Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

snowfoxglove I'm so sorry to read your post. You sound absolutely run ragged and at the end of your tether. I, mercifully,don't have personal experience of what you describe,but do know that even the nicest very elderly people can become extremely selfish as they age,and can't seem to grasp the idea that other people ( and it's almost always daughters) have lives,jobs and families too.

Are you living with your mother at the moment? Is there any way that you can switch off,or turn your phone off for a few hours?

I'm so severly burnt out, and my MH is gone. She keeps calling me her daughter. Funny isn't it.

Deep down I know I'm nobody's daughter. Never protected, never safe, only here to be used until there's nothing left 🥺

Funny how it's all about love. Funny how she loves to play some sort of happy family and it's all about love. But every night I go to bed crying or with a migraine but my M is happy as long as I suffer silently.

I don't know how to cope with this...🥺

Can I talk to someone about this? No need to PM, I just want to know that someone will respond and give me advice, guidance or encouragement 🥺 I'm at the end of my tether. I have migraines and anxiety attack every night. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so stressed out, and I can't do this anymore. She's draining the life out of me...

🥺

Every time I try to talk to her, it doesn't work. It's this constant barrage of moaning, being randomly mean, intrusive.

She keeps calling me her daughter as if I'm her property, her slave, her carer, but I never felt safe or loved with her.

I don't know what to do. I'm slowly dying on the inside.

Tolki - sadly Mum did pass recently. It was a blessing and she had had enough. She was ready to go. I have been on other threads and some people who respond have NO idea what it’s like. One even said it was a privilege to look after their elderly parent.

At 95 something is likely to happen and the medical profession will throw everything at keeping an older person alive which in many cases is not in the older person’s interest

At the very end and in the last month I had a conversation with a person from the GP’s surgery who discussed very openly active treatments. They stressed they would keep her very comfortable and I insisted they not take her back to hospital unless it was something like a broken bone. They had End of Life drugs with her name on them so they were ready when the time came.

95 is very old and it could be that something will happen in the next 12 months.

If I could be so bold could I suggest that you do think about active treatment and also please please do put some boundaries in place. Question why YOU have to do do something. Dont let Mum dictate the jobs for you. The combination of you retiring and being so close sadly makes me fear that in her eyes you are prime to help out. After all - what else do you have to do?

There are some good care homes round but suspect that Mum will refuse to go as she has you to do everything.

I remember a very sad thread regarding a lady who had been run ragged to the point of almost having a breakdown and dancing to the tune of their elderly Mum. Everything was done by this poster. She found out when she finally got parent to agree to POA that help had been offered years before by social services but the parent had refused saying that daughter insisted on doing everything. Issue was she didn’t tell daughter this…. It’s a horribly selfish, self absorbed way of using your children to do things they way you want them done.

I don’t know what the answer is. Boundaries definitely but when parent looks at you with that helpless look followed by the cow eyes it is awfully difficult to response negatively. Sharing the load is good but it’s funny how no one else seems to be available when it’s required so it’s back to you.

So sorry you’re going through this - it’s very hard.

When my mother (with dementia) was driving me mad, on and on about the latest (fantastic) bee in her bonnet, and reasoning was useless, I would sometimes pretend that I’d left something in the car, go and sit in it with Bohemian Rhapsody on really loud, and have a really good SCREAM!!.
Very therapeutic!

This could honestly be me. My mum.is 95, had a serious fall in March and honestly until then was extremely mobile, living independently, happy, resilient and enjoyed great health.
Everything has changed, she's now got carers coming in four times a day, but does not really engage with them, saving jobs for me to do when I come down. I live a mile away and retired last year.
It's only eight weeks, but already I'm reaching burnout.
So glad to have read your post

Yep mine too. My DH is disappointed, think he thought as soon as mum went into a care home he’d see me smile again, don’t think it works like that !

Yes it's literally wrecking my mental health.

funnelfan I could have written your post it’s so similar I had to check your name thought I might have written it apart from I don’t have a DB, but a male cousin instead, mums nephew.
I wish I’d found these threads years ago it’s so therapeutic, I really didn’t realise there was anyone going through the same thing as me but it’s surprising how similar our stories are.
Cutting a very long story short my mum probably has dementia but it’s undiagnosed so far. The straw that broke the camels back came 8 weeks ago I was in bed feeling very unwell, mum had decided she didn’t feel well and went out at 10pm to a neighbours for help. Somehow her electrics had fused, when the neighbour took her home there was water all over the worktop and floor, she’d tried to make a cup of tea in the sugar bowl !
My cousin was called, as I was too unwell, that’s the first time I haven’t attended in 40 years. He called an ambulance as she was very confused and a high bp, she was taken in hospital where she’s been ok but slightly confused. After many meetings and discussions the SW decided to put in temporary care in a care home, she went in on Monday. I should be breathing a huge sigh of relief but she hates it. I’m just so pleased she hasn’t got a phone !! I still can’t seem to relax like I thought I would. I’m going today, makes me anxious just thinking about it. She’s 92 I’m 66. Hope it gets easier soon .

Op sorry to hear the stress you are under and the complicated relationship you have with you parents. My parents, although only in their late 60s are very similar in terms on my mums care needs and being very negative people. It’s draining and I hate being around them. I do think their behaviour in childhood has a big impact on our feelings now. It’s adds to the frustration. I know I hate having to care for my parents when I felt their care of me as a child was wildly below par.

also sympathies for the mix of children and elderly parents. It’s super hard to balance. Sounds like you’re doing a lot for them. Just know it is ok to say no. If you need this weekend free, take it. Do not invite them over. You are not responsibly for their entertainment and if they have chosen to have no friends or other hobbies then that is on them!!

I haven't read everything, far from it, because I can't bear to hear it.
But in terms of mum in hospital, I'd never leave her alone for that unless she was unaware, like in a coma or something. Pp are lucky parents were asleep in A&E. I wouldn't leave anyone panicky and distressed in A&E. 22 hours last time, 18 hours the time before. I have a hip flask ready for the next one. For me, not her! 😂 i must sort out the food bag, I got caught out last time.

I've had to get her out of hospital twice, once into a nice care home and once just home. (Neighbours called ambulance that time, they meant well, but this is what happens if they can't reach me). She had a stroke before the care home, she wouldn't have known she could recuperate somewhere nice and certainly couldn't organise it.

I've had enough of my own experience of bad medical treatment to know not to leave her there - and to make sure the doctors don't subject her to unnecessary stress and painful procedures. I should have stepped in more when they were treating dad like a medical experiment. Also needed to speak sharply to idiotic staff trying to get him to walk when he couldn't sit up.

I'll leave the NHS rant for now. But I couldn't leave her there alone. Also - the other patients, screaming etc.

i'm now missing a nice nightie I gave to another patient, though I think I gained too much weight for it!

Re: talking about her friends ailments - I don't know what it is with the elderly but they are absolutely obsessed with their health and if not theirs then their friends. It's bizzare. I guess it's because they don't have a lot else to talk about. It’s also because it occupies a lot of our lives! DH is averaging two medical appointments a week at the moment, and his problems are having a real effect on his life. We can no longer book an event together because there’s a 50/50 chance he won’t be able to make it. Younger people will wonder why people your age are talking about their children and their friends children. Health talk is really boring if you aren’t yet into the spiral of increasing health problems that old age is all about. Just as caring for elderly parents talk is really boring if your parents are still in the endless holidays and long walks with the dog stage.

Emma, we do go away quite a bit. I reason that if anything happened and say she fell what can I do. Visit her in hopsital and take her some toiletries? Some people dont have anyone or their families have stepped back and let social services deal with their parents or just dont have the time to spend. When Mum was in hospital it was truly shocking. The women next to her had probably dementia and three nurses pulled the curtain around to change this lady. The smell is still with me. She was screaming the place down and when they finally came out they had a half bin bag (sadly clear) of pads, towels, cleaning wipes etc.

I also noticed that opposite Mum was a lady who just screamed the whole time. Mum said she did it all night. Nurses werent interested and of course busy with others. No Drs because they were on strike. I spoke to her and told her to stop shouting and annoying everyone else and what was wrong I spend about 15 mins talking to her and she loved the attention of someone. When I went to leave she started screaming again. I honestly dont know what the answer is but we cannot go on like this.

We have a shocking ticking time bomb coming with people living into very old age and who are patched up time and time again when they have no real quality of life (my late DF). He was in a terrible state when finally sepis got him but good for us he lived to nearly 90 according to the Doctor who spoke to me afterwards. I said my Father wanted to go years ago and would have been horrified and embarassed as to what eventually happened.

sorry that last post was much too long!

Emma - we all hear you we really do. Until someone has been through this endless support of parents they have NO idea what it means. Luckily I dont get stupid suggestions from siblings who live abroad which is a relief but Mum is on the cusp of being able to live indepentenly with me a couple of miles away (running her household, taking her calls, organising her days etc etc) and moving in a care home. She has already had a taste of one after a hospital visit and doesnt want to go but realistically we are way past that point.

NO ONE WANTS TO GO INTO A CARE HOME! PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE DOING THEIR OWN THING WITH DAUGHTERS DOING ALL THE HARD GRAFT. THEY DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HAVING TO SORT ANYTHING OUT BUT NO WORRIES - DAUGHTER WILL DO ALL OF THAT. BETTER DO IT QUICKLY DEAR DAUGHTER OTHERWISE I WILL GET ANXIOUS. THEN I WILL NEED TO PUT ON THE SAD FACE AND MAKE A FEW PHONE CALLS TO YOU TO ENSURE THAT THIS IS TOP OF YOUR TO DO LIST.

I have read the riot act to Mum now. Really laid it down in black and white that if she didnt sort herself out she would be on her own and blow me she is OK at the moment. Lives in a retirement complex where someone goes in first thing in the morning to check on her. She then goes to have her lunch in the communal area and then scurries back to her room. Its fine. Very simple life but I am constantly on tenderhooks expecting her to do something daft (which of course she has done before but hopefully recognises that I wont tolerate it anymore)

If I didnt behave like this then we would spend hours talking about her 'feelings' and how it isnt fair that she is slightly imobile now and why its happening to her. Why not her I often tell her but she seems to think others should have health issues. She needs to be like she was 30 years ago but I close her down if she starts taking nonsense so on we go...

Thanks everyone

As I say, I won't go on about the practicalities but she refuses a hearing check. Not bothered now, gives me an excuse to get off the phone.

OP can you do some stretching? Even a few minutes while the kettle boils might help. i used to be a gym bunny and stretching is under-rated IMHO. Even if you haven't worked out, a big stretch is always good. Or even just a little one.

Also, don't have them round for dinner if you don't want to, it's just spreading the misery. Will they just be miserable in your home? They might as well be miserable at theirs.

Re being nice, it's such a massive acting job a lot of the time, hence the stress. Like being in that mode at work.

funnel as you know the current situation, whatever she says, she doesn't really understand that recovery is far away and thinks I'll be back to normal any minute. Nor does she understand the "regret selling my home" grief which is IMMENSE right now.

Then she witters on about stuff I don't want to hear, I lose patience just listening, then burst into tears, she is baffled and says "oh my god, I can't say anything to you".

Well, yes. I would really rather not be contacted unless it's essential!

Emma, completely get what you're saying. Hopefully no idiot will come on and be horrible to you because you haven't said anything at all horrible. It's really really hard dealing with this stuff, and there's never an easy solution.
I felt really bad last week because I snapped at my mum just before leaving. Obviously my thoughts were around 'what if she dies and the last time she saw me I wasn't nice'. But I'm only bloody human and I can't, just can't, be nice all the bloody time!!! I've basically been pretty nice and dutiful for over 50 years! I've been very very supportive of her for the last 12 years. I really can't do any more!
So all that is just to say that, for what it's worth, you're not alone. Hope things get better.

You're not a nasty anything Emma. You're a normal caring human being. Don't beat yourself up. And these threads are very supportive - you won't get judged by us because we're all in the same boat.

Re: talking about her friends ailments - I don't know what it is with the elderly but they are absolutely obsessed with their health and if not theirs then their friends. It's bizzare. I guess it's because they don't have a lot else to talk about.

Has she had her hearing checked? Being hard of hearing is a strong marker for dementia, presumably because it isolates you from other people.

Sorry you’re still in the middle of having a tough time Emma.

I almost started this thread because I can't face the general one

I have stepped back from my mum, who is a lovely lady.

But we seem to have hit the point where I can't even have a general chat with her without crying or being irritable.

I just can't cope with having anyone around who needs me. Even if she hasn't needed anything for weeks. Just the fact of the burden on my mind is awful. And there's no one to help if I go away, so... I don't go away.

I admit it's mixed in with other problems but this is the one that tips me over the edge. Even when she's done nothing wrong or problematic.

The thing that finished me yesterday - I cried and cried - was she had a call that might be a scam but might genuinely be related to dad's estate.

I was left thinking 'he's been dead for five years and this shit is still following me around". (That's not the only outstanding matter from his estate).

I know someone will turn up and tell me what a nasty bitch I am. You either understand or you don't. I feel like my last good years are being taken away...and I have felt like that for years!

She doesn't mean to be depressing but even when in a good mood, all I hear about are her friends' ailments and crap about family members abroad. I didn't have kids because I didn't want to deal with a bunch of family crap. Also, it's a very backwards country, so I'm hearing things that piss me off.

it's like having a box marked "family crap" that you're not allowed to throw away and it takes up your whole flat.

She can't hear very well, can't watch TV as it hurts her eyes....I feel very sorry for her, i understand why she hasn't got anything to talk about but that's all the more reason we should talk less often?

I have come off medication because it had too many side effects but it can't help in a situation like this anyway.

Thank you for the thread OP. Maybe we could keep it as stand alone thread - to talk about the effect on us rather than include all the "what's happening with our oldies" information.

I'd find that helpful, maybe others would?

Huge sympathy to everyone going through this.
When my Dm with dementia was driving me mad, with the same thing over and over, I used to pretend I’d left something in the car, go and sit in it with Bohemian Rhapsody on loud, and have a really good SCREAM!!! - very therapeutic!

When FiL (also dementia) was living with us, and I was trying to work from home, he would ask the same question over and over - I once counted 35 times in one hour. I’m not the most patient person but somehow (I don’t know how!) I managed to make a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering nicely but mechanically. I couldn’t show the slightest sign of irritation - he would fly into truly terrifying rages over the tiniest thing.

My poor Dbro - who was ‘Golden Boy’, not his fault - really suffered before DM finally moved to a care home - she would ring him literally 30 times in an hour - it was seriously starting to affect his MH. Once she was in the CH we were asked whether we wanted a phone in her room - answer was a resounding NO! Funnily enough, though, after the first week or so, when she was asking staff to ‘ring my son’ she soon forgot about ringing him at all.

It's really, really tough. When my mother finally agreed to go into a (lovely) care home, our relationship improved so much as I became her daughter again, not her carer.

There is a big difference between understanding why they are behaving the way they are and actually going through it.. the rudeness, demanding behaviour, constant phonecalls, telling me to shut up when they don’t like what I say, the constant phonecalls about their tv, the demands for particular foods that aren’t in stock..
I understand why they are the way they are but it doesn’t help me cope when they are so dam rude.. I have started getting up and leaving the house when they start but that just leads to a phonecall later in the day making up some excuse to demand more attention.
Simply not answering the phone isn’t always an option when they have heart condition and are at stroke risk.. what if I didn’t answer the phone and it was the one time they really needed help…
Years ago an older work colleague took early retirement to look after her Mother.. at the time I thought she was insane but now I so completely understand why she did it. There are only so many hours in the day.
Have no answers and this is a bit of a rant…

To the PP who said they couldnt ignore endless phone calls from Mother. You really do have to otherwise you are just enabling this sort of behaviour. Who gives a stuff what the 'neighbours' think of it. You Mum should certainly not be pestering them about your whereabouts

That was me @Tracker1234. Thing is, mum is in the grey area of dementia where she is at home with 4x carers and ok generally, apart from days where she’s not. She can’t help forgetting that she’s already spoken to me today, or when she wakes up from a lucid dream thinking DB is outside the house locked out in the middle of the night. She does still worry about me and says “oh don’t drive over if the weather is bad” but doesn’t join the dots on who will get her shopping in because she can’t cope with receiving deliveries any more.

i care if she’s frightened and/or confused and/or anxious. The neighbours care too, between two households they’ve known her for over 50 years and are very fond of her, and they say they’re more than happy to settle her back in bed with a cup of tea when she goes to see them about something. It’s not their fault if mum goes to see them, and they’re doing the right thing by letting me know she’s going out in her nightie in the rain to knock on their door.

it’s not endless calls. It’s one or two a day at the moment, and I WFH so can usually answer straight away or call back quickly after a meeting She gets worse if DB is there, and DB thinks that some of the time she’s trying to work out who he is, which is rather upsetting for him. Which is probably why she calls me more for reassurance. But he’s now working abroad so it’s just me, and even one or two calls a day is oppressive, when combined with the stream of calls to/from the carer agency, the GP, the hospital, etc etc.

SW says she still has capacity to refuse residential care even though she doesn’t fully recognise the impact on me, so like a lot of people on this board I keep buggering on until a crisis develops and something will change.