to do their shopping but you’ll make sure the online order comes every week? Fine, doable.

Mother - yep. When Mum was living on her own 100 miles away she would pester the neighbours with the sad face and even asked one of them to drive her into town because she had a certain way of getting cash out. Complete waste of time and a very long winded way of doing it but there was no telling her. In the end she called me crying that she didnt have enough cash in the house and that I was the only person who could help as neighbour refused to take the responsibility and told her to call me.

Haha, we have a neighbour (83) over the road who is living “independently” and says she “would never be a burden on her children” none of whom live close by. But whenever she needs something practical she’s straight into us, whether it’s hip rehab help (back on her feet now) or booking flights to see her daughter. But not a burden on her children, oh no. And we’re thinking, how did we end up with an extra elderly lady to look after? This is in addition to my parents 20 miles away where there’s something up every week that needs doing. 🙄

I am honestly heartily sick and tired of people stating that with capacity the older people can do what they like.

What about the daughters (and it often is women isnt it!) who have to pick up the pieces and who run their parents household because they are no longer able and who 'want to stay in their own house'.

Yes, you can get carers in AND Mum did in a previous house but they werent great and were they going to sort out her broken boiler because she had been messing around with it (and not saying!) or when an old person was peeing all over the house because in the middle of the night they forgot she wasnt on the toilet (Mum never did this btw that I know of but a friends Mum did). They have a real capacity to fib about what is happening to cover up for their inability to live on their own without help from family.

Mum has often complained when I go on holiday who she needs to call if she needs support.

It takes a very unusual person to not take anything on, who has the GP calling about Mum and who puts the phone down, who refuses to engage. My DM gave my number out to everyone as she wasnt able to manage her own life. She is OK now but that is because I am doing everything. I will get phone calls from people either asking for her or who when I query who they tell me that Mum gave out your number. She has had respite care after a fall and hated it but again its all about them isnt it?

The thing that really pisses me off is she tells other sister who lives abroad that she is fine and that she is living independently with no real worries.

NO SHE ISNT! I AM ENABLING IT!

RANT OVER.....

You’d be v welcome there OP. The stress is real. You need a good think and maybe a chat with your DH about what you feel is reasonable and doable, practically and emotionally, and the set up a routine or boundaries from there. Talk to your parents about extra help. If they don’t take it, that’s their choice, it doesn’t mean you then have to step in even more.

Don't know what I'm asking really but do others have the same?

yes. Come and join the other Bad Daughters on the cockroach cafe thread.

Absolutely, it's carers burn out.

My sister didn't want to have to deal with it so moved hundreds of miles away (still actively telephones to tell me how I am not supporting them enough)

I have decided what I am willing to offer and have absolutely stuck with it...

For me it's 1x 4 HR block once a week for shopping one weekday trip/meal 2 x "emergency" telephone calls where he can't turn telly over or needs some forms doing

I will do zero physical care of dad's wife although will attend some hospital appointments which I think will be helpful for me to know. I expect to have to do some form of care in the future for dad but again I will have limits.

DH both parents and spouses have recently been dropping hints about moving to our town in a few years when they need some extra help.....

I have to agree with a PP. Most/majority of the very old are not in a good place, moaning and compaining, leaning very heavily on their children, in poor health and unable to do any life admin at all (can you tell it happened to me twice!).

The guilt tripping, the entitlement. The refusual to do anything that would make an all round situation easier for all. I literally bullied my DF then DM to get POA done as what they were asking me to do was impossible. Things were much eaiser afterwards and they lost interest in bank statements, bills etc. I have a view about the very old and what we are doing when quality of life is very low but will leave it for another thread!

I also encouraged them to write wills (I dont want their money or to know what was in it).

There is no law that says you have to do this. What would happen if you did less? Would that really be worse than things currently are?

Who is more important to you - your children/partner or them?

Recognise that they will not change - how can you protect yourself and your family from this negativity? What do you think they see when they look at you?

Join a carers' group or get some counselling to help with boundaries.

It is so very very difficult with parents. I disagree on the point about moaning and negativity - my DM was a ray of sunshine and gratitude right up to the end of her very long life. This is very much them and how they see you, not you.

That sounds really really difficult, but sadly, not uncommon.

The moaning and negativity is pretty standard for the elderly I'd say.

But for practicality could you put paid carers in place? Just to start with.