Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

My mother is refusing another service worker

55 replies

XmasStag · 03/12/2023 22:54

I had an issue a few weeks ago with my mother where there was a leak at home and she was ignoring it. I booked a plumber and I was going to pay but she ordered me to cancel him. It was so odd. It wasn't an issue of money and being worried about paying, I was going to pay. I think it was anxiety that a man is coming into the house. It is so odd. She's behaving as if service people are going to come in and rape her. She was never attacked like this before in her life nor were any of her sisters. It's just so weird.

Anyways there's no heating and I want to make fires in the open fire but she's paranoia about the chimney and in all fairness it's been a few years since it was cleaned so it will need to be cleaned. I searched online for a chimney sweeper. I had a chimney sweeper a few years ago but she has a general distrust on everyone and she never took to him. So I went to find someone else and she's ordering me to cancel him. It is so weird and she's being nasty.

I was trying to do a nice and good thing for use both so that we can heat up the home a bit and try and have a cosy Christmas.

She is saying because of the chimney sweepers location it's too far to bring him out to where we are but when I contacted him I told him of our location and he was happy to give me a quote and a date. His website states he services the county throughout too. But she's saying it's not fair to bring him out and she will find someone else closer. I caught her out on a few lies already this year and she hasn't a notion of finding anyone else closer and I already searched online and there is no local chimney sweeper.

Do I cancel him or ignore her and continue on with his booking?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 04/12/2023 11:42

You need to remember that although none of her reactions make sense to you whatever she is feeling feels very very real to her. She is obviously scared of something so there's no point trying to rationalise her reactions with logic, it just makes you unreasonably angry with her and that's not fair.
Her home is her safe space, she doesn't want anyone in it.
You will have to find a way to manoeuvre around this, whether the "friend" coming to help in the future will work I don't know but I would just accept she's going to be difficult and get the necessary stuff done.

I appreciate its difficult, you may also need to speak to her GP or get in touch with Age UK, they will have lots of experience with this situation.

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 11:34

We are due to have a visitor for Christmas too and I was trying to do something nice and good for us and for the home and try and make the place warm and cosy.

And she does this.

It's stomach churning.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 11:33

My mother asked me again and quite angrily did I cancel the chimney sweep. I told her that I sent him a message yesterday but he didn't reply and I will phone him later.

I asked her why she doesn't want to get the chimney cleaned? She said there's enough going on right now.

This doesn't make sense to me.

I am managing this and he said he will be with me Tuesday morning and I am free tomorrow morning. He really isn't impacting on anything.

This doesn't make any sense. She's been talking about a chimney clean for a few months. I wanted to make fires back in September but she asked me not to tile we get the chimney cleaned.

OP posts:
ExpressionSession · 04/12/2023 09:18

I think tomorrow is the day to force the issue and see how that goes. If you are there she might feel reassured. It is very tough. She must be very anxious to be doing that. I hope she feels relieved once the work is done and she gets to use the fire.

countrygirl99 · 04/12/2023 09:09

My mum early symptoms weren't memory loss. She started have trouble following instructions so got confused with stuff like online shopping that she'd been doing perfectly happily for years. Then she got obsessed with how much things cost so she would switch off the immersion heater for hot water even though it was timed to be on 10-3 as they have solar panels. No amount of telling her that the Community Nurse who came to change dad's dressings needed hot water for hand washing worked. Memory loss was probably the 3rd sign and when we worked out what was going on. She still obsesses about needing to save pennies when she has a good pension and spends £500-£600 a month less than comes in. Bin liners have been her latest cost obsession leaving me with bin juice soaked dog ends to deal with🤢
It's hard enough to deal with when you have a diagnosis but before that there can be a considerable period of "FGS why?" because stuff just doesn't make sense.

Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 09:01

My mother said she's not about about the distance he's travelling to get to us but I know that's only an excuse. She behaved like this before.
I checked googled maps and it's 28 miles. But surely if distance was a problem he would have declined me straight away.

I told my mother I texted him to cancel but he didn't reply yet.

When I return from work tonight I think I will say I rang him and he reassured me the distance is not an issue and coming out this way anyways.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 08:52

I am suspecting dementia. There is a lot of things here and there's that's not right. I think a lot of people views dementia as little old ladies getting lost and forgetting everyone around them and forgetting how to wipe their asses when it's much more than this.

It's a progressive disease and people don't wake up like that one day. There is a loss of functioning for years before it progresses to the later stages.

Even GPs are useless. I already chatted to her GP but she keeps citing memory loss to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 08:49

biter · 04/12/2023 08:05

Dementia can manifest early in obsessions about certain things so it may be a sign of that. However she may just be feeling vulnerable and not wanting to face the world or for the world to come in to her home.

I think you just need to arrange things, not tell her and deal with it as the tradesperson enters the house.

It might also be worth looking at how professionals deal with these types of objections to normal every day things - they tend to be fairly brusque and matter of fact and say slightly dismissive things and change the subject.

"Oh yes the plumber is here to fix the heating, shall we have a cup of tea and watch that telly programme you've been wanting to see?"

From seeing the professionals dealing with my stroppy early-dementia dad it reminded me of toddler-taming days. Distraction, not paying too much attention to weird foibles and likes/dislikes were all key coping strategies.

It's probably worth getting your mum checked out at the GP too. Position that as an 'MOT' / health check, and that you have a well person check regularly too.

I hope it all settles down.

She doesn't have to face anyone. I was getting it sorted. She can stay in her room or the kitchen and I can invite the chimney sweep into the sitting room.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasStag · 04/12/2023 08:48

Thank you for all of your replies.

I can't possibly turn around and say that tomorrow's chimney sweep is a friend of mine. It's too late for that but I will remember for next time for sure. I caught her sometimes being like a scared cat running to her room when a van comes into the driveway usually a courier. She's like this even when my boyfriend comes to visit too.

I have no idea how to sort out tomorrow's booking. It's so messy and it really shouldn't be this messy and hard. It's a job that has to be done around the home. It shouldn't be this complicated. I will know for further not to tell her amything.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 04/12/2023 08:21

Is this the mum who refused a son and his partner/kid to stay on a recent visit from Australia? It sounds familiar.

lljkk · 04/12/2023 08:10

How old is she, when did this paranoia start, are you lodger or co-owner?
Yes I'd just announce to her what's happening only when they arrive, let them do their bit & shrug if she complains then or after.

biter · 04/12/2023 08:05

Dementia can manifest early in obsessions about certain things so it may be a sign of that. However she may just be feeling vulnerable and not wanting to face the world or for the world to come in to her home.

I think you just need to arrange things, not tell her and deal with it as the tradesperson enters the house.

It might also be worth looking at how professionals deal with these types of objections to normal every day things - they tend to be fairly brusque and matter of fact and say slightly dismissive things and change the subject.

"Oh yes the plumber is here to fix the heating, shall we have a cup of tea and watch that telly programme you've been wanting to see?"

From seeing the professionals dealing with my stroppy early-dementia dad it reminded me of toddler-taming days. Distraction, not paying too much attention to weird foibles and likes/dislikes were all key coping strategies.

It's probably worth getting your mum checked out at the GP too. Position that as an 'MOT' / health check, and that you have a well person check regularly too.

I hope it all settles down.

rwalker · 04/12/2023 08:00

Have a google about frontal temporal dementia

every body thinks dementia is someone outside hoovering there lawn in there nightie
FT dementia is about temperament ,judgment and they can get fixated and obsessive about things

popularinthe80s · 04/12/2023 07:54

XmasStag · 03/12/2023 23:01

I have a good fucking mind to fuck I er Christmas good hard and proper and cancel the groceries shops.

There's no excuse in the world for ignoring and neglecting these household issues.

XmasStag (great name by the way), you don't have to answer this, but just an observation which you're free to ignore.

This is an extreme reaction. I can hear your frustration and anger.

I'm not judging - I'm looking after a beloved parent who is on end of life care. I love them dearly but sometimes I still want to throw them out of the window. Or I go into the study and say Fuck Fuck Fuck until the moment passes.

But I'm just hearing a scared, ill woman - through dementia or personality or whatever; you know her best. And a carer who is completely understandably frustrated beyond measure.

I am just wondering if it would help to get some fresh air into the situation? Do you have people to talk to? You say your siblings aren't helpful, which must add to your stress. You're trying to handle so much alone.

Apologies for the lecture and the suggestions above are really good. You have to get this work done.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 04/12/2023 04:02

Tell her that if you can't get basic maintenance done in the house, you will have to move out.

countrygirl99 · 04/12/2023 03:25

XmasStag · 03/12/2023 23:17

I got the plumbing job done eventually but it was hard and I had to lie as well. I had the plumber booked and I knew what her reaction was before so I didn't say anything to her and then on the morning he was due to come, I took a fake call outside and then told her he's coming and on the way.

I told her yesterday that I have a chimney sweeper booked for Tuesday morning and that I was going to be home and I will pay for it.

This morning when I got up her first words was to angrily order me to cancel him because it's not fair on him due to the distance.

I didn't cancel him. When she asked me I said I sent him a text but he didn't reply yet. I didn't cancel him.

I haven't a clue what to do. I had to wait a few weeks for this chimney sweep and if I cancel I probably won't get anything until next week or the week after.

My husband is a sweep and he is booking the end of January. He's been fully booked for December since the endow October.

BananaPyjamaLlama · 04/12/2023 01:32

@ExpressionSession thats an excellent idea.
"Mother, here is my mate Dave. Who'd have guessed it but it turns out he is an excellent plumber"
"Oh look, Mike has popped round for a chat. He is an electrician" etc
I hope you can sort things out xmastag. It sounds really difficult.

kweeble · 03/12/2023 23:29

You do need to get her heating fixed - I’d arrange it so that you can be there - find a female plumber if you can.

ExpressionSession · 03/12/2023 23:27

Might you have “ friends of a friend “ 😉 do the work from now on so she doesn’t feel like strangers are coming into the house. You can have tonnes of tradesmen “friends”.

Original poster
XmasStag · 03/12/2023 23:25

No she has no friends and her family and siblings are useless and they don't see each other and all my siblings live abroad. I don't have anyone to help me and take her out.

The chimney sweeper said he will be with me for 9am on Tuesday morning. She will likely still be in bed on Tuesday morning at that time but I will be up.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasStag · 03/12/2023 23:22

I suspect there's something like dementia but it's not presenting with typical forgetfulness. It's behavioural and mood stuff from her. I had a grocery shop for home delivery for today which she knew about and when the grocery truck pulled into the driveway - her face turned so weird. She was silently stewing up something. It's hard to describe. She knew it was the grocery's and she was stewing something so silently too. She's just so odd. I spoke to her GP last year but she cited memory loss to me.

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/12/2023 23:22

XmasStag · 03/12/2023 23:19

Unfortunately I told her yesterday that I have a chimney sweep booked. I wish I kept my mouth shut. I will know in future not to say anything.

Does she have any friends who might conveniently invite her round on Tuesday?

Original poster
XmasStag · 03/12/2023 23:19

Unfortunately I told her yesterday that I have a chimney sweep booked. I wish I kept my mouth shut. I will know in future not to say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasStag · 03/12/2023 23:17

I got the plumbing job done eventually but it was hard and I had to lie as well. I had the plumber booked and I knew what her reaction was before so I didn't say anything to her and then on the morning he was due to come, I took a fake call outside and then told her he's coming and on the way.

I told her yesterday that I have a chimney sweeper booked for Tuesday morning and that I was going to be home and I will pay for it.

This morning when I got up her first words was to angrily order me to cancel him because it's not fair on him due to the distance.

I didn't cancel him. When she asked me I said I sent him a text but he didn't reply yet. I didn't cancel him.

I haven't a clue what to do. I had to wait a few weeks for this chimney sweep and if I cancel I probably won't get anything until next week or the week after.

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/12/2023 23:12

If you live together then you have every right to be warm in the house.

Does she go anywhere? Can you book a plumber for a time when she's normally be out? You surely can't go without hearing or a fire?

And yes, if she's never been like this before, it's worrying.