Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

To the PP who said they couldnt ignore endless phone calls from Mother. You really do have to otherwise you are just enabling this sort of behaviour. Who gives a stuff what the 'neighbours' think of it. You Mum should certainly not be pestering them about your whereabouts.

If your brother is there then just dont take the phone calls. She is safe, has a family member there. She doesnt need both of you at dare I say it her beck and call. Otherwise it will get worse and worse. I hate to say it although I honestly believe its true now. An awful lot of older people use emotional blackmail and the sad faces to get their children to do their bidding and who for all sorts of complex reasons put their own needs first.

I do remember a post a few years ago where a daughter who was run ragged by her Mother found out years later than her Mother had been offered carers, help, support and refused saying her daughter did it all...didnt tell the daughter anything at the time about extra support

OP, we have a very similar situation. I'm an only child in my 40s with 3 kids and parents in their 80s. My parents were emotionally neglectful when I was growing up and I now find it tremendously difficult to be the attentive daughter they expect.

Raising your own kids constantly takes you back to your own childhood and as I go through each of my childrens milestones I remember my own. Let's just say none of it is positive!

Counselling has been a lifesaver for me or, as others have said, venting on here with people who understand.

Good luck x

Argh that sounds like a nightmare! Can you cut back on your involvement and set boundaries? I grew up as the kid in this sort of family set up which means I'm absolutely determined not to do the same thing to my child. So DD and my amazing DH come first.

Think of mental health like a broken leg. You wouldn't be physically running around after them if you'd broken your leg and they'd either have to manage or get other help.

Limit the visits. Decide what you're prepared to help with and what you're not. That'll vary depending on your circs etc but have a think. I only see mine a handful of times a year (she moans a lot about this) but I have zero desire to see more of her. I don't get involved in shopping or lifts to hospital (despite a lot of emotional blackmail!).

Stop answering the phone! I don't take calls during work and commuting hours. She's learnt she won't get an answer and just has to deal with that. I also don't allow family mealtimes to be interrupted. Or activities with child as that's a higher priority. If there's an emergency someone else can deal - we had one a few mins after I started work so phone was off and I didn't find out until eight hours later! She still got to hospital and dealt with. Using the VIP function on the phone to block calls helps - mine is set so that DD's school and DH can reach me, but no one else.

And you have no idea how long this will go on for. I'm the main breadwinner so I have to prioritise work and paying the mortgage above racing around after her. Otherwise my family would be homeless. You don't want to get to the point of being retired yourself and not paid enough pension contributions, or without secure accommodation or whatever.

Good luck! It's very hard to draw the boundaries and go against what still seems to be expected of daughters(!) but it is possible!

Mum has developed dementia, it’s glaringly obvious. Stepdad is sticking his head in the sand, adapting to it and failing to seek a diagnosis/treatments.
I find that incredibly hard to deal with. Hundreds of miles away, there’s nothing I can physically do. He won’t accept any intervention from me. Takes advice, says he’s grateful and that I’m right but so far refuses to act.
So, I’m distancing myself because the frustration was making me desperately sad. When he finally comes round, which he’ll have to, I’ll do all I reasonably can to help.

she’ll only call my mobile and if I don’t answer/turn it off she just keeps ringing back and leaving messages and then goes round to her neighbours getting worried that I haven’t rung back and then they’ll message me instead telling me mum is worried Can you put messages on a mobile answerphone like you can on a landline Eg “this phone is currently non-functional, please ring back in a week?” Or use call redirect to bounce back to your DB. Or use a different SIM for downtime? And make sure neighbours and relatives all know that you are out of phone contact and DB is in charge?

I don’t think this is standard elderly behaviour. Your mother sounds depressed. Your dad sounds like he’s always been a miserable git.

My DM is 81, limited mobility won’t use a wheel chair, takes her two hours to have a shower but she’s self sufficient as far as she can be. Strong and determined. Still a laugh, sees the bright side, fights her body and the pain. You either do or you don’t. Some people just quit.

Perhaps you should contact adult social services and see what is available to assist your parents (and you).

On edge, jumping every time the phone buzzes. This where you have to be brutal. Phone on silent, in the bottom of rucksack where you can’t hear it. Or block her for the duration. If there’s a disaster, DB would tell you.

Although I do go on a bit trying to explain the elderly person’s point of view, I have been ruthless in the past. For example,on one of his many ambulance trips to A&E, the ambulance crew suggested I could safely wait 2 or 3 hours before joining him. I was happy to agree since there seemed little point in watching him drowse in A&E while I tried to sleep on a plastic chair.

Now, of course, he’s not my problem.

@Tracker1234 I did tell my mum I was going on holiday beforehand, then I told her I was on holiday when I was away and trying to cut short the call and pointing out DB could help her as he was actually there but it don’t sink in.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen of course, but she’ll only call my mobile and if I don’t answer/turn it off she just keeps ringing back and leaving messages and then goes round to her neighbours getting worried that I haven’t rung back and then they’ll message me instead telling me mum is worried ... I tried ignoring my phone in Iona Abbey but then by the third time she rang me I was so thoroughly pissed off i stepped out and answered it because there was no chance of me being peaceful and contemplative by then.

95% of the calls I get are mum or are related to mum. Everyone else messages me. It’s a massive source of stress - I have the phone on silent all the time but even a vibration from an alarm or reminder triggers me.

Don’t any of you have a phone which says who’s calling? Our landline ( Stone Age tech here) does…..so we just let it go to the answering machine if we don’t fancy speaking. That’s what I did with DM, then I would call back when I wanted to ( sometimes just before I knew dinner was about to be served 😉).

@MereDintofPandiculation , I’m sure you are way above the guinea pig, 💐

Mum knows not to ring me unless its really urgent like being arrested! To be fair to her she thinks because she doesnt its all very easy for me to manage. She also knows that it will be my decision as to whether she moves into a proper care home.

Yes to the care home/retirement complex calling you. I had it with my late Father. Always timed well of course. I do go on holiday quite often and refuse to cut down on them. No one is asking me to not go away but I am on tenderhooks everytime I do.

The way I speak to my Mum could be bordering on bullying but to be honest it does snap her into sorting herself out most of the time. She lives a very simple life and I put her back in her box |(I know it sounds awful) if she tries to stray from the norm. She also knows that if she cannot manage herself she will be moving into a care home something no one wants to do (and they call you all the time too!) Mum was in a care home for respite care recently and honestly. At one point I thought I might as well just move in there myself. Mum knew nothing about anything and kept referring them to me. They would drip feed what they wanted to know and I was trying to work admittely now part time and at home so that made things easier but I went part time for my own health and well being not to care for Mum.

Funnel - what if your Mum was told you were on a break and that you would call her later or speak to her when you returned. I have put the phone down on Mum before by saying that I would deal with it the next day - unless of course she really has been arrested!

Sending out heartfelt sympathy to all here
Tracker1234, you sound just like me when I get to the END OF MY BLOODY TETHER😂
Funnelfan How do they do it, seriously how?! There is not a single time I leave my city that I don't get a phone call! I've now told the care agency that when I'm on holiday, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW Anything!!!!

I managed to go away for a few days with DH this year, in this country too. DB was due to visit mum anyway and offered to stay mid week while I was away which meant he would do her shopping etc and I wouldn’t have to book-end the holiday with dashes over to mum. All good.

All went to plan except mum rang me more while I was away. DB was apologetic but he couldn’t watch her like a toddler and she’d be calling me to report on what DB was doing, or ringing me to say he’d gone out and wasn’t sure when he’d be back. She has an uncanny knack for timing too, right at the point when I’d like to be with my own thoughts eg on a day trip to Iona, where I’ve always wanted to go. Just as I set foot in the Abbey. Phone starts vibrating.

Nothing went wrong, but it certainly wasn’t a break from thinking about her at all. On edge, jumping every time the phone buzzes.

I dont have siblings that live in the UK. They made a run for it years ago. They wouldnt dare start to tell me what to do. They would get very very short shift if they did. DSIS did try once and she wont be doing it again!

To a PP saying you need to understand why old people are behaving like this. Definitely agree regarding been given another job or task as you are loaded down with their washing, lists of what they want from the shops, bills they want you to pay etc. Mum does this to me and I actually had to say as I was leaving 'enough' it will be picked up next time.

Otherwise you will be run ragged by them, whether they are doing it on purpose or not. Your family life will suffer because 'Mum has buggered up Sky and needs you to come round urgently as its really her only thing in life' just as you are going out the door to do something else.

They might not MEAN to be so demanding and dare I say it a burden but it still doesnt mean it doesnt happen. You 100% need to set boundaries. We did with the TV. It would be fixed when someone next came round - the sad face or sometimes even floods of tears would appear but you need to stick to the boundaries.

And I have my tin hat ready for this one... your children arent necessarily your no 1 priority. The older persons wants and needs are in many cases. They are old and fighting against it. They often want you to do things immediately because it makes them less anxious. Well so bloody what! I missed a theatre show because Mum was doing something I expressly told her not to do and guess what, she fell, care alarms, calls to me, etc. She denied she had been doing it of course but there were so many clues that she had been wandering around her apartment that in the end she had to admit it. Thing is that can do what they like, make their own decisions but when it goes wrong as it almost always does guess who is called in the middle of the night. I dread something daft being done just before I go on holiday. Am I exepected to just say goodby to £££ of holiday just because a parent has done something silly.

My sister didn't want to have to deal with it so moved hundreds of miles away (still actively telephones to tell me how I am not supporting them enough)

Oh yes...me too. My sister lives only a 40 minute drive away but actively tells me I don't do enough.

It's amazing the sibling who does the least tells you what you're not doing right.

I've cut back on care home visits I can't deal with it anymore and my own life and work is suffering.

I’m don’t think I’m doing too bad a job of being a daughter. I don’t think I’ll be very good at being an aged parent

It’s difficult getting old. Everyday a new pain, or a capability lost, and you know it’s one way, never going to get better.

Your children are always going to be no 1 in your life. And that is as true when you’re 80 as when you’re 30. So although you’re pleased they have their own life,it still hurts that you aren’t no 1 to them, more like no 12 and below the guinea pig. And the more you are struggling in daily life with pain and with not being able to do tiny jobs which once were no problem, the less head space you have for others’ needs.

That doesn’t mean you as the child destroy your own life to look after your parents. Understanding where things come from helps tolerance, and that reduces mental load. I found it useful to objectively observe my dad, see what behaviour of mine led to what result, note the way he will always bring up an urgent problem just as I am about to leave. Observing as if I am reporting on a lab rat helps take the emotion out of it.

I didnt find any way of reducing the mental load of always being on call, never being able to relax.

So difficult, but especially so when a parent has been abusive (or where for any reason there's been a difficult relationship). Parenting a mum or dad who didn't do their own job of parenting that well is bound to lead to very mixed feelings. And that is fine and understandable.
I think all I can say is 1. You are not alone. It really can help to just vent, 2. Think about cutting down the visits. It's very hard but if you weigh up who is more important: your DC or your parents, and who you should therefore be using more emotional energy on, you'll probably come to the conclusion that you have got to draw some tougher boundaries.
(I hope that comes across OK. For what it's worth, I have failed entirely to follow my own advice, though I'm getting a bit better now!).

Sending best wishes as I'm in a similar situation
Recently admitted I was struggling so work are letting me finish work early every day for the foreseeable while my mum is ill mainly to give me time for myself
I'm an only child, dad passed away, no other family, work ft, it's tough. None of my friends have had to be carers so dont understand why I can't just do things with them

A fair majority of older people have opted out of the technology. Mum has given up on her mobile even though it was just a phone (with big buttons!). She has never used a PC or does anything online.

Of course when she was in respite care she couldnt call me and I think if she does eventually go into full time care then I wont be putting a landline in. I did for my Father and it was never really used. He didnt understand how the answerphone worked and then I found it pulled off the wall in the care home by persons unknown so I never replaced it. Old people can get obsessed with phones and calling the same nunber again and again. Its the only one they know and I saw one of those 999 emergency programmes where a lady kept calling 999 up to 10 times a night saying she had a pain. They found a daughter who had basically washed her hands of her Mother. At the time I thought that was rather selfish but now realise it was probably because Mother insisted on living on her own saying everything was fine and expecting daughter to do everything.

I'm there with you and offering you an unM-N HUGGG

In one year we've gone frm my parents being able to look after themselves (actually mum looking after dad and not really herself - but thats another story) through to dad having to take on the cooking and washing, then having to get one carer in a day, to emergency carehome stays as dad was in hospital, to finally both in a care home together.
They're only mid 70s but the decline (mostly in mum) has been epic.

Of course I'm the only one tasked with all the 'stuff'; constantly being told I'm not doing enough, not a good enough daughter, not giving up my job for them etc etc.

4 times this year my dad has stopped speaking to me because I've not jumped at his will. I've had to put in boundaries, I was getting ill, beyond burnt out. I've had covid 3x in that time too. I have underlying fibro and chronic migraine, I'm honestly not well. Dad hated the boundaries, but had to give up on his silent treatment every now and then when he needed help again.

He's never apologised to me, he has apologised to DH, but not me.

BTW, my grandma (96) and MIL (76) are both also in need of regular help, but their attitude to asking us and responding to us has been totoally different. Less of the constant moaning, never implying we're not doing enough and generally having a much more pro-active attitude. So its really not an age thing!

Timewentfast. I know my dear I really do. My mum is Ok. Sweet natured but completely in denial as to what I am doing to keep her living independently.

She is in her 90's and in a retirement complex. She cannot help herself in leaning and pushing me down further and further. I have tried to make her life as simple as possible and its ok for NOW but you never know when the next phone call is coming dumping all the issues in your lap.

Yes, we are patting ourselves on the back. Isnt she great, living to that age and living so independently.

My DF was a different matter, a shell of himself and yet the NHS threw everything that they had at him and consequently he stayed alive in a care home unable to speak due to various strokes, in a wheelchair and unable to use the bathrooom without assistance. Someone made an awful lot of money out of him as he was a self funder. We need to carefully think about quality of life for people who are really just waiting to be out of pain and ready to pass on.