Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

This.

Just don't drive them. Let them get a taxi.
Stop being your mum's doormat. Tell her you have a sickness bug and don't want to pass it on.
A migraine. Or you feel dizzy and can't drive.
Or just say you will order the taxi.

Its v hard 10+ yrs of it with dad. Op you can only do so much. Our mam is 80s they be happy to run ya ragged. My sister does a day and I do too. Our own families too. Find Im tired from it all at times

So sorry for all of you dealing with all of these difficulties. I read these threads to remind myself that DH and I must not become a burden to our respective children. I'm 76 and he's 86 , but still doing pretty well. Best wishes to you all.

Just read this whole thread and sympathise with all of you dealing with your elderly parents. I’m in the same boat, my dad is 90 and my mum 87 both still living in their own home. My DB lives a few hours away and has been NC for about 20 years, apart from the odd card here and there, he has nothing to do with them. I’m the go to everything. The constant drs appointments, the shopping, the general crap they need help with. I don’t have a specific point but it’s wearing me down. I avoid answering the phone as we go from one issue to the next, all equally as urgent ( but never really are). I say I can’t do stuff on a specific date/time and then I get a call can I help when I’ve already said no. My mum is by far the worst , says things like ‘what would I do without you’ the expectation is there all the time. My dad god love him isn’t the problem. I feel like they think I am waiting at home for something to do. There is never any willingness to get a taxi to the drs, they have the funds to do it but don’t. It’s always, we will wait for you. I don’t want to be the one they wait for all the time. It’s good to write it down if nothing else.

My mum was physically ok (most of the time) and 'able' but the mental load and emotional strain was horrendous. My DB (and wife) moved 100 miles away so the burden was left to me (single parent, 2 dc, full time new job). I was the bad one for not taking the whole day off for a hospital trip. I was bad mouthed to the family for not calling in every night on my way home from work (en route to the cm to pick the DC up?!). I was the one who did all the shitty jobs - fixing stuff, ordering stuff, shopping for EXACTLY the right thing and getting an earful for not buying the right bloody crumpets. Needless to say my sibling can do no wrong.

There's no easy fix I don't think op. I went NC after a particularly nasty comment but was guilted into stepping up again as golden child could/would not. But I was very clear about what I was prepared to offer, and that I wasn't going to take any crap for what I DIDNT do (when sibling did NOTHING).

They have our contact details too, maybe it is because Dad is in Scotland and under social services care.

Cheaper for the supplier to rely on calling relatives with ambulance as backstop. Expensive to have a team of people permanently on call to pick up elderly peoplf off the floor. Before our LA would give one to my father, I had to give the name and contact details of two (or was it three?) local friends/relatives, living in separate households.

Oh really I didn't know that. Mine with dad's goes to somewhere nearby to him but he is in Scotland and I am SW England. He does have carers from SS though so maybe it is to do with that.

Often, the call buzzers go to a call centre which calls relatives

They can get these call buzzers they wear which summons assistance I think.

@ElderMagnet that's it in a message.....you feel "incredibly isolated "
That will resonate with so many people on this thread, especially those like me too who've been in this position, in my case only for the last two months.
It really does wear you down.

I hope that by voicing your feelings you feel a little better and will inevitably help others in the same plight. A problem shared is definitely a problem halved.

I feel incredibly isolated.
In real life, friends are mostly full of platitudes, the odd one understands but there is still an expectation of social graces.
In private, I actually googled predicted death rate, actuary tables.
I worry that I have lost my heart. My dad died last year and I wasn't remotely upset. My mum has gone full narc, it's all about her, my golden called brother has also upped his narc ness.

As for my in-laws, I've been in their lives 30 years and yet am held at arms length. Communication is via my uncommunicative husband. It's got worse in the last ten years.

FIL is on the slippery slope to dementia, SIL who benefited from the maximum childcare will not be hanging around to handle that.
I just don't feel part of their family in the good times so can't see why I should use time or money in the bad times.

My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. DM insists its not cancer and because hes been playing away, Ive seen the hospital paperwork Its cancer. They are both 88. Dad cant listen to music because she cant stand it but she will have Saturday Night Takeaway and Britains Got Talent up full blast. Shes deaf but refuses hearing aids. I constantly have to repeat myself but sometimes i do find myself saying "if you really want to know (whats going on) get a hearing aid" Has trouble with the stairs and comes down backwards but wont get a stairlift fitted.

Honestly, just last week I made the decision to step back slightly from my mum as it's taken a huge toll on my own mental health over the last few years.

I called her every single day from the very first Covid lockdown to keep her spirits up because she was having a tough time looking after my dad and somehow it had continued. I feel I've become her verbal punchbag.

Of course I'm still taking to all her medical appointments, food shopping and doing all her online stuff. So not a huge step back in the workload, just less calls but I feel more relaxed and I make an effort to go to the gym for me time.

I think you need to start by pointing out everything you do for them and trying to work out the boundaries from there.

Agreed. I find my mum hard.

Thank you @Lovesgreen

Can you change your living situation? I think this would be instrumental in helping your situation. In only the last 4 months my mother has become very demanding and all consuming. I can only manage her in small windows, if I lived with her I wouldn't cope. I'm actually learning to set boundaries now and actually seeing her less rather than more as my mental health is suffering. You need some space, please make it a priority.

@Feckedupbundle and @TryingAgainAgainAgain thank you for being here. Yesterday it was hard. I do have boundaries in place. Tbf sometimes nothing even bad just happens, but I'm just fed up living my life for someone else. (Yes, I live with her) I'm so fed up of feeling bad and guilty. I wish I could be kind and loving because feeling like that would make my lot easier too but it just doesn't happen

Gosh, that is incredibly sad. What a tragic ending to a lady who should still have had many years of life to enjoy.

Maybe the SW's need to check in with the 'person' who the parent is quoting but I guuess if they did that it would probably end up with more work for them!

I did outsource to whomever I could and told parent this. If they wanted it done it would be done but not THEIR way. Luckily parent had the money to agree to this and I was POA.

@Tracker1234 , that is SO common - ‘No, I don’t need any help, thank you - my daughter will do it.’
And social workers are - unsurprisingly - only too happy to accept that.

You have to make your situation plain to SWs, but unfortunately they still can’t force anyone who’s still deemed to have capacity, to accept carers coming in.

My friend retired at 65 to look after her mother. Within a year, the mother became ill with pneumonia. Friend cared for her, eventually having to call an ambulance and the mother was admitted to hospital. A week later my friend died, alone at home, of pneumonia, which she'd caught while caring for her mother. The mother is recovered and still alive. This was 5 years ago.

I'm telling you all this because it's so important that you look after yourselves - you matter too!

I can empathise, @snowfoxglove. I feel like I don't have a mum any more.
Not because of dementia or anything, but because her selfishness and endless gaslighting have destroyed any bond. Am I of use to her? That is her only concern. And my sister colludes with her in scapegoating me. This is after years of caring for her, my dad and my aunt.

As a pp said, are you living with her? That's so key. I am and it's breaking me.

This thread is so sad, and resonates so much. Siblings far away and overseas being critical from a distance,while on person does all the work.
But things change quickly. 3 months ago mum was still at home,with a carer twice a week. Then a care home room became available and we moved her in and emptied the house for sale.
3 weeks after moving in,she died.
Her funeral was last week. Even the funeral became an argument. How do you know " its what mum would have wanted" when you have barely seen her for years?????
Now they've all gone back to their respective homes leaving me to keep an eye on the house. So I'm still going in every day,as I was before. But now its cold and empty and sad. And I'm still exhausted.