Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

Thanks Cerulean blue. Its because the UK social care system is broken, and its left to family to care.

JFC, @Ree1234, that sounds horrific. Why are family doing all the personal care?

The negative parenting dynamics really come back and bite don't they?

I just want to thank previous posters as much of what you say is so true with the situation I am now in with two nearly 90-year-old parents with advanced dementia, frailty, mobility issues, and double incontinence.
One parent, Dad, is in a nursing home as Mum couldn't cope with his aggression, wandering, and peeing/pooping everywhere.
Now Mum has post-stroke dementia, and we are facing similar. She cannot move far without assistance, which on one hand is great as she cant wander, but on the other, relies on family to lift and transfer her to commodes, change incontinence pads, wipe bottoms etc. On top of tasks of daily living which she is unable to do.

I remember Mum being very authoritarian, my way or no way in the past as a child. One phrase she kept using, and still does, was barking to us 'wait, wait, wait'. She also wants things done IMMEDIATELY...and starts to scream for attention. No amount of rationalisation, placating, or logic works...so I use the phrase 'wait, wait, wait' back to her, and it seems to work, albeit with verbal abuse from her. I quietly say well you taught us mum..

I also work online at home and can't be interrupted with clients on video calls. I have found temporarily detaching the landline phone from the socket helpful when she tries to phone to moan about stuff in the middle of online meetings.

Theres three words that come to mind dealing with elderly parents with dementia...dont give in to FOG....Fear..Obligation..Guilt. Strict boundaries are the way forward.

No emotional dumping from family as well.

I'm another struggling with the impact my family members have on my mental health.

I live almost 4 hours from them (DM and DB). It's a toxic and unpleasant situation. Family want me to leave DH to move where they live and be their carer/slave. DH is aware and we're making damn sure that doesn't happen.

DM has cancer (timescale not known but likely < 1 year based on type) and various other health issues. Cognitively no issues but likely has always had some personality "issues". It's complicated, very! I'm the scapegoat, DB is golden boy and despite living 20 mins away he's not to be troubled/ too busy if something needs doing.

DM is negative beyond belief about everything and has been my entire life. It's so hard to deal with. The negativity has definitely gotten worse with age and more health issues. Like many others she also won't do anything to improve her situation 😞 whether physically by doing gentle exercise or in terms of social contact etc.

I'm absolutely destroyed after any contact, anxiety before and after goes through the roof, jump out my skin if the phone rings, dread phone calls but am getting a lot better at the grey rock technique.

I'm absolutely dreading what happens next. Her cancer or other health issues are likely to kill her sooner than later and I very much hope for her sake it's quick and painless but I also know that if things get bad I absolutely can't and won't move in with her and be the emotional punchbag / carer. l'd last less than 24 hours 😞 . I've been that punchbag for the last 35-40 years and I just can't and won't do it anymore. If that makes me an awful person so be it. After counselling I realised my family and DM in particular would never change.

Good luck OP and everyone else in such situations.

Ditto! I do the same!!

I realised today that I've been putting off ringing DM by doing washing up, ironing and some filing instead. I also realised that I enjoy all of those more than the phone call!

Last year DM insisted Madonna had died and wouldnt have it that she hadnt. #
Last weekend ditto Michael Crawford

To put it bluntly, modern medical care means we're dealing with a lot of stuff that wouldn't have been an issue for much earlier generations. It's that extending life rather than quality of life. Plus the medical profession insisting on treating everything instead of letting nature take its course (Shipman hasn't helped with that one either).

Caring for someone briefly, who has remained relatively fit and then dies of a short illness like pneumonia, is so very different to the years of hard graft being done by many carers.

When I was frequently driven to the point of wanting to scream, or worse - by my mother with dementia going on and on and ON about something that was entirely in her own head (e.g. her sister having ‘stolen’ their mother’s house, neighbours’ son having ‘stolen’ her garage, I used to pretend I’d left something in the car, go and sit in it for 5 minutes with Bohemian Rhapsody on LOUD - and have a really good SCREEEAAM!
Very therapeutic! Not sure it did my ears much good though….

(Pre dementia she’d given him permission to use her garage, having given up her car at over 80.)

There is so much guilt surrounding it all. I am starting to wonder about it all.

My colleague told me once that teenagers have to get so awful that you can’t wait to be rid of them out of the house, that if they stayed cute babies, we would never let them go so it’s natures way of moving you on to the next stage.

I must ask him his opinion on this stage!

God this is so similar to my life raising disabled teenagers

@Randomuser9876 good to hear from you 6 months down the line with your update.
I firmly believe that a problem shared is a problem halved and for me that is definitely true.
I'm just over three months in to being a carer for my mother and at times it's been really hard, but you keep going knowing that you're one of many many thousands doing exactly the same thing.

Good luck in the coming weeks and months.
Your original message helped me a lot.

I have a friend who's just about to enter her 70's - lives with her autistic son. She doesn't have a mobile or know how to use one; he does, but won't use it, only has it for the camera. She still does telephone banking, has no idea how to do online banking or how to do anything online except use Amazon to order books.

I'm a little bit younger but have kids who force me to keep up with technology. I'm trying to persuade her to get a mobile and learn how to do things online, but she's so set in her ways that it's painful. Maybe my kids are doing the right thing by bullying (not really) me into learning how to do the basics to keep up with being able to online shop and book things.

These threads are useful to me for keeping an eye on my own behaviour!

my first instinct is that you are lucky you are hundreds of miles away.

We dont do holidays frankly we need our own breaks. Siblings feel same. She rang me yest rambling on. Told her I had an apt. Wonder will I be this self absorbed! Didnt even ask how we were lol. 80s

I agree, they can be so consumed by their own needs that they can act quite self-absorbed and seem to forget that other people have their own problems.

Re your friend, that almost sounds like my situation although it isn't every single day thankfully. It is very difficult to manage, and no.doubt, she'd be made to feel bad if she addressed it.

Yes, my mum wouldn't accept any other options and her plan is to land it all on me. I obviously don't mind helping her out when needed, but I feel that her request for the holiday is unmanagable, especially for my kids. What irks me the most is they haven't been on holiday for a few years over the head of stubborness because she wouldn't allow my dad (who does everything she says) to use a walking frame which would have allowed a holiday to happen, no carers needed. Now, she has relented to the frame, but wants us to tag along with the kids to be the carers because she is desperate for a holiday.

Sorry to hear what you have been through, that sounds very stressful! I hope things don't get too stressful for you in the coming months. It is such an anxious and stressful time, and you need time for yourself and your own life too. Life becomes such a big juggling act when you have parents or a parebt needing care. Hugs ❤

Frazzled - its really difficult and the complaining and dare I say it very selfish behaviour by our elderly parents who become massively self absorbed with their own needs is very tricky to handle. With regard to the phone calls and the need to go through finer details of various aliments can be handled. Had this with my very elderly Mum. You honestly need to led the conversations as opposed to your Mum going on about things she wants to talk about. Dont answer the call if its not convienent. If its really really urgent you will be found!

I have a friend whose Mother uses her as a listening post every day. She literally goes on and on and friend doesnt have the heart to manage these conversations so on they go.

As for the holidays. Its will be horrible for all of you. Your Mum will be lording it over everyone and expecting you to do all the organising and looking after your Dad to give her a break. There are plenty of other options but I can almost guarantee they wont be acceptable to her.

Its a stressful time for all.

@Frazzledmummy123 so sorry to read what you're going through with your elderly parents.
You're certainly on the right page to read what others are doing and feeling as we navigate this most difficult of circumstances.

For me it came completely out of the blue with my elderly mother after a fall in her home in March. This was followed by a stay in hospital, followed by a package of care provided by the NHS when she came home, followed by her becoming a self funder then having to find a care provider to provide her care.

All extremely stressful & we're only three months in.
I really feel your stress and frustration.

I just found this thread and know it's 6 months old but as others have posted recently, I thought I'd post a reply.

To the OP, I hope you are ok. I actually started reading this thread and thought it was one I'd started! I literally couldnhave written it word for word. I am an only child and coping with 2 elderly parents who are becoming more and more isolated and needing care.

I feel so exhausted and worn down with the constant worry and anxiety, and my mum's constant complaining every day about things like a gardener not answering her calls, 'how stressful a bus journey with a diversion was', and an overanalysis of how to get somewhere because refuse to use taxis (I don't drive, that's another story for another time!).

Any time she or my dad has a medical ailment I get the full rundown nunerous times a week, usually at an inappropriate time like in the middle of my children's sports day yesterday, startrd going on to me about my dad's sore foot.

She now wants me, my DH and all 3 kids to go on holiday with them both so she gets a break. She wants DH and I to care for my dad as well as entertain 3 children.

I love my parents but I am so worn down.

@MereDintofPandiculation Thanks to everyone on here.... it is good to have somewhere to rant.

@Poettree I think you’ve understood the position very well!

In terms of managing it, I am currently researching therapists and massage for myself!

haven't read whole thread, will when I get time. I am currently doing a lot more for my parents than I planned with very little thanks - it almost feels like when I do shopping or cooking for them my mum resents it and feels bad so doesn't even thank me properly, just goes a bit sulky and quiet.

They don't want to admit they are old so will never access any of the things that might give them some social contact, they won't downsize and are now no longer well enough too so are living in a huge house, they don't care for their dog properly and they would live off biscuits if they could.

I am in the process of extracting myself after very much overcommitting, they are wealthy and can afford to pay for things like cleaners and decent food, they just would prefer that I did it because again, it means they aren't old they just have a very nice daughter who helps them out sometimes.

Rant over.