Sad at the lives my elderly parents have now.

You'd be better off starting your own thread - people will just respond to the original post instead of yours on this thread.

I wish I could offer advice on your actual problem but I've no experience sorry.

My dad used to put them up for security “this house hasn’t been left empty while the owners go away for Christmas”.

Keeping active is easier if you can keep your passion for life. Keeping an enquiring mind is a prerequisite.

@Lobelia123 I agree

Agree this does sound sad. As a pp suggested, a medication review for your mum may be a good idea.
Re the lack of decs, my dad (mid 80s) hasn't put them up for years, he doesn't see them as important, and yes he could do with a cleaner but won'tgo there. But he is cheerful

I found myself nodding all the way through reading your post, as so much of this is happening in my elderly parents' lives too. When Jimmy Carter passed away it struck me really forcibly that he lived so long and apparently in such a case of contentment because he had a purpose in his life. He didnt just retire to the sofa fulltime and reflect on his past life, he still had living to do right up until the very end. I know hes a bit of an exceptional case, but I think its true that the more you do, and the more interest you take in things outside of yourself, your aches and pains, and needs and wants, the longer and healthier and happier youll live. I know this is a simplistic statement, but I think (thinking for myself and my own old age) if I can try to do just a fraction of that philosophy, my elder years will be so much better than the miserable sedentary and limited life I see my parents enduring, and that you describe in your post.

Dh pulled mil up on judging someone who got out of a wheelchair to walk up a couple of steps. That’s exactly the kind of attitude that she now fears from other people, and her life is shrinking rapidly as a result. She was quite embarrassed by her friend , who has had a stroke, coming out to a meal and causing a fuss (the waiters had to rearrange seats to accommodate her wheelchair) and was annoyed that she inconvenienced everyone by coming. Mil can only manage short distances now, but shouts loudly that fil is slowing her down.

That deep streak of ableism is very common in the older generation . At best it’s a sort of pitying stance towards the physically disabled that can seem benign. By no means universal but definitely common. Even if they do get over their own internalised prejudices, they’re still facing considerable peer judgement.

It seems so unnecessary and limiting but I’ve no idea how to get past those self inflicted blocks

You can’t. You just will be unable to visit.

Maybe your DM only wants a listening ear and some sympathy ( which I'm sure you give her) rather a focus on solutions. I used to try to solve everyone's problems but have stopped and just listen now and say oh, that's sad etc. and say I'm here if they want to go out and leave them be.

It is sad when you see a loved one not making the most of life or what you feel is their potential but you can't control people. They are all adults.

I think some people are projecting their own preferences on to my family rather than actually reading what I wrote.

are you sure you aren't doing that yourself? what you wrote sounded like something might have been said about a family I know but they are all very happy in different ways.

The parents prefer to stay in, they like their home. You may say you mum wants to get out -but does she really? She's an adult, you are offering to help, she could get other help if she wanted to - maybe she doesnt.

The same is true of your sister. You may think it is all very sad and she's miserable but she may not be. I was in a not dissimilar position and was caring for my parents. It was tough I wont lie and it meant that I never went out - but it was my free choice. On paper, someone like you would have judged it as very sad but I liked avoiding the horrible bullies at the office and working from home, I enjoyed the peace and quite of home life with my parents but most of all, I got a huge sense of (not sure what the right word is here ) but something like well-being, soul-satisfaction, knowing that I was caring for my parents and making them happy. Plus I got more one-on -one time with them at the end of their life that I would never get otherwise.

All I'm saying is that it doesn't follow that because people are choosing to live their life a particular way that it is "sad" in that sense. I will never regret livign at home and caring for my parents. It will forever be one of the greatest achievements of my life because it was so hard but it gave me a great sense of love and joy that I couldnt get in any other way.

What will happen to your sister when anything happens to your parents @todahlou

I would have been horrified in my younger years to think I was living such a boring, limited life now in my late 40s. I have all this money and yet choose to go to bed early and am not remotely interested in going nightclubbing on a Wednesday. What people want from life changes a lot throughout the years and people of the same age vary hugely in what they find enjoyable. Are your sure your parents are actually unhappy with their lives, or is it just that you would hate to live that life now?

I wonder if it's pride that is stopping your mum using a wheelchair/ walking aids?
My very active 85 year old dad was seriously ill two years ago,and went from riding his bike to work every day,to bring unable to sit up in bed unaided.
We were determined that we were going to get him mobile again,but he was very resistant to using a walker. ( He had no choice about the wheelchair as I had to get him to hospital appointments and it was the only way).
He only used the walker when I told him that I'd seen one of his contemporaries walking around the village with one. He accepted it after that,but I think that he didn't want to be seen as 'elderly' and 'infirm' by other people,and that was behind the refusal.
I sympathise,it is very frustrating.

@todahlou I’m afraid I don’t have much new to offer other than a handhold and to say that you could be describing my family situation.

My sister (late 40s still living with elderly parents due to finances and various health issues) is miserable. She at least goes out to see people most evenings but despairs whenever she has to spend more than one evening in the house. I feel for her.

Dad is disabled and I suspect suffering from depression - limited eating, sleeping lots. Mum is overstretched and resentful.

Like @SallyWD I don’t live close enough to help out more and feel immense guilt. It’s a crap situation for everyone…but at least we’re all still here.

OP said she was on antidepressants. Asking someone suffering from depression to help themselves may be asking something unachievable.

OP - can you get her to talk to the GP about reviewing her medicine?

When I’m depressed, it doesn’t matter how enticing the activity/holiday/entertainment is, all I can see is a whole list of problems to be solved, everyone of them beyond my energy levels.

They sound in a rut and depressed. The lockdowns seemed to accelerate the decline of many people.

Motivation for change needs to come from within, I’m not sure what more you can do.

Sorry to hear this, op. Re your mum not using mobility aids, my experience is that my mum used to say she was too proud to use her frame. In fact she had lost confidence about going out and what made the difference was gentle encouragement and building up gradually- she used the excuse of being too proud as that seemed better to her than admitting being afraid.

Your sister’s situation is very sad.

I feel so much the same, OP. My DM has cognitive impairment (which I think is the start of dementia), arthritis and IBS. She's depressed, anxious and socially withdrawn. She hardly goes out now, and just sits at home, fretting about her health and the fact that she can no longer remember or properly understand things. She won't use mobility aids, but even if she would, I think her cognitive decline would stop her having the confidence to go out. My dad is still relatively fine (though noticeably aging now), but his own life is also getting smaller as he's increasingly reluctant to leave her alone for long.

There's no way she's happy. She's given up all of her hobbies, and she's constantly repeating the same concerns about her health. She doesn't even really want to talk with us on the phone any more, I think because she's finding conversations harder.

There are two things things that really scare me. The first is that this is likely to be just the start of perhaps years and years of decline - mum's only 77. The second is how thin the line is between the current situation and a crisis. At the moment, they're living totally independently - there are no care needs. But if anything happened to my dad (a fall, an illness, a stroke), then my mum would be instantly and totally unable to cope.

You can’t always save people from themselves, OP. You have tried, offered… and you can’t reduce your life to their self imposed horizons, so go to your DH’s family and have a lovely time.

It is tricky.

My DF moans all the time about how boring life is and never makes the effort to do anything.

He will come out if I invite him somewhere, and I've given him details about clubs etc he can go to locally but getting him to actually do things is like pulling teeth.

People saying that they are just introverts and happy as they are, did you actually read my post? My mum is miserable and always moaning about not being able to get out

But she won't use mobility aids and won't go out when you offer to take her. She has to help herself a bit here. My DM was the same - admittedly she was mobile - she moaned about her life and never seeing anyone or going anywhere but never lifted a finger to do anything about it, just expected a social life to come to her.

@todahlou that sounds sad, especially for your sister as she is still young enough to make a whole new life if she wished.

I am an a long term single Introvert and love being home, but I still go holiday and meet up with friends etc. I like doing stuff on my own as well, even if its just going into town or taking my dog to park where there are lots of people on their own, and I nearly always end up having a chat to someone.

it sounds like you have tried hard to get your mum and sis out, could you ask your sister for help that would involve getting her out of house?

I understand you want things to be different for them, but there's only so much you can do. You can make suggestions and offers, but if they won't take you up on it, then leave it. I've been there, trying to persuade my DM to be more sociable, to arrange things in her life differently but she digs her heels in, and ultimately it's not my decision. I've taken a step back mentally, for my own wellbeing and the sake of our relationship. I still make suggestions and offers if she brings someone, but often she just wants to moan and not actually fix the thing.

Exactly. This is a very important point. What really counts is happiness. For many introverts, a busy social life, with friends constantly popping round, parties every weekend, etc, would be torture. People seem to think that the more friends you have and the more you go out the happier you will be. It just isn’t true. What matters is living life in a way that suits you.