Sad at the lives my elderly parents have now.

I'm nearer 70 than 60 and for the past 2 years have only been able to hobble a few excruciatingly painful steps at a time leaning heavily on two sticks.

Last time I went to the corner shop (before the first lockdown) I had to abandon my shopping trolley and leave, because the queue for the check out was so long I realised if I stood waiting I was going to collapse before reaching the till, and certainly wouldn't be able to walk the 150 yards home afterwards.

I used to have a capacious shopping trolley that could handle a big shop of heavy items, it was the kind with two wheels that you pull along behind you. Impossible to do once you reach the stage of needing to lean on a couple of sticks.

I started wondering if there were trolleys that you push in front of you, that were stable enough not to tip over if leant on, and discovered that they existed and some of them were designed to also be used as seats (solving the problem of long queues for the checkout).

Since my legs are too feeble to lift me without assistance from my arms I paid a bit more to get the version with armrests. https://www.walkandrest.com/armrest-shopper/28-58-the-new-armrest-shopper-red.html

When it arrived (already assembled in the huge box) the first thing I did after unfolding it and working out how to set the brake was to tentatively lower myself onto the seat, to my relief it was just the right height from the ground, very comfortable, and stayed steady when I hoisted myself upright pushing on the armrests.

It also turned out to be much easier and smoother to walk with compared to shuffling along with a couple of sticks. I'm still very slow but can lean all my weight on the handle, shoving the trolley along in front of me, and concentrate on using my legs properly. It's not just a combined shopping trolley, zimmer frame and mobile personalised park bench, it's a rehabilitation aid!

After a couple of years of not being able to walk to the postbox (25m from my front door), I now have the confidence to venture a little bit further every day. My leg muscles are very weak and atrophied, but when I get tired I can safely stop anywhere and just plonk myself down for a rest. The older and more doddery I've got, the more I notice how few and far between the outdoor seating options are. When the weather gets warmer I'm going to pack a thermos and biccies into the trolley basket and park up somewhere sunny for a tea break.

I love it and wish I'd discovered it last year.

I am so thankful they are still here but I just wish they could have a better quality of life.

Quality of life according to who? And according to which criteria?
Some people are introvert and being at home is where they like to be. They don’t want a full life filled with outside activities. Why should you your life only be worthy or full and interesting if you are ‘doing things’ and more precisely ‘doing stuff outside the house’

On that score, your sadness is more about you and how you’d judge your life if it was ‘reduced’ to that than about the quality of life of your parents - esp seen your dad seems quite content with littering about!

I think people like your sister are more common than ever. I know several people like that - people who hardly go out, have no real life friends, etc. It’s just so easy to isolate yourself now, what with the Internet, video games, Netflix, DVD boxsets, etc. I don’t think they’re particularly unhappy. Not all of them anyway. That’s the odd thing. On the other hand, I know several people with busy lives - a husband, kids, hectic social life, a career, etc - who seem far more unhappy than the loners.

Tbh, it sounds not dissimilar to my parents lives.
My mum dislikes going away and has done so fir years now. It used to drive my dad bonkers but he has accepted it now.

As fir accepting using a wheelchair …. I think until it’s you that has to accept your mobility is that reduced, I wouldn’t be judging. It’s a very hard thing to accept, esp when you are older. So on a rational pov, it might feel like the right decision but on an emotional pov…. It’s a whole different kettle if fish.

As an aside, as a wheelchair user, I HATE being pushed around. An electric wheelchair is great but does need to get used to. But I hated the dependency of being pushed and not going where I want, how I want (and people have hated when they pushed me and I said ‘please can you there? Hold in, not that fast, I want to look at this’ etc….

If you offer to help and they refuse then I think you have to accept that they’re doing as they wish - whatever they are not changing, they are choosing.
Its okay that you don’t understand - do as you wish to do and give them the same agency.
I understand why it might be upsetting - my mum is capable of living a much fuller life than she does - but she doesn’t have any motivation to take action to change, therefore, I have to respect her choices 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s understandable how sad this makes you feel. My parents both have dementia, and it tears me apart at times.

Someone said something really helpful to me a few weeks back. They told me to worry less about quality of life, and more about quality of communication. Sometimes I feel my heart close to exploding as I want to make everything better for them, but this advice just makes me focus on the here and now when I’m with them.

I am active and still work part time on a voluntary basis but I can report getting old is complete shit.

I agree - this is how many of us live in our seventies (I am 77) and it suits us to live a pared-back life.
I live on my own and fill the days with pottering in the house and garden. reading. walking the dog or driving to visit family nearby. I love visiting the garden centre and going on a hill-walking (gentle hills) holiday with my dog.
I do not travel far from home but I don't need to (or want to).
My nearby family are busy so I don't rely much on them as I try to be independent.
Will string some decs on a large pot plant and be happy with that.

I get it. There’s an element of ‘writing themselves off’ - my dad has MS but is good in his wheelchair but my mum often takes the view ‘oh we couldn’t possibly do that’ whenever I raise a suggestion like taking dad out in a black cab style taxi for a pub lunch or something. It’s a mindset thing - she has always been a bit ‘oh no that’s too hard, we’ll stay home’. She prefers her home comforts but on the rare occasions I’ve tempted her out she always says she’s having a great time.

Anyway, now they stay at home, watch their programmes, chain smoke and drink too much to escape it all. Mum’s only 61 and I hate the idea that they’ve just given up on life but there’s not much I can do about it. They also see Christmas as a drag - this predates dad’s MS but as soon as we left home mum said to me ‘I’m so pleased we don’t have to bother with all that any more’ which was quite sad.

Mum’s had a hard life - typical ‘caring for everyone’ role of a late boomer woman - but won’t let anyone take care of her, and equally won’t look after herself despite how many times I’ve told her it’s harder to pour from an empty cup.

No advice, but much sympathy. Must be so hard to see a sibling go the same way too.

Old age can be brutal. But I agree there's an extent to which it's what you make of it.
My Mum had Type II and arthritis and heart failure and her mobility sucked - but she got a mobility scooter and would be out playing bridge, going to stately homes or flower shows or trips out and holidays.
I have some other older relatives who also have restricted mobility and I do worry that they restrict themselves unnecessarily. I ventured to try and arrange a meetup with a couple of other relatives of the same generation and ... Ok, maybe they just don't like 'em, don't want to meet but don't want to say it explicitly, but it was very much NOT "well how can we make this happen safely" and more "nothing anyone suggests will be acceptable, regardless of what it is".
Not much you can do TBH...

My mum doesn’t go out much, mostly for medical appointments, and never on her own now but she lives in her own home can potter round tidying and light cleaning, she can get out into her garden in warm weather. She can eat what she fancies and can make a cuppa whenever she likes. We go to visit her, my son takes her great grandchildren to visit, she enjoys television, reading and puzzles she says she is content. She has a much better quality of life than my MIL had in a nursing home with just a bedroom and meals and cuppa’s at set times and she chose not to mix with the other residents or go out into the garden because of her dementia.

I understand how you feel OP. It's a similar situation with my parents. My dad has very limited mobility and really can't go out much. My mum looks after him and is just completely worn down by it. Their lives seems so small and sad. I remember how they used to be. Always happy and out and about. I'm too far to help them much and I feel sadness every day about how they are and how little I can do.
I think old age is brutal and really diminishes people and their lives.

I wouldn't force decorations on them if they've said they don't want them! Not everyone is thrilled by Christmas decs.

DH and I haven't had Christmas decs or a Christmas tree since 2018. Just seems like a lot of faff and bother just for the two of us - and then more faff and bother after Christmas to get rid of it all!

If we were hosting a family get together at Christmas, then I'd take the trouble of getting a tree and lugging the decorations out of the loft. But nobody will be coming to the house, so nobody will see it apart from us this year and I'm not sure I can be arsed with any of it!

If mum has mobility problems she may also have continence issues and is scared about having an accident. My mum hated using walking aids, it's a loss of independence. Would they be interested in visiting a day centre

That does sound really sad. But ultimately they're making their own choices and you can't force change on them. Some people just do make bad decisions.

My mum is similar; her world has got very small now, but she won't accept any changes that might help. I think that she has significant cognitive decline and just can't deal with ideas or activities outside her daily routine in the house. Sometimes people stay in a rut for so long that their brains can't really adapt to anything else, sadly.

How old are they?

I think your mum is making the situation worse for herself by not using any equipment??? My name mum was exactly the same used to drive me mad. Unfortunately if she won't except help not much you can do x big hugs x you can only try

I think this is lots of people's realities. It's depressing to you and me, but ultimately they're comfortable.

I am sure if you were elderly you wouldn't want your own children to be worrying about how to help you. But at the same time you can do some occasional tiny thing that will make a difference even if nothing changes at all after, e.g just go and forceably put a Christmas tree up! They'll probably moan, but they will appreciate it eventually

Many elderly people refuse to accept mobility aids.

I use a wheelchair following an accident some years ago.

When my dad got bowel cancer and was too frail to walk he resolutely refused to use a wheelchair. He did bend as far as a stick but it had to be a wooden one.

He preferred not to go out.

To be fair getting around in a manual wheelchair is bloody exhausting. The electric ones are much better than they used to be but still tricky to manoeuvre inside.